Saturday, August 20, 2011

Lexington, Changes, and Grief

I know it's been a very long time since I posted. That was due to several factors. First of all, I didn't have my computer. I lent it to my college roommate because her computer stopped working. I didn't have internet at home and I visited her a lot at the dorm so it made the most sense. However, without my computer at home I stopped writing. All the times I felt like writing were times I was home away from my computer. Another reason was that my PTSD got really really bad after my last post and I kinda dropped off the face of blogging. I hurt so badly and I reexperienced my trauma so vividly over the rest of the summer that I was in no shape to keep up a blog. I was honestly doing good to get in one solid meal a day.

Now, I'm not sure that I'm doing much better. I've gone through some really stressful and emotional days lately. I just moved 100 miles away from home. I went from a tiny town to the big city, far away from what I'm used to. My college roommate moved with me and we're splitting the rent and expenses on a little apartment in the heart of the big city. I decided to take a year off school. I couldn't handle moving to the big city, finding a job, working, going to school in another town, and dealing with the level of PTSD that I was going through. It has taken a huge load off my shoulders and I thank those people who helped me make the best decision for me. I am still not fully unpacked. I'm living off my savings and the help of family. I'm looking for a job, I don't care if I have to scrub toilets. I'm satisfied as long as I can pay the rent, utilities, and keep food on the table.

The day after I moved in my great great uncle passed away. Now, he wasn't as old as that sounds. He was around the same age as my grandpa. He was one of the very best people I knew. Even with my past and having PTSD, I NEVER felt unsafe or in danger with him. I always trusted him 100%. I knew I never had to fear this man, though I feared every other man on the planet. He was truly one of the best people in the world. He was so kind and loving and strong. When I think of what a real man and real strength looks like I see him. He's one of the people who, through his example, taught me that not all men will hurt me, that in fact there are good men who will protect me instead of hurt me. I couldn't thank him enough. I didn't see my uncle a lot but God has been showing me how this amazing and wonderful man helped heal pieces of my heart that I thought would never be whole again. In the hospital I couldn't find the words to express to him how I felt and what he had done in my life. I was there with him and his immediate family up to an hour before he passed away. He was so aware of what was going on. He knew it was his time and he faced death bravely. Though he couldn't stand physically in that hospital, I believe he faced death standing. I will miss him so much. I can close my eyes and see his smile and hear his soft voice saying "Hey Hun!" That's how he always greeted me. I don't think he every really called me by my name, but I didn't mind. His soft "Hey Hun!" made me feel cherished and loved for who I was. He always made me feel safer and happier. He was one of those people who, when he walked into a room, everyone felt more at ease. I am honored to call him my uncle. I have been blessed so much having him in my life and I will miss him terribly now that he's gone. However, his courage inspires and strengthens me to face life bravely and meet the challenges I will face standing. So look out big city! Look out PTSD!

-Jerelle

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Exhausted

I cried the night of the 4th of July, I woke up yesterday and cried, I cried again that evening. Last night I cried for hours before falling to sleep. I got maybe three hours of sleep because I cried so much. Today I woke up early and drove to Lexington to sign the lease on my apartment and pay the deposit money. I hung out at Joseph Beth Bookstore and the Mall with a friend and my sister before driving home. On the way home I relived being raped, while driving. It hurt physically and emotionally. When the reliving died away I became so exhausted from crying and lack of sleep that I almost fell asleep at the wheel. My sister drove to our hometown, but then had to go to work. Now I'm crashing in another friend's room b/c I don't really trust myself to drive home. I hurt, my eyes are swollen from crying last night, I don't feel safe, and I'm EXHAUSTED. That's really all I have to say. It's not really something you can put on your status for facebook.

-Jerelle

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Is it even worth it?.........................................................

Monday, June 27, 2011

PTSD Relapse

I haven't posted in a long time. To be quite honest I'm not okay. I'm in very very familiar territory, but I'm not okay. It's an everyday, every hour thing. . . . My PTSD is back. It's back and it's as strong and horrible as ever. I've held off writing about it because it just hurts so much that acting out, numbing, or distracting myself is easier, no, it makes life liveable. PTSD is a psychological disorder that causes you to relive your trauma. For me, that's obviously rape and molestation. Sorry to be blunt but that's my reality. I relive it every day. I feel it, I hurt, I cry, I try to get away from it and I can't. You can't run away from yourself. There's no real person to fight off of you. The panic attacks, extreme anxiety, flashbacks, hallucinations, disassociations, numbness, they've all come back in full force, maybe stronger than before. Every day I feel like I'm going crazy. I forget to eat all day. I don't sleep until 3 in the morning. I stay out late. I can't concentrate enough even to read Harry Potter (rereading before the last movie). I'm afraid of my own shadow, constantly looking behind me. I'm scared to death all day. My stomach feels like it's trapped in a speeding car after swallowing a ball of ice. I'm a wreck. I used to be really good at pretending and acting like I'm okay so nobody notices I'm crazy, but I can't make myself pretend anymore. I'm sick of pretending. I just hurt so much I can't find words to describe it. I feel so pathetic and alone. I'm silently screaming all day. I want help, but it's so hard to ask for help, to reach out. I can't see things clearly. I can't see that anyone could possibly care about me. Because of this I try my hardest to not make myself a burden to others. I just feel so broken. I know God is putting me back together but I can't feel him. I know he's there and I'll never doubt that he's here with me and has everything under control. I just hurt and it feels like there's no end to this hurt. Sometimes I just want to disappear, not die, just disappear. I just want to be okay again.

-Jerelle

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Good and the Bad

(trigger and graphic warning)

Yesterday was a crazy day. It started at 4:00AM. I woke up fighting my blanket. I was experiencing hallucinations (I referred to these as body memories in an earlier post). My hallucinations are usually not the visual kind. I hallucinate touch. I feel things that aren’t happening. This particular morning the hallucinations were so strong that they woke me up. It was much more vivid than normal and I had been sleeping. I was vulnerable and when I woke up I was scared to death. There were a few times when I woke up as a child and my brother was abusing me. Imagine how hard it is to fall asleep when you know he can strip you twice as fast if he starts while you’re asleep, then have you already pinned before you know where you are. This morning was much the same except he wasn’t there. I could feel him but he wasn’t actually there. It’s confusing when you feel a heavy weight on top of you but you can still sit up and walk around. It was HORRIBLE. Being sexually abused was bad enough when it was actually happening. Why do I have to keep reexperiencing it?! It’s like the abuse never ended and it’s just continuing to this day. It’s like he’s figured out how to send a phantom version of himself to keep abusing me.
Well, I never got back to sleep. After a while, when I couldn’t handle it alone anymore because it was driving me crazy, I texted a friend. Yeah, I texted a friend at 4-something in the morning, I’m a jerk. She helped me ground myself in the present and in reality. What I was feeling was NOT happening. I was safe in my bed and my abuser was nowhere near me. She told me I was going to be okay. Most of the time, all it takes is another person reassuring me that it’s not real and that I’m safe. Yeah the pain sucks but if I can stay in the present and not dissociate I do much better.
At 6:00AM I got out of bed. I was taking my sister to try for her license and we had to get to the courthouse to get in line. They only take the first ten people. There was only one other test taker waiting at the courthouse doors when we got there. The doors apparently don’t open until 7:00AM so the line starts outside. However, once we got inside we found out that there must have been an unlocked door somewhere or the 6 people in the hallway had stayed the night lol. At 8:00AM they started actually giving the tests (sounds drawn out doesn’t it lol). By about 8:30 it was all over. Unfortunately my sister didn’t pass. I told her that a lot of people don’t pass the first time and we can always try again. She cheered up later when I shot a video of her making her cats dance to Britney Spears.
The same day I was going hiking with one of my very best friends! Funny enough, I don’t think we’d ever hung out just the two of us before just a few days ago. I was nervous. I’m not the healthiest person. I used to be a lot healthier and I loved hiking. I could hike all day, especially if I got to rock climb. :) Sometime during my junior year of college I got some sort of mysterious illness. Doctors still don’t understand it or know what’s wrong but it made me gain 70 pounds in about three months with no diet or activity level change. I got arthritis in all my joints, had horrible trouble concentrating, was fatigue ALL the time, developed pleurisy, and a bunch of other stuff. It was a mess. I’ve been getting mysteriously better though. The arthritis is minor, I’m not tired anymore, my head is clearer, and without really changing my eating or activity level I’ve lost (as of this morning) 11 pounds!!! Still, I was nervous about hiking. My friend is in shape and she’s in her element in nature. I’m a slow hiker so I was afraid I’d slow her down to the point of utter boredom. I did much better than I thought I would though. Ten pounds really make a difference when it comes to hiking. :) I was also afraid I’d do something dangerous and irrational. We were alone and I’d never been in a situation with this friend when I lost all rationality and fell into a panic. I did get too close to some cliff edges and crossed some dangerous places. My friend sounded scared when I did these things and that confused me a little. I don’t know why but when friends show concern for my safety I get confused. It makes logical sense but when I’m irrational I just stop and wonder “Why do you care so much?” I’m also bad for getting a little freaked out and running off. We got to a point on the trail where the path branch left and right. My friend decided to walk a little ways down the left side to see what was down there. She turned her back and I bolted. It didn’t feel like I moved that fast but when I heard her yelling for me I was surprised at how far away I was. Then something interesting happened. My rationality returned and I walked back to her. I don’t know, the fear left just as suddenly as it had come. She didn’t seem to notice what had happened and I’d never felt safe again so quickly after getting scared. I decided not to say anything about. I didn’t want to freak her out. We continued down the trail and after a while found a little beach and dipped our feet in the river. Now, some background information. I’m very self conscious. I hadn’t really thought about it before yesterday, but since I was raped I’ve been super self conscious about showing any skin whatsoever, even my feet. I wear T-shirts every day and pants. I never wear shorts, even in the summer. I never show my legs. Something about it makes me feel vulnerable to being hurt again. I guess my logic was that if I cover up it will be harder for anyone to hurt me again. Wearing more clothes did have an impact when my abuser did attack me. Pants are harder to remove than shorts (forgive my bluntness). There was no way that I could take off my shoes and socks and roll up my jeans to walk into the water with someone I didn’t completely trust and feel safe with. There’s not a lot of people I feel totally safe with and as much as I wanted to step into the water on past hiking trips I couldn’t bring myself to reach that vulnerability with friends before. So it was a big moment for me. :) It felt really healing because I could step out and trust that I was completely safe.
On the way back a HUGE downpour caught us. That sounds like it would be a horrible thing but I LOVED IT!!! I love the rain and getting caught in thunderstorms. God feels so close when I’m standing in a storm. This may sound weird but when the wind is blowing ice cold rain into my face and the sky cracks open with thunder God’s love for me feels obvious. I can see it so clearly, even if I can’t see the physical trail in front of me lol. It feels like God is holding me tightly and telling me how much He loves me. He feels so close, like I could reach out and touch Him. When I’m caught in a storm I can’t keep the smile off my face :) Before we got to the car it started hailing. The hail wasn’t big and I, again, thought it was awesome. I didn’t think it hurt; it was just really cold lol. I don’t think my friend was as thrilled as I was lol. We completely soaked the two front seats of my car, which was awesome I mean how many times can you be completely soaked and jump into a completely dry car seat?
It was a day mixed with both amazingness and awful PTSD symptoms. On the way back to campus I freaked more than once because I thought I saw my brother’s vehicle. The are SO MANY vehicles that look JUST LIKE my brother’s. It’s unnerving. His car hadn’t been at my grandparents, which meant he was out and about. I was trying to both hide my fear from my friend and not hide it. I’m trying this new thing where I don’t hide so much from my friends, but old habits are hard to break and the belief that I’ll freak out my friends is still strong. The day ended with a dance party in a teeny tiny lobby and a creepy Dr. Who episode with empty children. Things never get boring lol.

This is Simply Life by Faith

-Jerelle

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Determined

I just wanted to come on here and say that I'm still determined. I've been struggling with PTSD and PTSD symptoms since my senior year of high school. I got a short break from it my senior year of college but now it seems to have come back in full force. But I'm not crushed by that. It feels absolutely horrible that I reached a point where I wasn't afraid for an entire day and now I can't go an hour without reexperiencing something horrible my brother did to me (I'm so glad I'm good at hiding this crap in daily life). But I've had a taste of what life is like without PTSD, without anxiety or fear that I'll be hurt again. It's so good it's beyond words. Before, I had no evidence that life without trauma or reexperiencing trauma was possible. I didn't know life without it. I had no idea what that looked or felt like. Now I know and it's made my resolve to heal even stronger. I know it's possible and attainable now. It's not just some far off wish or hope. It's a reality that can be reached. I'm not going to give up. I can't give up because it's either heal or die slowly. If I wasn't trying to heal I'd be trying to drown out the pain through any means possible. That means I'd be drinking, driving way too fast, taking huge risks, cutting, partying, taking a baseball bat to my brother's car, punching holes in walls even if I bloodied my fists, and doing anything stupid I could think of because as bad as it sounds physical pain and adrenaline distract me from the pain inside. I don't want to try to drown out the pain because in the long run it only hurts me more and it hurts the people who love me, though right now I really  can't see why or how anyone could ever love me. When anxiety and pain take over me, I can't see things as they are. Most of my thoughts are irrational and I can't see the truth even when it's spoken to me plainly. Right now I'm reexperiencing something. I honestly don't go a day or even half a day without reexperiencing something. Right now all I feel is disgusting and dirty and worthless. It's hard not to feel this way when I can feel the past happening all over again. In reality I know I'm sitting in my friend's dorm room, but at the same time I'm hallucinating and feeling pain and hands holding me down or hitting me in the head because I made a crazy bid for freedom. It really sucks and there's nothing I can do to make it go away. However, I trust God in this. I know he has a plan and he's healing me. I don't understand everything or how I can be healed but I trust God and I KNOW he can and will heal me. If he wasn't going to do something amazing with my past and heal me then why did he stop me from taking my own life four years ago? There must be a reason I'm alive and I'm fighting for that purpose. I refuse to give up.

-Jerelle

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Opening Up

Bleh, I’m sick and I have so much to write about. Let’s be realistic. I’m not going to be able to write about all the things I do or even all the things I plan to write about. That’s life. So I’m just going to write about what I can write about. What’s the biggest thing that has been going on in my life lately? Well, it hasn’t been pleasant. It’s been horrible, interesting, enlightening, and painful. In order for all of this to make sense, though, I have to go back and explain something amazing that happened several days ago. I had gone camping with some of my friends, which is an interesting story in itself. After we packed up and went our separate ways I was hit with a horribly familiar feeling. I couldn’t quite place it because it had been so long since I’d felt it. I was feeling anxiety, a lot of anxiety. My heart and thoughts were racing. My limbs and gut went numb and I drove like a maniac. I didn’t understand what was happening or why I felt the way I did. It was like the few days before then (when I started to have body memories again) had piled up in me and I reached breaking point. I felt isolated and I hurt so bad. I tried to tough it out. I was on the road to my house, so close to my house that I could almost see it. Then I saw him. I saw my abuser’s car as it passed me going the opposite direction. I fell to pieces. I debated a whole lot about what to do. I didn’t feel safe at all. The anxiety was like a horrible countdown clock threatening imminent danger. My thoughts were irrational. Somehow the huge latch Dad put on the door for me looked like a twig and I was sure that it wouldn’t stop my abuser from getting inside. He once took apart a doorknob to get to me. The friend I normally went to for help was really sick that day. I didn’t want to bother her. I knew she cared, but she felt so bad that helping me, no matter how much she wanted to help, would make her feel worse. I had been writing and thinking about all the bad habits and patterns that I had been breaking as I healed. Not asking for help and suffering alone is one of those bad patterns. I decided to take a chance and trust. I texted another good friend of mine. I asked her to pray for me because I was really struggling. She texted back and I opened up to her. I let her know what was bothering me and how I was feeling. Actually, before I started telling her, I hadn’t realized that I was afraid. Truth be told I was terrified. She invited me to her house. She told me she wanted to help and that she wanted me to be safe. It took a lot of convincing on her part. I just find it so hard to believe that I’m not a burden to other people. Trusting my friend and going to her house was one of the best things I did. I could have tried to deal with it alone, but I’ve seen the results of that time and time again and, trust me, it isn’t pretty.

I was super super nervous as I pulled into my friend’s driveway. I was shaking. You know that feeling when you feel like you’re an inch tall? That’s how I felt. I was embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, anxious, hopeful, and desperate. My friend met me at the door. I found it hard to look her in the eyes. It’s hard to do that after you bare your soul to someone, especially if it wasn’t in person. She hugged me. Some wounds are in a place so deep that words alone cannot heal them. This simple act was worth a million encouraging words to me. I was scared and anxious, just like I had been when I told my parents about the abuse. The difference, this time I was met with a reassuring hug. I didn’t have to have it all together; my friend just wanted me to be okay.

We talked . . . a lot. I was shocked by how willing she was to listen because a lot of people would rather distract me from the pain. I have to process it; running from it only postpones it. I found out how closed I’d become as I talked. I was so nervous, so afraid of rejection that I’m sure at some points my voice must have shook. It was hard to talk but I needed to talk about so many things. I talked about the abuse, PTSD, anxiety, how I cope, my parents, etc. Everything is so tied together. I realized that I couldn’t tear down every wall. I could only become vulnerable to a point. I wasn’t able to show how I really felt when I talked. Instead I talked about things in a joking tone and smiled and laughed a lot. I cope using humor a lot. It was either laugh or cry. Crying felt too vulnerable, so I laughed. This may sound strange, but it’s how I protect myself. Sometimes I can’t face everything at once and I have to take things one at a time. In this case I could handle sharing the content but not the emotion that goes with the content.

I decided to break a bad pattern that day and I’m so glad I did. I am so blessed to have opened up to my friend. Having more than just one person to go to when I’m really struggling is really comforting and it makes me feel more sane. When only one person tells you you’re not crazy it’s hard to believe it, especially when you do crazy things and feel like a lunatic. But when two people together agree and tell you you’re not crazy and you’re not bad and you’re not a burden . . . It’s easier to trust what they say and believe them.


This is Simply Life by Faith


-Jerelle

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Crap

I’d like to say that the past week with my friends has been nothing but awesome. However, life isn’t often the way you would like it to be. It started Saturday night. My friends and I were spending the night at one of our friend’s houses, playing board games, watching Harry Potter, laughing, drinking coke, and eating cookies. Just like any other of our awesome sleepovers. But this one was different. I was hanging out with my friends when all of a sudden something happened that I thought and hoped would never happen again. Remember how I said that I no longer have PTSD, well, apparently that only means that my symptoms aren’t constant enough to be diagnosed as PTSD. I still have symptoms, just not to the extreme that warrants a diagnosis. That night I started to have body memories again. There’s no nice way of putting it, body memories suck. Body memories are physical sensations of trauma. Nobody will be touching me; I could be all alone in a room and feel hands gripping my wrists or a heavy weight on top of me. To put it bluntly, it’s like being sexually abused all over again without a physical person doing the abuse. Imagine a weight that you can’t push off of you, hands that wander that you can’t fight. Yeah, it sounds scary and disturbing. I know it’s my body remembering what was done to it but it freaks me out. I feel like I’m being hurt again, I feel horrible, invasive things being done to me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. And it’s not limited to just the sexual abuse. A few times I felt the pain of being hit in the head. I fought my abuser. I bit him, kicked him, scratched him, punched him, did all I could do to get him to stop. His response: he hit me. He’d hit me in the head, the shoulder, arm, face, it didn’t really matter to him. He was a football player and weightlifter at the time. He was just careful to not hit me hard enough to leave a mark, didn’t want any incriminating evidence. Can you imagine how hard it is to pretend that you’re fine and laugh and joke with your friends when you feel hands moving up your shirt? You feel all alone. You feel like you’re a freak. You feel like you could burst into tears at any moment and you want so desperately to numb out the feelings. But if you numb out reality will get fuzzy and you find yourself in his room again. You blink hard and shake your head and your friend’s room comes back into focus then flickers back into your abuser’s room. You want to tell your friends, you want to reach out for help but you’re afraid they’ll think you’re crazy.
Nothing I do makes the body memories go away. They come and go as they please. When I feel them, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to fight. With body memories there’s no physical person to fight off of you, no way you can run away. What do you do with the fight or flight response? How do you act normal if you’re with people? I don’t know and the best I can do is try to hide it, clench my fists tight, breath, and look around the room I’m in to try to ground myself in the present. What I really want, and this is really really hard to write, I long for someone to just hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay. Nobody told me that after I told about the abuse. Neither of my parents reassured me or hugged me. They asked me endless questions and watched me cry and I didn’t understand and still don’t understand why they never comforted me, not even a pat on the shoulder. I guess they were in shock, I mean nobody expects one of their children to abuse the other.
Sorry this isn’t a very cheerful post. I can’t hold all of this inside indefinitely. It has to come out and how do you go about having a conversation about body memories with a friend? It sounds like it would be really uncomfortable for the listener and I don’t want to burden someone like that. Sometimes, when this PTSD crap happens and I feel crazy . . . it’s really lonely. Crying alone is one of the worst things ever.

You’ve been reading Simply Life by Faith

-Jerelle

Friends, Pong, and Tea Parties

5-?-11
Okay, so I think I’ve figured out how to do this. So much has happened this past week that there’s no way that I can talk about it all. Therefore, I’m going to hit some of the big things that happened, definitely not all because that would be impossible. The first major highlight was finding out that I’m related to one of my very best friends. One of her father’s cousins passed away and the funeral was held at my home church. Her father’s cousin turned out to also be my father’s cousin. It was so awesome finding out that I’m related to such an awesome person. I was surprised, though, by how happy my friend was to find out we’re related. See, I have a strong inferiority complex. Her excitement when she told me puzzled me, but it also started to correct the skewed image I have of myself. I don’t know if I’ve just healed to the point that I can start to accept the good things my friends say about me or if God chose this particular friend to break through the lies I believe about myself. Instead of arguing with her when she says something that contradicts the lies, I find that I can’t honestly believe the lies when she contradicts them. My arguments get stuck in my throat and the voices in my head that used to scream the lies louder when challenged are silenced. I have much more to say about this amazing friend of mine, but I’m saving it for a whole post of its own.
Another highlight, though not as cool, was playing the Atari for the very first time. I played Pong! I’ve wanted to try Pong for a long time because it’s like the very beginning of video games. I expected it to be super easy, I mean how hard can batting a dot back and forth be? I was greatly mistaken. Pong is a very simple game but it challenged me. The little line I controlled to hit the dot moved much slower than the dot did and the dot would bounce off the sides of the screen in unpredictable ways. I had to focus on prediction and reaction time. The game wasn’t really hard, but the simplicity, complexity, and addictiveness of it impressed me. I would definitely play it again and not just because of its historical value.
Another one of my awesome friends decided to have a tea party before she left for her mission trip. We had hot tea, cold tea, and strawberry lemonade. The menu included enchilada soup, cookies, cake, donuts, cinnamon rolls, and dessert. My friend wanted our time together as a group to be meaningful and constructive. One really cool thing we did was make blue jean bracelets. She passed out strips of denim material and we wrote on our strip a goal that we had for this summer, something we wanted to be lifted up in prayer. On mine I wrote “Learn how to use my past to share God with others.” After writing our goal we put our denim strips in a bowl and mixed them up. We then drew at random a strip that wasn’t our own, twisted it, and tied it on our wrist as a bracelet. The bracelet would remind us to pray for one another, particularly the person whose strip we drew. We wrote down that person’s goal so we could remember it and pray for that person to reach her goal. I think it’s an awesome way for us to lift each other up in Christ. After that, our friend decided to wash our feet. Washing feet is an imitation of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. It symbolizes love, humility, and the cleansing of sins. As she came around to each one of us, she prayed for us individually. When she came to me she thanked God for my humor and how I can always make her laugh. That touched me because I love to make people laugh. Seeing someone smile and laugh is one of the most beautiful things on earth. At the same time I was a little sad because my friend led up to thanking God for my humor by saying that we haven’t had a lot of deep talks. I am a very deep person. I love to have deep talks, learn about my friends, and share my life with others. I could not live without going deep. Her comment made me really think about how much I open up to people and go deep with them. I realized that I haven’t really opened up to her or really any of the friends sitting there with me besides my roommate. I used to open up to other people, but lately I’d withdrawn and held people at arms length. Then I realized that I didn’t open up to them because I was too busy protecting myself from further harm. Though I’m a deep person, I was hurt on a very very deep level in my past. I was afraid to open up to my friends, afraid for them to see the real me. I may act like everything is fine and I’m doing great, but a lot of the time I’m not okay and I hurt terribly. I hide the hurt because a little voice in my mind tells me that if my friends really knew the real me, they’d leave, they’d hate me. I can’t explain why they would leave and why they would hate me. It’s an irrational thought and I’ve healed so much to even be able to recognize that as an irrational thought. Before this I hadn’t realized how high and thick my protective walls were. I let people only get so close to me. I don’t want that. I want to open up to people. I want to break down my walls and let people in, it’s just a really scary thing to do because once I let the walls down other people are free to either love me or hurt me. The love sounds wonderful, but the possibility of being hurt by one of my friends is an unbearable thought, and it’s happened before. Once you’re betrayed by someone close to you, someone you call a friend, it’s hard to make yourself vulnerable to another person who could do the same if he/she wanted.
I was so glad that God showed me this about myself. He chose to show me through a friend’s prayer. I have a lot of respect and admiration for this particular friend. She does and says a lot of funny things and that’s awesome and I love that about her. The big thing, however, is her humility and great desire to reflect Jesus. She is a woman who has taken her heart and handed it wholly to Jesus. She is a great example of faith and reliance on God. One of the things that really impress me is her resolve and boldness to say what’s on her heart and to share God with everyone she meets. God is not just the big guy upstairs or a God that we just pay attention to on Sunday to her. God touches every part of her life and she’s acutely aware of it. She runs with all her might towards God and I think that’s beyond awesome. She really encourages and challenges me to seek God in everything. I’m glad because everyone needs a friend that isn’t afraid to point them to the only One who can heal their every hurt and overcome every problem.

You have been reading Simply Life by Faith

-Jerelle

Friday, May 27, 2011

Got a lot to say but can't say it

Okay, so I'm really behind in posting. I have so much to talk about and I'm experiencing writer's block. I tried earlier today and I just couldn't make the words come out right. I'm still working on this and hopefully I'll have a few posts posted soon. I've had a crazy and amazing week and it will be impossible to pack it all into one post. It will take a while to write but I'm determined to get it down because a lot of important things happened this past week. I just wanted to let people know that I'm still blogging, but haven't been home in a week.

Friday, May 20, 2011

A Legacy

5-19-11
I’m moved to tears. I just received a very special gift from an elderly couple in my church. Periodically my dad visits them and when my sister and I are with him we go as well. A lot of young people would be bored with visiting older people who talk about how things used to be and reminisce about earlier times in their lives, however, we find what they have to say both important and interesting. Think about it. How much have these two people seen in their lives? How long have they been trusting God? Imagine the wisdom and understanding and experience they have. Instead of an obligation it’s an honor to know and spend time with these faithful children of God. They have been faithful to God for so many years. Me, I’ve been a Christian for about 10 years. That’s just a small fraction compared to them. So, in a way, they are Christian mentors to my family. All of my great grandparents have passed away and that makes our relationship to this couple even more enriching. This couple couldn’t afford to buy something or give money for my graduation. Instead they pieced together a very thoughtful package of Christian books and sources. One thing that really touched me was my great grandparents’ funeral cards and obituaries tucked inside one of the books. My great grandparents’ were spiritual giants in my eyes. Both were leaders in our small church and it’s because of them that I was raised hearing about Jesus and his love for me. It was their gentle influence, flowing through our family, which led me to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Out of all the decisions I’ve made in my life, even the decision to heal from abuse, making Jesus the Lord of my life has been the greatest and best decision I’ve ever made. My great grandparents’ have left a legacy of following Christ and trusting God in all things great and small. Including their funeral cards and obituaries in the gift seemed to say “They left a legacy and you are continuing that legacy.” That really touched me. I’ve never really counted myself as very important, but seeing the fruit, being the fruit, of the efforts of my great grandparents changed my perspective. They impacted many generations after them and I have the same potential. Just as God worked in them God is working in me. It isn’t our individual abilities and strengths that impact the world for God, it’s our surrender to and faith in God that enables us to show the world God’s light, like a lamp on its stand, like a city on a hill.

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He is my security

5-18-11
Today I rolled out of bed to answer my cell phone. It was my roomie, Jancee (check out her blog http://www.nerdycollegekid.blogspot.com/). What she told me started out sounding like bad news, but then God helped me to see the real situation. Jancee called the apartment complex that we were planning on moving into this morning to check when we could come up and sign the lease for the apartment. The apartment we had set our sights on is no longer available. They told us that the people who had been living in that particular apartment were being evicted because they couldn’t pay the rent. However, the man who owns the apartment complex is a very kind-hearted and understanding man. He was working with the people, not wanting to have to evict them. One of them found a job lately and now they are able to pay the rent again and won’t be evicted. At first, I was really irritated that we seem to have lost a lot of progress towards finding an apartment. I was hoping to hear that we could come up as soon as possible to sign the lease. However, God helped me see the situation with a better perspective. The people who live in that apartment were struggling and came really close to being without a home. They are people just like my roomie and me, people that need a safe place to live. If they had been thrown out how could I really justify rejoicing over having an apartment? Instead God worked it out so that they can now pay the rent and still have a roof over their heads. I think that’s something to celebrate and be happy about. My roomie and I are still looking for a place to stay, but I’m not worried. I realized that I was relying on our human strength and resources to get a place to live before all the available places are taken. Now I can see that my roommate and I finding an apartment is in God’s hands. He provides for his children. No matter what happens, I will trust him with his plan for me. I don’t know what his plan is or where it will take me, but I have faith that his plan is best. I know he will take care of us and the situation we’re in is not a setback but a step closer to his plan for us.

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Double Protection

12:37 AM 5-18-11
Remember the shiny new deadbolt that my dad put in the door for me? Well, now it’s a huge shiny new metal latch. It screams protection it’s so big. Dad’s going to take out the deadbolt he put in and put the old one back so we can all still lock the door securely so no one can break into our house while we’re away (that’s always a plus! Lol). Dad said he’s going to put the new deadbolt on the other door instead. Wow, double protection! I’d thought about the other door. I’m sure my brother has a key or some way of getting through it, but I forced myself not to think about it because I knew it would bother me. Now I’ll have that metal latch on one door and the new deadbolt on the other. My brother can’t unlock either so you can bet I’m stoked! I feel surrounded by affirmation and protection now. I’ve thought about taking a picture of the new latch and posting it here so you can see the hugeness of it. Actually, I’d like to take pictures in general and share them on my blog. I wonder if you can do that. Well, I guess that’s an experiment for the next time I go to town and get an internet signal. Well, I hate to keep it so short but it’s late and I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow so I’m calling it a night.

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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

New Deadbolt, Bethany Hamilton, and Compassion International

5-17-11
Hooray!!! I came home yesterday to find a shiny new deadbolt on the door! That was fast! I’ve noticed a marked difference in my sleep and ability to relax. It’s great knowing that you’re protected. Even more awesome than knowing I’m protected is the fact that my dad wants to protect me. That does wonders for my self esteem. Every time I see that new deadbolt on the door it reminds me that I’m worth protecting.
In other news, yesterday I finally got to town again and was able to publish the blog posts I’ve been writing at home. I got to check my email too. Funny, we take being able to get on the internet and check email and facebook for granted when we have internet regularly. However, when we find ourselves in a place with no internet signal for a prolonged amount of time that time on the internet becomes more precious. I did get an update on Bethany Hamilton. I signed up for her monthly newsletter (the coconut wire) on her website. She’s stoked about Soul Surfer’s release in theaters. She also competed in a surf competition lately but didn’t do as well as she had wanted to. She expressed a little bit of discouragement because she’s surfing the best she’s ever surfed in her life but it didn’t show in that competition. I guess that just goes to show that even the best of us get discouraged at times. I do hope that she is encouraged to keep doing her best. She surfs more beautifully than I’ve ever seen anyone surf before. It takes real talent, dedication, and heart to do what she does.
I got an email from Compassion International about my Compassion child, Watson. I sponsor a little boy in Haiti. The sponsor money pays for his food, clothing, education, and medical care. It’s an awesome organization. His birthday is coming up soon and Compassion gave me the option of sending him a birthday gift! The way this works is I give a certain amount of money and the organization buys him an age appropriate gift. Though that email made me happy that I was able to do something for Watson’s birthday it also showed me how little I actually do for the poor in the world. I sponsor one child living in poverty. I decided to sponsor Watson when I had less money than I do now and less of an opportunity to make any more money. I’m blessed to have more money now. I don’t go from paycheck to paycheck anymore and I’ve been working on my savings account. I just feel like there’s so much more I could be doing to help others than what I’m currently doing. Right now I’m blessed with more time and money than I need myself. I don’t know what to do but I just have a strong desire to minister to the needs of others and share God’s love. God blesses us so that we can share those blessings with others. So, I’ve been asking God what he wants me to do. I don’t want to just run off in any random direction to serve others. When I’m blessed with the time to bless others I’m sure God has something in mind. I want to be where he wants me to be, doing what he wants me to do. The most fulfilling thing I can do with my life is to follow God’s path for me. He’s got it all figured out and planned. I just have to trust him. I’m in good hands. J

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Monday, May 16, 2011

A Father's Protection

3-15-11
            I haven’t been sleeping well. The past few nights I’ve just tossed and turned. I’ll be tired and I can’t find anything in my day that contributes to poor sleep. I don’t drink caffeinated pop anymore, don’t get much chocolate, I exercise in the morning. It’s quiet in the house and nothing in particular seems to wake me up. This has happened before. My sophomore year of college I had so much trouble with sleep that I was exhausted all the time and cried because I couldn’t sleep. Of course, during that time I had PTSD and the sleep problems made sense because of my general hypervigilance and sensitive alarm response. I don’t have PTSD anymore so I’ve racked my brains for a plausible explanation. That’s when I realized that I haven’t slept well since it dawned on me the other day that my abuser can walk into the house anytime during the day when I’m alone. He has a key to the house. My sister goes to school and then work and Dad has a 9 to 5 job, though he’s had to work late more often this past week. It really unsettles and bothers me that the only thing stopping my abuser from hurting me again is his decision to either hurt me or not hurt me. He knows I’m alone. I’m defenseless. Knowing this, it makes sense that I haven’t been sleeping well. In order to sleep we have to let our guard down and relax and that’s something I don’t naturally do when I’m a sitting duck for a known rapist, especially a man who has personally raped me in the past.
            He was at the house today. Dad, my sister, and I had gone out to eat after Church and we dropped my sister off at her boyfriend’s house. We came back to the house because Dad had forgotten something. When we came into view of the house I recognized my brother’s vehicle in the driveway. I ignored him while Dad ran into the house to get what he’d forgotten. After we left, I told my Dad that I didn’t like the idea that my brother could come by and get into the house when I’m alone. Dad told me he’d worried about that and that my brother wasn’t supposed to still be in town. He was expected to be down for only two weeks while he found a job and moved to another state. He came down a month or more ago. Dad said that he could put another deadbolt on the door that my brother wouldn’t have the key to for me to use when I’m alone at the house. Relief washed over me. A year ago I had cut ties with my family, especially my dad, and left town. It wasn’t healthy for me to be around my family. I wasn’t supported or protected by them. Since I renewed my relationship with my family I’ve noticed things have changed a great deal. I guess, after I left, Dad really looked at his relationship with his kids and realized how important it was that he protect me. His lack of protection equated a lack of concern and love to me. Now he’s stepping up and choosing to protect me from possible harm. I can’t begin to express how much that means to me. In deciding to protect me he’s affirmed my worth and expressed his love for me. The simple decision to put another deadbolt on the door was like him saying to me “You are important to me. I love you and because I love you I want to protect you. I don’t want any bad thing to happen to you.” Once again, God has healed a part of me through another person. My sense of self worth was severely damaged when I wasn’t protected from my brother. Now, I’m healing because Dad affirmed my worth in choosing to protect me. God is so amazing and I trust him with all that is in me. I know that God is in control. No bad thing can happen to me that God won’t turn into an even bigger blessing. He is using what happened to me in the past for good now. Anything else bad that happens to me will only add to the good because what mankind means for evil, God means for good (Genesis 50:20). I will keep moving forward because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

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Though Sorrow May Last for the Night His Joy Comes With the Morning

3-14-11
            Can it be possible that the sun is rising on my dark night of the soul? The night has been so long that’s it’s hard to imagine life without it. I remember the nights when I cried myself to sleep, praying and asking God when it would be okay again. When was I going to not hurt anymore. When could I lie down in my bed and not think about his hands covering my mouth so I couldn’t scream. Lying in bed triggered a lot of painful and unsafe feelings in me because I was often abused in a bed. I hated myself, I hated by body, I hated how weak and vulnerable I felt. Everything is so different now. I speak with confidence, well, more confidence than I’ve had most of my life. I like myself. I take care of my body, eating what’s good for me and exercising. Before, I felt that I didn’t deserve what was good for me. Now I gladly take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If something feels too threatening to me or upsets me, bringing up memories of the abuse, I say no. I assert my boundaries and I don’t let anyone walk all over me anymore. If I don’t feel up to smiling and acting civil towards my brother at family get togethers I leave. I don’t put up with it anymore. I will not live with my head down anymore. I am not a door mat. I have more self respect now. I used to wear a mask so often that many in the family didn’t know it was fake. I operated according to a fake personality. I was an introvert, quiet, didn’t step on people’s toes, didn’t get in the way, didn’t ruffle feathers, and sacrificed myself for the convenience of others. In reality, I’m equally introverted and extraverted. I can be quiet and I can be loud. I care deeply about people but now I won’t enslave myself to them, I’ll help as much as I can, but I won’t be an enabler. I will not be an emotional punching bag anymore. I’ll ruffle feathers and step on toes if I have to and I believe I’m worth enough to get in the way sometimes. I stand up for myself because I’m worth fighting for. I will not apologize for being who I truly am. I’ve hid my true self far too long and hiding your true self is damaging. If my abuser can walk around with his head held high why can’t I? I can and I will. I didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t my fault. I refuse to continue carrying my brother’s shame. The shame belongs to him, not me. I drop it today and God forbid I pick it back up.

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The Courage to Speak

5-13-11
Lately I’ve really thrown myself into prayer more than I have in a very long time. I know that God wants us to ask for the things we need, though he knows better than we do what we need. I’ve been telling God my desires to do something big for him. I feel like he has something amazing planned for me that involves my testimony. I’ve noticed how, in just the past few days, God has taken that request and desire of mine and shown me things I didn’t think I was capable of. I’ve talked about some of those instances already. Mostly, what I’ve noticed is that God has opened my mouth. I’m not afraid to tell people my testimony and share my relationship with God. Yesterday I visited my aunt next door. I used to visit her a lot and we’d talk about random things for hours. She’s a housewife and homebound because she doesn’t have a driver’s license. It doesn’t seem to bother her, I’d go crazy. I ended up telling her my testimony, how I’d been abused and raped and God’s been healing me. I talk about God, but I don’t “overdo it” if that makes sense. I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable and not understand me. I try to communicate things in a practical way that would relate to the person I’m talking to. I don’t know how successful I am with that though. God should be shared with people, but I disagree with shoving God down people’s throats. It’s their personal decision to accept him or reject him. I don’t think people should be pressured because the decision should come from their heart.

What’s really amazed me is how God has given me peace and calmed me when I tell my testimony. I used to get worked up something awful. I wanted to share my testimony but at the same time I was scared to death of rejection and not being believed. I was so ashamed about what happened to me. Now I’m able to let my guard down with more people and share what God has done in me. My aunt was surprised when I told her, but understanding. Our conversations together had never really reached this depth before so we both had to adjust to that. It opened up our conversation to the possibility of other deep subjects. Later the same day my sister had a friend over. While my sister did her friend’s nails we all talked about anything and everything. Her friend mentioned my abuser offhandedly. I don’t remember the context. I was alarmed that she knew him, but it’s not really a big neighborhood. I’d just thought he’d been away when she moved down. She has a boyfriend, so I wasn’t worried about a possible romantic relationship between her and my abuser, but all the same, I was concerned. I’m living proof that he doesn’t need a romantic relationship to attempt and/or complete a sexual assault. He abused me since I was about 9, off and on, until I was about to turn 18. I told my sister’s friend to never be alone with him. She asked me why, just out of curiosity. I surprised myself by being able to tell her frankly. I said “He’s a rapist.” I told her that it happened to me and that he’s had other victims that I didn’t find out about until I broke the silence and told. It’s amazing how when one person breaks the silence, others find it easier to break the silence as well. I hope no one else has to ever find out what he’s capable of by experience. As far as I know I’m his only rape victim and that offense was repeated. As far as I know he’s sexually abused other girls (who are safe from him now) but he’s never raped someone else. Of course, he denies all of this and will deny it until he’s blue in the face. But God has shown me that I don’t have to wait for him to face the truth. Though an honest apology and promise that it will never happen again from him would be tremendously healing for both of us, I can heal without his cooperation. Nothing is too hard for God. There isn’t a wound, physical, psychological, or spiritual, that he can’t heal. Of this, I am also living proof.

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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Healing Through a Teacher's Concern

5-10-11
Today my sister needed me to drive her to school in the middle of the day. Apparently they had nothing for the seniors to do during state testing so they didn’t have to come to school until lunch time. After saying bye to her I walked around the school for awhile and talking to some of my high school teachers. I thought that since I just graduated college, it was an appropriate time to visit them. J I visited one of my English teachers and then my Visual and Performing Arts teacher. He was my dance instructor. I was a dancer in high school. It’s one of those things that sets me on fire and makes me feel like I’m flying. I don’t get to dance much these days, but I had such an awesome time on the dance team in high school.
Later, I ran into my U.S. History teacher. He was one of my very favorite teachers when I was in high school and I always felt safe around him, though I didn’t trust many males. We started talking about God and hard times in life and I told him that I’d had PTSD most of the time I was in college. He was stunned and asked me why. I told him that I was abused; I didn’t specify what kind of abuse. He was shocked and asked me who, so I told him. I was surprised that he asked questions because a lot of people are really uncomfortable with talking about sexual abuse. He asked for more information, not in a creepy, invasive way but out of true concern. I told him that I had been raped more than once, told my last semester of high school, and fell completely apart. He gave me a hug and expressed concern for my well being. I know now that, had I told him when I was in high school, he would have definitely taken me seriously. The thought never occurred to me back then. I couldn’t even tell my own father, I had to tell a female. Just like when my psychology professor’s daughter hugged me, when I talked about the abuse with my history teacher I felt God take a hold of my heart and heal a deep part of me that had been broken. God is so amazing and mysterious in the way that he heals us. My history teacher was the first man that I told, in person, that I was sexually abused. I was able to talk about it with him and I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t go numb, I didn’t have panicked thoughts that he would somehow hurt me because I had to become vulnerable to tell him. I felt completely safe. It was really powerful and healing. God works through so many different people in so many different ways to accomplish his plans. I’m just so amazed at how God is working in my life right now. It reminds me of a Bible verse “‘For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.’” (Jeremiah 29:11).

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Great Reading Material

5-8-11
I finished Bethany Hamilton’s book, Soul Surfer, today!!! It is an amazing book! The book showed me how she struggled with healing emotionally from the attack. She’s the strongest woman I know and reading her own words about how she struggled is really encouraging to me. When I first watched the movie I felt that she barely struggled at all, especially compared to me struggling to heal from abuse. It kinda made me feel somehow weak, but I knew that wasn’t the message the movie was meant to tell. There was more to it and reading her honest thoughts on the subject of her attack and healing, I got a better picture of it. Yes, she did struggle, but she trusted God and that’s what got her to where she is today. I’ve been actively trusting God in my healing for 4 ½ years and God has done amazing things in my life. I never thought I could smile, relax, breath, dance, or open up to people the way I do now. Now, I truly live.

Today I was reading my Bible and I came across the story of the sinful woman who washed and anointed Jesus’ feet (Luke 7:36-50). Jesus was dining at the house of a Pharisee. This woman washed his feet with her tears, wiped them dry with her hair, anointed them with expensive oil from an alabaster jar, and never ceased to kiss his feet. Can you imagine kissing the feet of the Lord of the Universe? That thought blew my mind. She had so much faith in God that she abandoned herself to her Lord and worshiped him openly before all the guests at the Pharisee’s house. The Pharisee looked down upon this woman and couldn’t believe that Jesus allowed her to touch him, but Jesus pronounced this woman’s sins to be forgiven. I think this is one of the most beautiful stories in the Bible.

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Graduating College

5-7-11
Today I graduated college with a Bachelor of Science degree for psychology and religion. A lot of hard work went into reaching this day. However, I wouldn’t have walked across that stage if it hadn’t been for God. My freshman year of college I developed delayed onset chronic PTSD. This disorder would stay with me until the last half of the fall semester of my senior year. I went years without the ability to fully feel emotion or even physical sensation. I numbed out. I experienced flashbacks of the abuse. The memories of rape were the hardest to go through during this time. I had panic attacks, hyper vigilance, and a constant fear that someone would hurt me again like my brother had. During my freshman year the pain got so bad that I often contemplated suicide. I lost a lot of the will to live. If I had not numbed out, I would have been constantly weeping for the hurt, pain, shame, and lack of support I felt from my family. I know my family loves me, but at the time (unbeknownst to me) most of my family didn’t know about the abuse. I thought word had spread since I had told my parents my senior year of high school. The lack of reaction, support, reassurance, and protection took a lot out of me. I felt, essentially, alone with my pain. I hated myself to the very core. I believed so strongly that it was somehow my fault, some deficiency in myself that had caused the abuse and that made my family not want to help me or protect me. I felt marked by the abuse and unworthy of love or affection from anyone.
God was not going to let me go. He had and still has a plan for my life. The very day that I thought I could take the pain no more and held a knife to the underside of my arm God sent someone to me. I held that knife to my arm for a while, intending to cut a deep line down the underside of my forearm, up to my wrist. I’d heard that was the way to do it. But with that knife to my arm I heard God screaming in my head “Don’t do it!!!” I ended up closing the knife and throwing it across the room, away from me. I then ran out of my dorm room and down the sidewalk towards the cafe. I ran into the youth pastor for one of the local churches. I knew him from being a leader in my high school First Priority club. He asked me how I was doing. I finally decided to be honest and tell him that I was really struggling. He told me to come talk to him in his church office sometime. Not long after that I found myself in a side room of the church building with him, talking about what was going on. At that moment when I needed to let everything spill out, I found that I could not speak. All I could do was cry. I never got to tell him what was wrong, but he gave me the number for a female college senior that I could talk to. I later told him that I felt suicidal through an email. I also met with the college minister and talked with him. I wasn’t able to tell him much either, I was so numb, so hurt, and so ashamed that the words I needed to say would not come out. He directed me to a lady who could set me up with a counselor.
Little bit by little bit, I got better. At least, I got to the point that I no longer wanted to take my own life. I decided to just try living one day at a time and trusting God with my life.

Healing was gradual most of the time, but I went through many short bursts of healing over the years. I have come so far. To walk across that stage at my own college graduation was so much more than just the celebration of hard academic study and achievement. The real reason for celebration was that I am still alive. I don’t want to take my life and I haven’t wanted to take my life for years. I don’t have PTSD anymore. I’m healing and have healed so much. The best part though is that my faith in and relationship with God has grown a hundred times stronger. People sometimes wonder why God allows the storms of life to happen to his children. Seeing the change in me, I wonder what we would be like if God didn’t use those storms to strengthen our faith and deepen our relationship with Him. If I had to do it all over again, I would still have chosen to heal. Burying the pain only makes things worse. The part of the journey of healing that I’ve come through so far has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. It shook me to my core, broke every part of me, and I had to allow God to heal the broken parts. Imagine having a hurricane, tsunami, tornado, earthquake, and flashflood trapped inside of you all at once with no escape. There is nothing easy about healing from sexual abuse and rape. However, God is greater. His goodness triumphs over every evil. His strength trumps all adversity. His power to heal overcomes every wound, no matter how deep. I am truly blessed and grateful to be alive today. I walk, live, work, and heal in the power and love of my Savior. Without him, I can do nothing, but through Him, I can do all things.

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P.S.- Staying at my dad’s house I no longer have internet service to post to my blog regularly. Instead I am writing posts on Microsoft Word at home and posting them when I can get to town and get a signal.

Friday, May 6, 2011

The Healing Touch of a Child

Today God chose to act in my life using a child. God is always surprising me like that. One of my psychology professors invited my roommate and me to her house for dinner today. My roommate and I were bringing our 3DS for her three kids to see. They had yet to see it and were ecstatic when they finally got it in their hands. Earlier this month (or late last month) I gave my box set of A Series of Unfortunate Events to my professor so she could give it to her daughter (I'll call her K). K was reading the books and absolutely loved them. It was going to be a surprise. My professor chose to reveal that surprise while we were at her house. When K opened the box and saw the books her expression of delight was so genuine and free. I struggle with showing true emotions, so it was amazing to see her reaction. Then, she surprised me. She came over to me and hugged me. It wasn't one of those polite, brief thank you hugs. She grabbed a hold of me and held on tight. To understand the impact of this act, you need some background information. I've been terrified of small children since I started healing from my abuse. Children made me feel uncomfortable. They were so small and vulnerable. I was so afraid of somehow hurting them that I distanced myself from them. I was afraid to stand close to them, afraid to hug them, talk to them, or let them touch me in any way. It wasn't my feelings of safety that concerned me, I was scared out of my mind for their safety. I visibly shook when my roommate's little brother jumped into my lap unexpectedly at her house. I knew I would never and could never purposely hurt them. It was irrational. When K hugged me, God grabbed a hold of my heart and started to heal a deep part of me. I was really hesitant, then I hugged back gently, but when she didn't let go I hugged tighter. It's amazing how one simple act can affect the heart so much. I was confused and didn't quite understand what was going on in my heart. Later the same day we joined the family at the ball park in town. Her two sons were on little league teams. Before we left to go back to our dorm K hugged me again. This time she hugged me even longer and harder. She did this several times, and I hugged her back with less and less hesitation each time. I realized that somehow this little girl was healing part of my heart. I wanted so much to drop my guard and just hug her, but I still feared somehow hurting that beautiful little girl. I'm fighting tears writing this because it affected me so strongly. She started the healing process in that hurt part of my heart. God works in such mysterious and unexpected ways.

What K did today made me really start to examine why I started to fear children in the first place. My thoughts are that the self blame for the abuse still had a hold on me. I feared children because of some unconscious idea in my head that I was bad and if they were around me they would get hurt. When K hugged me I started to realize that I'm not bad. I'm not the one who hurt people. The abuse was not my fault. I would never and could never hurt a child like I was hurt. Seeing this now I can finally throw off the conviction that children aren't safe around me. That belongs to my abuser, not me. I didn't hurt an innocent, vulnerable person. I was the innocent, vulnerable person that was hurt. I don't know how to begin to describe how freeing it feels to know that I'm not dangerous, that children are safe with me. I actually actively protect them, watching out for threats that could harm them. I couldn't see this through the conviction that I was the dangerous one. I want to thank God for showing this to me and for healing that hurting part in my heart. I also want to thank K for being God's chosen vessel in his work of healing. God is so amazing. He is definitely doing something HUGE in my life right now. May all the praise go to Him. I play only a small part in this. I am willing and working to heal, but God is the one who does the healing. :)

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-Faith_inpresentdarkness

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Freedom in God's Will

Yesterday I started to grasp what freedom and God's will really mean. A lot of people debate over this, saying that God's will conflicts with personal freedom and the two can't truly coexist. Well, I was thinking today about how God's will plays out in each person's life. I'm not saying I completely understand it, but I think I may be beginning to get a better picture of how it works. Looking back on my life I can see God working towards where I am today. The big thing was thinking about how different people's lives intersect and influence one another. I believe God definately works through that. Why bad things happen also comes into play in these ideas running through my head. I'm thinking God's will works in people's lives in a complicated way. God has wonderful plans for his children but Satan wants to wreck those plans of a future and a hope. I don't think Satan is in the know when it comes to God's plan for each person. Therefore, Satan tries to generally wreck our lives. This explains stuff like shark attacks, tsunamis, and sexual violence. But God is always one step ahead of Satan. Just like in the Genesis story of Joseph and his jealous brothers, what mankind meant for evil, God meant for good. Basically I'm thinking that when Satan hurts us through the horrible things in life, whatever they may be, God takes what Satan meant for evil, and if the person is open and willing, God turns the intentioned evil into something amazing in our lives. A good example is Bethany Hamilton. Satan wanted to immobilize her walk with God and impact on the world. He thought having a shark bite off her left arm would do the trick. That makes sense because, for a lot of people, getting your arm bit off would turn you completely off God and send you into despair and hopelessness. Instead, Bethany was willing to trust God in his plan. God's plan was to turn what Satan tried to use to ruin her life into a HUGE blessing and inspiration to others. Bethany's encounter with that shark not only led to tremendous personal growth and growth in her relationship with God. It led to millions of people being touched by her story, people that wouldn't have been impacted if the attack had not happened. I'm one of those people impacted by her story. Satan tried to wreck my life with sexual abuse and rape. I've been trusting God in my healing and he's been turning what my brother meant for evil into more good than I can presently imagine. I've made progress through the years trying to heal, but I hit a huge breakthrough when I heard Bethany's story. When I watched the movie Soul Surfer it was like someone turned the light switch on in my head. It makes me wonder where I would be, and where a million other people would be, if Bethany hadn't shared her story or even been attacked by a shark in the first place. Satan tries to wreck individual lives but God can bless millions through one life. Sorry if this is hard to follow, but it's where I am and the thoughts in my head. Knowing that God's will is at work in my life frees me from anxiety and fear because I know that whatever God wills for me, he will give me the strength to go through it. No matter what happens, I'm secure in my faith in God's will and his ability to carry me through all things. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. In God's will, I have true freedom because I don't have to worry about not being able to do it. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. This is freedom from fear, shame, anxiety, pressure to excel and succeed. In God's will, I'm free to be my true self and not be ashamed of it or hide it. Once we stop trying to be excellent for God using only our own strength and start relying on him for strength and direction we are enabled to do truly great things. It reminds me of the song Firework. If we "succeed" using our own strength we might result in one firework in the night sky. If we trust God and, in his strength, follow his plan for us we'll light up the night sky with a grand finale.

By the way, my best friend also has a blog. You should read it, it is awesome! Find it at http://www.nerdycollegekid.blogspot.com/  Go Jancee!!!

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-Faith_inpresentdarkness

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Making Progress

So I've had a pretty awesome day today. Events were pretty normal, well, as normal as finals week gets lol. This changed perspective on life has had far reaching effects. I can see everything so differently. I've broken out of my cage of pain and shame and it feels amazing!!! It feels so good to smile, really genuinely smile and laugh and not feel uncomfortable. I find myself happy for no apparent reason and thinking about all the good things in life. My heart bursts with love and thanks for what God has done in me. I'm also more active and healthy. With this new perspective and resolve I see myself as a beautiful creation of God who deserves to be healthy. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and each day I find myself wanting more and more to take care of this temple. I've been spontaneous and joined my friends on trips to the library, walmart, the cafeteria, around campus (plenty of socializing and walking). I'm up and moving around so much more than I was just a few days ago. I also have an appetite again. I've gone for about a year without one. On a good day I might have gotten hungry for one meal. Now, I'm hungry when I'm supposed to be. Eating is not a chore anymore. I no longer dread meal times. I'm also eating healthier. Today I surprised myself by choosing not only healthy portions, but healthy food options in the cafe today. My plate for supper was a full half fruits and veggies! Another quarter was rice w/ carrot and pineapple (interesting mix, I know lol they try). The last quarter was sesame seed chicken. I'm stoked about this! I'm full of so much joy and hope for the future. It is just so amazing living without the shame of abuse constantly overshadowing me. I said it on this blog, it's out there now and no one so far has reacted with disgust towards me. I feel so empowered to live my life to the fullest I possibly can on this earth. This is such a stunning change in me I'm surprised I'm not outwardly glowing. The Bible talks about God filling your cup to overflowing. That's how I feel right now. I'm full of fierce joy, triumph, love, peace, and hope. My middle name is a hawaiian name, by doing some research a long time ago I found out that it means "blessed." Right now I truly feel blessed. I am literally so full of joy that I'm about to cry. The feeling is so wonderful and I wondered during the grueling years of suffering from abuse and then the hard years of healing from the abuse if I would ever feel this way again. God's timing is perfect. If I could have bypassed on the hard work of trying to heal and jumped straight to this feeling I wouldn't have done it. Now I have the joy and peace plus the understanding, strength, and courage it takes to survive and actively heal from sexual abuse and rape.

I know it's an awkward topic and I said it wouldn't be my only topic on this blog. I want to assure anyone reading this blog that I'm not afraid to talk about it and I'm open to questions. If someone reading this has a similar story or related story, or just needs someone to listen, I am more than happy to be there. I am only a comment or facebook message away. Even if your past has no trauma in it and you are just curious or want to talk, I'm completely open to it. The defeat of shame in my life has broken the chains that have held me in silence for so long. Now, thanks to God, I'm a force to be reckoned with. My strength and faith come from God. I know this because I could not have pulled myself out of the pit I was in. I am a classic case of divine intervention, and I'm proud of it!

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May you be blessed today

-Faith_inpresentdarkness

Monday, May 2, 2011

This Little Light of Mine

I've decided that I want to go public with my blog, that meaning that I want my friends to know about it. I want to spread it on facebook. The very same day that I posted my last post I got a message from a friend that had read it. Her message really encouraged me and helped me see that I really can reach others through my testimony. I know that my testimony is one that people don't normally ask to be given during a retreat or Bible study night. Sexual abuse and rape are kinda taboo subjects. People feel uncomfortable when they hear about it. My aim is not to make others feel uncomfortable. I just want to share my story and not be silent and ashamed about it anymore. Not talking about it only serves to make survivors feel ashamed about their pasts. My hope is that me talking about it and sharing how I've been healing from abuse will encourage others. I want to share God through my testimony. Just posting part of my story on my last post and then reading a response from a friend has helped me heal a little bit more.

Of course sexual abuse and rape aren't going to be the only topics on this blog. This blog is still titled Simply Life by Faith. It's about my life and my life isn't defined by something bad that happened to me. I going to talk about all kinds of things in my life. So don't worry, this blog isn't going to be a constant downer. I've just been amazed and inspired to reach others with my story, both the joy and the tears of it. That being said, I do want to mention the awesome day I had today.

Some of my friends and I all went to Knoxville today. We visited this really big and really amazing used bookstore. It was the biggest book store I think I've ever been in, and the prices were really great. I walked out with 5 books in all. I can have no doubts that I chose the right two majors in college. My majors are psychology and religion. I bought two books from the Professional Psychology section and two books from the Christian Living section. My fifth book came out of a random section (can't remember the name), but it's also related to psychology because it about how to see a person's personality in his/her handwriting. I've always found that topic interesting and now I've finally found a book on it! Later we went to the movies to see Jane Eyre. I've never read the book, to the utter disbelief and horror of my roommate. I didn't expect it to be so scary. I thought it would be more chick flicky but there were several spooky scenes in this movie. Now I want to read the book because the movie was really interesting, and, yes, in a psychological way lol. I'm a psych nerd, what can I say? I've always liked to learn about people and understand them. I'm not all about analyzing people. That's uncomfortable to go through and not really reliable. Instead I like to build relationships with people and get to know them personally. I have a passion for other people and their stories.

Well, it's really late and finals start tomorrow . . . or later this morning depending on how you see it. lol.

You have been reading Simply Life by Faith :)

-Faith_inpresentdarkness

P.S. -For those of you who don't know, my real name is not Faith. I use it as a pseudo-name because my name is really unique and I try to be careful about the personally identifying information I share on the internet.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Blessings in Abundance

So, I've been looking at my life differently lately and it has changed my perspective. I tend to focus on what I do wrong. My failings are ever before my eyes. You know how it feels when you can't see the good in you for all the bad? Well, I saw a movie two Thursdays ago that has had a huge impact on me. It's called Soul Surfer (based on a true story). It's about a female surfer in Hawaii, named Bethany Hamilton, who was attacked by a shark at the age of thirteen. The shark bit off her entire left arm. Despite this she trusted God in her struggles, didn't give up on her dream of becoming a pro surfer, and in the end learned that God enabled her to reach millions of people through her injury and courage. Bethany Hamilton is now 21 and a pro surfer. She is continuing to inspire others around the world who have suffered trauma. The message that this movie shared helped me to see with new eyes. Bad things happen to people, but God makes the bad into a good and uses our wounds and struggles to strengthen us and others. He turns bad things into opportunies to share his truth, life, and gospel. I knew this already, but seeing the story of someone who lives it out today really opened my eyes to this truth. Bethany's faith in God is amazing. I think the most amazing thing about her faith in God is that it isn't passive. She acted on her faith, though she couldn't see the big picture. She didn't just wait around, she worked towards her dream and took her walk with God one day at a time.

Having suffered from trauma in the past, Bethany's story really hit home for me. I am a survivor of incest. My older brother sexually abused me for many years and raped me more than once when I was around 13-14. I developed delayed onset chronic post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) my freshman year of college. Within just the past year, I can now say that I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for PTSD. I still struggle with some issues of self esteem, confidence, body image, anger, and anxiety, but I have come so far in my healing. Bethany's story helped me to look beyond simply healing from the trauma to looking to how I can use what happened to me to share God with others. I decided years ago that I want to be a counselor and help fellow survivors of sexual trauma, however, I wasn't getting the big picture. Yes, it's great that I want to help other survivors like me, but God can work through my experience to reach more than just one specific subgroup of trauma survivors. Just as Bethany's story spoke to me, my story can speak to others who don't necessarily share my experience. Being sexually abused and/or raped can seriously damage self image, confidence, relationships, and especially future marriage and having children. Working through the pain and struggling to heal is a huge job. There is nothing easy about it. So I guess, in a way, my story is similar to Bethany's. I haven't given up and I never lost faith in God. Instead I work actively, every day, to heal from the trauma. I am also reaching for my dream: to be confident, to look at myself and see beauty, to meet and marry my future husband and trust him, to have children and be close and nurturing to them, to have deep, enduring, loving relationships with others, to be myself and not be ashamed, to share God's love with the world.

Looking at my life differently also led me to see the good things in me and in my life. I am surrounded by so much of God's blessings, grace, hope, peace, love, and mercy. I have gone from being a hurting, heartbroken girl with PTSD in a dysfunctional family to a healing woman with a healing family. God has blessed me in so many ways, I don't know if I can even scratch the surface in this blog post. Every day I see more of God's love for me and every day I love God a little more. I see my family healing from past dysfunctional ways of acting; I see my connection to and communication with my family growing stronger. God is so good and I know that it was in his plan for a young girl attacked by a shark in Hawaii to, years later, reach a woman healing from sexual trauma. God is just awesome like that.

You have been reading Simply Life by Faith.

May God bless you abundantly, as he has blessed me.

-Faith_inpresentdarkness

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Movie with friends when I should be working

Hey! Faith here. So I am currently watching a movie with my friends in my dorm. I'm supposed to be writing my counseling paper or doing something else productive. However, there were plans for a movie tonight and I was the only one out of the loop. That's alright though. I really like hanging out with my friends. It's my senior year so time with them is short.

So I got a short break to play Fallout 3 today. It's a really immersive game. You can really get into it and there's so much to do. Today I completed two assignments for some random supplies woman who asked me to be her research assistant/experiment. My first assignment was to go to a supermarket and see if I could find food and medicine. The entire landscape is ravaged due to a nuclear war and feral animals and raiders roam the wasteland and she wants me to go to the supermarket? Well, of course the food and medicine were all gone and the place was full of raiders. After being shot at by the raiders, finding out that my gun had absolutely no affect on them, and running out of the supermarket twice, I decided to go in using stealth to complete the mission. By the way, has anyone noticed how unrealistic it is that your enemies forget you when you walk out of the building and walk by in? I'm glad it works that way though, imagine if they chased me for a mile! I managed to collect some food from a fridge in some random room. All the shelves in the supermarket were either empty or full of empty, bent tin cans. When I returned to the supplies woman she was sad and concerned that raiders were in the place and she had put me in danger. I find that weird because she happens to live in a town where a common greeting would be "Tell someone who cares!"
My next assignment was to expose myself to radiation and accumulate 600 rads. I decided to stand in the radiated puddle in the middle of town between the undetonated atomic bomb and the preaching, atomic bomb worshiping cult leader. Needless to say, I've never been in that situation in a video game before. The supplies woman said she would take care of my radiation after she studied me. She made the cure herself but it had never been tested before. Lucky me. The cure worked amazingly, but I ended up with a mutation. My first thought was "Oh crap, now I have a third arm growing out of my chest or something" but the mutation isn't visible. In fact, it's useful. Now when I get radiation poisoning my limbs will automatically heal all damage. Weird but I'm not complaining.

Well after that I had to go to work. Tried to read and/study but didn't make much progress. When I got off work and made my way to the dorm I saw something both strange and unexpected and random. Four RA's were standing on the sidewalk. Two were wrapping the other two in toilet paper. Then the two wrapped RA's raced each other down the sidewalk where two other RA's unwound them. It had something to do with our dorm spring party/picnic/thing, though I don't know what. There was Domino's pizza and some other snacks in the lobby. Now I'm watching this movie with my friends. It's called French Kiss. It's weird, awkward, and oddly entertaining. lol. Anyway, I'm going to get off here.

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Faith_inpresentdarkness

First Post Ever

So I wanted to get on here and write my very first post. I starting reading blogs because of a crazy college paper assignment. Through that assignment I learned that you didn't have to sound intelligent or talk about anything in particular to have a blog that is enjoyable to read. That encouraged me to start my own blog and just write whatever I wanted to write. So here I am.

I wanted to take a post and explain a few things. First of all, my screen name: faithinpresentdarkness. I am also known as faithinthedarkness, but too many people took the name to mean that I have faith in darkness. The real meaning of the name is that I have faith while I'm in darkness. Hopefully this new name better conveys that meaning. The name carries several levels of meaning. First off, I am a Christian struggling to have faith in a dark world. I am also an abuse survivor relying on faith in the midst of the pain of healing. The URL for my blog is simplylifebyfaith. This also has two meanings. The blog is "Simply Life" and it is written "by faith (faithinpresentdarkness)." It also points to the Bible where Paul writes in Romans that "The righteous shall live by faith." Hence, simply life by faith. I hope I'm making sense.

I will conclude with a list of several but not all of the possible topics I will write about in this blog
  • God
  • psychology
  • video games
  • books
  • family friendly entertainment (ex. Disney)
  • counseling
  • Sexual abuse and rape
  • college/grad school
  • nerd culture
This is definately not an exhaustive list but I listed what I could think of so the reader has an idea of what I'm going to be talking about in this blog. I will close with a funny question that I am still trying to find the answer to: Do they make skin-colored bandaids for black people?

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Have an awesome day!