Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
PTSD Relapse
I haven't posted in a long time. To be quite honest I'm not okay. I'm in very very familiar territory, but I'm not okay. It's an everyday, every hour thing. . . . My PTSD is back. It's back and it's as strong and horrible as ever. I've held off writing about it because it just hurts so much that acting out, numbing, or distracting myself is easier, no, it makes life liveable. PTSD is a psychological disorder that causes you to relive your trauma. For me, that's obviously rape and molestation. Sorry to be blunt but that's my reality. I relive it every day. I feel it, I hurt, I cry, I try to get away from it and I can't. You can't run away from yourself. There's no real person to fight off of you. The panic attacks, extreme anxiety, flashbacks, hallucinations, disassociations, numbness, they've all come back in full force, maybe stronger than before. Every day I feel like I'm going crazy. I forget to eat all day. I don't sleep until 3 in the morning. I stay out late. I can't concentrate enough even to read Harry Potter (rereading before the last movie). I'm afraid of my own shadow, constantly looking behind me. I'm scared to death all day. My stomach feels like it's trapped in a speeding car after swallowing a ball of ice. I'm a wreck. I used to be really good at pretending and acting like I'm okay so nobody notices I'm crazy, but I can't make myself pretend anymore. I'm sick of pretending. I just hurt so much I can't find words to describe it. I feel so pathetic and alone. I'm silently screaming all day. I want help, but it's so hard to ask for help, to reach out. I can't see things clearly. I can't see that anyone could possibly care about me. Because of this I try my hardest to not make myself a burden to others. I just feel so broken. I know God is putting me back together but I can't feel him. I know he's there and I'll never doubt that he's here with me and has everything under control. I just hurt and it feels like there's no end to this hurt. Sometimes I just want to disappear, not die, just disappear. I just want to be okay again.
-Jerelle
-Jerelle
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Good and the Bad
(trigger and graphic warning)
Yesterday was a crazy day. It started at 4:00AM. I woke up fighting my blanket. I was experiencing hallucinations (I referred to these as body memories in an earlier post). My hallucinations are usually not the visual kind. I hallucinate touch. I feel things that aren’t happening. This particular morning the hallucinations were so strong that they woke me up. It was much more vivid than normal and I had been sleeping. I was vulnerable and when I woke up I was scared to death. There were a few times when I woke up as a child and my brother was abusing me. Imagine how hard it is to fall asleep when you know he can strip you twice as fast if he starts while you’re asleep, then have you already pinned before you know where you are. This morning was much the same except he wasn’t there. I could feel him but he wasn’t actually there. It’s confusing when you feel a heavy weight on top of you but you can still sit up and walk around. It was HORRIBLE. Being sexually abused was bad enough when it was actually happening. Why do I have to keep reexperiencing it?! It’s like the abuse never ended and it’s just continuing to this day. It’s like he’s figured out how to send a phantom version of himself to keep abusing me.
Well, I never got back to sleep. After a while, when I couldn’t handle it alone anymore because it was driving me crazy, I texted a friend. Yeah, I texted a friend at 4-something in the morning, I’m a jerk. She helped me ground myself in the present and in reality. What I was feeling was NOT happening. I was safe in my bed and my abuser was nowhere near me. She told me I was going to be okay. Most of the time, all it takes is another person reassuring me that it’s not real and that I’m safe. Yeah the pain sucks but if I can stay in the present and not dissociate I do much better.
At 6:00AM I got out of bed. I was taking my sister to try for her license and we had to get to the courthouse to get in line. They only take the first ten people. There was only one other test taker waiting at the courthouse doors when we got there. The doors apparently don’t open until 7:00AM so the line starts outside. However, once we got inside we found out that there must have been an unlocked door somewhere or the 6 people in the hallway had stayed the night lol. At 8:00AM they started actually giving the tests (sounds drawn out doesn’t it lol). By about 8:30 it was all over. Unfortunately my sister didn’t pass. I told her that a lot of people don’t pass the first time and we can always try again. She cheered up later when I shot a video of her making her cats dance to Britney Spears.
The same day I was going hiking with one of my very best friends! Funny enough, I don’t think we’d ever hung out just the two of us before just a few days ago. I was nervous. I’m not the healthiest person. I used to be a lot healthier and I loved hiking. I could hike all day, especially if I got to rock climb. :) Sometime during my junior year of college I got some sort of mysterious illness. Doctors still don’t understand it or know what’s wrong but it made me gain 70 pounds in about three months with no diet or activity level change. I got arthritis in all my joints, had horrible trouble concentrating, was fatigue ALL the time, developed pleurisy, and a bunch of other stuff. It was a mess. I’ve been getting mysteriously better though. The arthritis is minor, I’m not tired anymore, my head is clearer, and without really changing my eating or activity level I’ve lost (as of this morning) 11 pounds!!! Still, I was nervous about hiking. My friend is in shape and she’s in her element in nature. I’m a slow hiker so I was afraid I’d slow her down to the point of utter boredom. I did much better than I thought I would though. Ten pounds really make a difference when it comes to hiking. :) I was also afraid I’d do something dangerous and irrational. We were alone and I’d never been in a situation with this friend when I lost all rationality and fell into a panic. I did get too close to some cliff edges and crossed some dangerous places. My friend sounded scared when I did these things and that confused me a little. I don’t know why but when friends show concern for my safety I get confused. It makes logical sense but when I’m irrational I just stop and wonder “Why do you care so much?” I’m also bad for getting a little freaked out and running off. We got to a point on the trail where the path branch left and right. My friend decided to walk a little ways down the left side to see what was down there. She turned her back and I bolted. It didn’t feel like I moved that fast but when I heard her yelling for me I was surprised at how far away I was. Then something interesting happened. My rationality returned and I walked back to her. I don’t know, the fear left just as suddenly as it had come. She didn’t seem to notice what had happened and I’d never felt safe again so quickly after getting scared. I decided not to say anything about. I didn’t want to freak her out. We continued down the trail and after a while found a little beach and dipped our feet in the river. Now, some background information. I’m very self conscious. I hadn’t really thought about it before yesterday, but since I was raped I’ve been super self conscious about showing any skin whatsoever, even my feet. I wear T-shirts every day and pants. I never wear shorts, even in the summer. I never show my legs. Something about it makes me feel vulnerable to being hurt again. I guess my logic was that if I cover up it will be harder for anyone to hurt me again. Wearing more clothes did have an impact when my abuser did attack me. Pants are harder to remove than shorts (forgive my bluntness). There was no way that I could take off my shoes and socks and roll up my jeans to walk into the water with someone I didn’t completely trust and feel safe with. There’s not a lot of people I feel totally safe with and as much as I wanted to step into the water on past hiking trips I couldn’t bring myself to reach that vulnerability with friends before. So it was a big moment for me. :) It felt really healing because I could step out and trust that I was completely safe.
On the way back a HUGE downpour caught us. That sounds like it would be a horrible thing but I LOVED IT!!! I love the rain and getting caught in thunderstorms. God feels so close when I’m standing in a storm. This may sound weird but when the wind is blowing ice cold rain into my face and the sky cracks open with thunder God’s love for me feels obvious. I can see it so clearly, even if I can’t see the physical trail in front of me lol. It feels like God is holding me tightly and telling me how much He loves me. He feels so close, like I could reach out and touch Him. When I’m caught in a storm I can’t keep the smile off my face :) Before we got to the car it started hailing. The hail wasn’t big and I, again, thought it was awesome. I didn’t think it hurt; it was just really cold lol. I don’t think my friend was as thrilled as I was lol. We completely soaked the two front seats of my car, which was awesome I mean how many times can you be completely soaked and jump into a completely dry car seat?
It was a day mixed with both amazingness and awful PTSD symptoms. On the way back to campus I freaked more than once because I thought I saw my brother’s vehicle. The are SO MANY vehicles that look JUST LIKE my brother’s. It’s unnerving. His car hadn’t been at my grandparents, which meant he was out and about. I was trying to both hide my fear from my friend and not hide it. I’m trying this new thing where I don’t hide so much from my friends, but old habits are hard to break and the belief that I’ll freak out my friends is still strong. The day ended with a dance party in a teeny tiny lobby and a creepy Dr. Who episode with empty children. Things never get boring lol.
This is Simply Life by Faith
-Jerelle
Yesterday was a crazy day. It started at 4:00AM. I woke up fighting my blanket. I was experiencing hallucinations (I referred to these as body memories in an earlier post). My hallucinations are usually not the visual kind. I hallucinate touch. I feel things that aren’t happening. This particular morning the hallucinations were so strong that they woke me up. It was much more vivid than normal and I had been sleeping. I was vulnerable and when I woke up I was scared to death. There were a few times when I woke up as a child and my brother was abusing me. Imagine how hard it is to fall asleep when you know he can strip you twice as fast if he starts while you’re asleep, then have you already pinned before you know where you are. This morning was much the same except he wasn’t there. I could feel him but he wasn’t actually there. It’s confusing when you feel a heavy weight on top of you but you can still sit up and walk around. It was HORRIBLE. Being sexually abused was bad enough when it was actually happening. Why do I have to keep reexperiencing it?! It’s like the abuse never ended and it’s just continuing to this day. It’s like he’s figured out how to send a phantom version of himself to keep abusing me.
Well, I never got back to sleep. After a while, when I couldn’t handle it alone anymore because it was driving me crazy, I texted a friend. Yeah, I texted a friend at 4-something in the morning, I’m a jerk. She helped me ground myself in the present and in reality. What I was feeling was NOT happening. I was safe in my bed and my abuser was nowhere near me. She told me I was going to be okay. Most of the time, all it takes is another person reassuring me that it’s not real and that I’m safe. Yeah the pain sucks but if I can stay in the present and not dissociate I do much better.
At 6:00AM I got out of bed. I was taking my sister to try for her license and we had to get to the courthouse to get in line. They only take the first ten people. There was only one other test taker waiting at the courthouse doors when we got there. The doors apparently don’t open until 7:00AM so the line starts outside. However, once we got inside we found out that there must have been an unlocked door somewhere or the 6 people in the hallway had stayed the night lol. At 8:00AM they started actually giving the tests (sounds drawn out doesn’t it lol). By about 8:30 it was all over. Unfortunately my sister didn’t pass. I told her that a lot of people don’t pass the first time and we can always try again. She cheered up later when I shot a video of her making her cats dance to Britney Spears.
The same day I was going hiking with one of my very best friends! Funny enough, I don’t think we’d ever hung out just the two of us before just a few days ago. I was nervous. I’m not the healthiest person. I used to be a lot healthier and I loved hiking. I could hike all day, especially if I got to rock climb. :) Sometime during my junior year of college I got some sort of mysterious illness. Doctors still don’t understand it or know what’s wrong but it made me gain 70 pounds in about three months with no diet or activity level change. I got arthritis in all my joints, had horrible trouble concentrating, was fatigue ALL the time, developed pleurisy, and a bunch of other stuff. It was a mess. I’ve been getting mysteriously better though. The arthritis is minor, I’m not tired anymore, my head is clearer, and without really changing my eating or activity level I’ve lost (as of this morning) 11 pounds!!! Still, I was nervous about hiking. My friend is in shape and she’s in her element in nature. I’m a slow hiker so I was afraid I’d slow her down to the point of utter boredom. I did much better than I thought I would though. Ten pounds really make a difference when it comes to hiking. :) I was also afraid I’d do something dangerous and irrational. We were alone and I’d never been in a situation with this friend when I lost all rationality and fell into a panic. I did get too close to some cliff edges and crossed some dangerous places. My friend sounded scared when I did these things and that confused me a little. I don’t know why but when friends show concern for my safety I get confused. It makes logical sense but when I’m irrational I just stop and wonder “Why do you care so much?” I’m also bad for getting a little freaked out and running off. We got to a point on the trail where the path branch left and right. My friend decided to walk a little ways down the left side to see what was down there. She turned her back and I bolted. It didn’t feel like I moved that fast but when I heard her yelling for me I was surprised at how far away I was. Then something interesting happened. My rationality returned and I walked back to her. I don’t know, the fear left just as suddenly as it had come. She didn’t seem to notice what had happened and I’d never felt safe again so quickly after getting scared. I decided not to say anything about. I didn’t want to freak her out. We continued down the trail and after a while found a little beach and dipped our feet in the river. Now, some background information. I’m very self conscious. I hadn’t really thought about it before yesterday, but since I was raped I’ve been super self conscious about showing any skin whatsoever, even my feet. I wear T-shirts every day and pants. I never wear shorts, even in the summer. I never show my legs. Something about it makes me feel vulnerable to being hurt again. I guess my logic was that if I cover up it will be harder for anyone to hurt me again. Wearing more clothes did have an impact when my abuser did attack me. Pants are harder to remove than shorts (forgive my bluntness). There was no way that I could take off my shoes and socks and roll up my jeans to walk into the water with someone I didn’t completely trust and feel safe with. There’s not a lot of people I feel totally safe with and as much as I wanted to step into the water on past hiking trips I couldn’t bring myself to reach that vulnerability with friends before. So it was a big moment for me. :) It felt really healing because I could step out and trust that I was completely safe.
On the way back a HUGE downpour caught us. That sounds like it would be a horrible thing but I LOVED IT!!! I love the rain and getting caught in thunderstorms. God feels so close when I’m standing in a storm. This may sound weird but when the wind is blowing ice cold rain into my face and the sky cracks open with thunder God’s love for me feels obvious. I can see it so clearly, even if I can’t see the physical trail in front of me lol. It feels like God is holding me tightly and telling me how much He loves me. He feels so close, like I could reach out and touch Him. When I’m caught in a storm I can’t keep the smile off my face :) Before we got to the car it started hailing. The hail wasn’t big and I, again, thought it was awesome. I didn’t think it hurt; it was just really cold lol. I don’t think my friend was as thrilled as I was lol. We completely soaked the two front seats of my car, which was awesome I mean how many times can you be completely soaked and jump into a completely dry car seat?
It was a day mixed with both amazingness and awful PTSD symptoms. On the way back to campus I freaked more than once because I thought I saw my brother’s vehicle. The are SO MANY vehicles that look JUST LIKE my brother’s. It’s unnerving. His car hadn’t been at my grandparents, which meant he was out and about. I was trying to both hide my fear from my friend and not hide it. I’m trying this new thing where I don’t hide so much from my friends, but old habits are hard to break and the belief that I’ll freak out my friends is still strong. The day ended with a dance party in a teeny tiny lobby and a creepy Dr. Who episode with empty children. Things never get boring lol.
This is Simply Life by Faith
-Jerelle
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Determined
I just wanted to come on here and say that I'm still determined. I've been struggling with PTSD and PTSD symptoms since my senior year of high school. I got a short break from it my senior year of college but now it seems to have come back in full force. But I'm not crushed by that. It feels absolutely horrible that I reached a point where I wasn't afraid for an entire day and now I can't go an hour without reexperiencing something horrible my brother did to me (I'm so glad I'm good at hiding this crap in daily life). But I've had a taste of what life is like without PTSD, without anxiety or fear that I'll be hurt again. It's so good it's beyond words. Before, I had no evidence that life without trauma or reexperiencing trauma was possible. I didn't know life without it. I had no idea what that looked or felt like. Now I know and it's made my resolve to heal even stronger. I know it's possible and attainable now. It's not just some far off wish or hope. It's a reality that can be reached. I'm not going to give up. I can't give up because it's either heal or die slowly. If I wasn't trying to heal I'd be trying to drown out the pain through any means possible. That means I'd be drinking, driving way too fast, taking huge risks, cutting, partying, taking a baseball bat to my brother's car, punching holes in walls even if I bloodied my fists, and doing anything stupid I could think of because as bad as it sounds physical pain and adrenaline distract me from the pain inside. I don't want to try to drown out the pain because in the long run it only hurts me more and it hurts the people who love me, though right now I really can't see why or how anyone could ever love me. When anxiety and pain take over me, I can't see things as they are. Most of my thoughts are irrational and I can't see the truth even when it's spoken to me plainly. Right now I'm reexperiencing something. I honestly don't go a day or even half a day without reexperiencing something. Right now all I feel is disgusting and dirty and worthless. It's hard not to feel this way when I can feel the past happening all over again. In reality I know I'm sitting in my friend's dorm room, but at the same time I'm hallucinating and feeling pain and hands holding me down or hitting me in the head because I made a crazy bid for freedom. It really sucks and there's nothing I can do to make it go away. However, I trust God in this. I know he has a plan and he's healing me. I don't understand everything or how I can be healed but I trust God and I KNOW he can and will heal me. If he wasn't going to do something amazing with my past and heal me then why did he stop me from taking my own life four years ago? There must be a reason I'm alive and I'm fighting for that purpose. I refuse to give up.
-Jerelle
-Jerelle
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Opening Up
Bleh, I’m sick and I have so much to write about. Let’s be realistic. I’m not going to be able to write about all the things I do or even all the things I plan to write about. That’s life. So I’m just going to write about what I can write about. What’s the biggest thing that has been going on in my life lately? Well, it hasn’t been pleasant. It’s been horrible, interesting, enlightening, and painful. In order for all of this to make sense, though, I have to go back and explain something amazing that happened several days ago. I had gone camping with some of my friends, which is an interesting story in itself. After we packed up and went our separate ways I was hit with a horribly familiar feeling. I couldn’t quite place it because it had been so long since I’d felt it. I was feeling anxiety, a lot of anxiety. My heart and thoughts were racing. My limbs and gut went numb and I drove like a maniac. I didn’t understand what was happening or why I felt the way I did. It was like the few days before then (when I started to have body memories again) had piled up in me and I reached breaking point. I felt isolated and I hurt so bad. I tried to tough it out. I was on the road to my house, so close to my house that I could almost see it. Then I saw him. I saw my abuser’s car as it passed me going the opposite direction. I fell to pieces. I debated a whole lot about what to do. I didn’t feel safe at all. The anxiety was like a horrible countdown clock threatening imminent danger. My thoughts were irrational. Somehow the huge latch Dad put on the door for me looked like a twig and I was sure that it wouldn’t stop my abuser from getting inside. He once took apart a doorknob to get to me. The friend I normally went to for help was really sick that day. I didn’t want to bother her. I knew she cared, but she felt so bad that helping me, no matter how much she wanted to help, would make her feel worse. I had been writing and thinking about all the bad habits and patterns that I had been breaking as I healed. Not asking for help and suffering alone is one of those bad patterns. I decided to take a chance and trust. I texted another good friend of mine. I asked her to pray for me because I was really struggling. She texted back and I opened up to her. I let her know what was bothering me and how I was feeling. Actually, before I started telling her, I hadn’t realized that I was afraid. Truth be told I was terrified. She invited me to her house. She told me she wanted to help and that she wanted me to be safe. It took a lot of convincing on her part. I just find it so hard to believe that I’m not a burden to other people. Trusting my friend and going to her house was one of the best things I did. I could have tried to deal with it alone, but I’ve seen the results of that time and time again and, trust me, it isn’t pretty.
I was super super nervous as I pulled into my friend’s driveway. I was shaking. You know that feeling when you feel like you’re an inch tall? That’s how I felt. I was embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, anxious, hopeful, and desperate. My friend met me at the door. I found it hard to look her in the eyes. It’s hard to do that after you bare your soul to someone, especially if it wasn’t in person. She hugged me. Some wounds are in a place so deep that words alone cannot heal them. This simple act was worth a million encouraging words to me. I was scared and anxious, just like I had been when I told my parents about the abuse. The difference, this time I was met with a reassuring hug. I didn’t have to have it all together; my friend just wanted me to be okay.
We talked . . . a lot. I was shocked by how willing she was to listen because a lot of people would rather distract me from the pain. I have to process it; running from it only postpones it. I found out how closed I’d become as I talked. I was so nervous, so afraid of rejection that I’m sure at some points my voice must have shook. It was hard to talk but I needed to talk about so many things. I talked about the abuse, PTSD, anxiety, how I cope, my parents, etc. Everything is so tied together. I realized that I couldn’t tear down every wall. I could only become vulnerable to a point. I wasn’t able to show how I really felt when I talked. Instead I talked about things in a joking tone and smiled and laughed a lot. I cope using humor a lot. It was either laugh or cry. Crying felt too vulnerable, so I laughed. This may sound strange, but it’s how I protect myself. Sometimes I can’t face everything at once and I have to take things one at a time. In this case I could handle sharing the content but not the emotion that goes with the content.
I decided to break a bad pattern that day and I’m so glad I did. I am so blessed to have opened up to my friend. Having more than just one person to go to when I’m really struggling is really comforting and it makes me feel more sane. When only one person tells you you’re not crazy it’s hard to believe it, especially when you do crazy things and feel like a lunatic. But when two people together agree and tell you you’re not crazy and you’re not bad and you’re not a burden . . . It’s easier to trust what they say and believe them.
This is Simply Life by Faith
-Jerelle
I was super super nervous as I pulled into my friend’s driveway. I was shaking. You know that feeling when you feel like you’re an inch tall? That’s how I felt. I was embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, anxious, hopeful, and desperate. My friend met me at the door. I found it hard to look her in the eyes. It’s hard to do that after you bare your soul to someone, especially if it wasn’t in person. She hugged me. Some wounds are in a place so deep that words alone cannot heal them. This simple act was worth a million encouraging words to me. I was scared and anxious, just like I had been when I told my parents about the abuse. The difference, this time I was met with a reassuring hug. I didn’t have to have it all together; my friend just wanted me to be okay.
We talked . . . a lot. I was shocked by how willing she was to listen because a lot of people would rather distract me from the pain. I have to process it; running from it only postpones it. I found out how closed I’d become as I talked. I was so nervous, so afraid of rejection that I’m sure at some points my voice must have shook. It was hard to talk but I needed to talk about so many things. I talked about the abuse, PTSD, anxiety, how I cope, my parents, etc. Everything is so tied together. I realized that I couldn’t tear down every wall. I could only become vulnerable to a point. I wasn’t able to show how I really felt when I talked. Instead I talked about things in a joking tone and smiled and laughed a lot. I cope using humor a lot. It was either laugh or cry. Crying felt too vulnerable, so I laughed. This may sound strange, but it’s how I protect myself. Sometimes I can’t face everything at once and I have to take things one at a time. In this case I could handle sharing the content but not the emotion that goes with the content.
I decided to break a bad pattern that day and I’m so glad I did. I am so blessed to have opened up to my friend. Having more than just one person to go to when I’m really struggling is really comforting and it makes me feel more sane. When only one person tells you you’re not crazy it’s hard to believe it, especially when you do crazy things and feel like a lunatic. But when two people together agree and tell you you’re not crazy and you’re not bad and you’re not a burden . . . It’s easier to trust what they say and believe them.
This is Simply Life by Faith
-Jerelle
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