Friday, January 13, 2012

I'm Not in Control

It's a strange thing how what happens to someone you love can affect you so deeply. Yesterday one of my very best friends in the world got into a horrible car wreck which totaled both cars involved, but did not hurt her. That in itself is a miracle. I would wreck all the most expensive cars in the world and have to pay for them just to have her safe and uninjured from that wreck. God is so good to us. The interesting thing is that I've been affected by this more than I thought I would. Of course when I first heard I was terrified. Once I learned that she was okay and unhurt I went into a sort of shock. Things like this take us by surprise. Life is so fragile and most of us never really give that a lot of thought. However, I've lost two friends in my life due to unexpected events. One passed away during open heart surgery, the other in a car wreck on the interstate. I can see in my mind the wreck turning out differently and my friend not coming out unharmed and it terrifies me. We think that stuff like that will never happen to us or the people we love but I know from my life that it does happen and when we least expect it.

All yesterday I was restless. I couldn't go back to sleep after hearing what happened. I kept my phone with me at all times waiting for when my friend would call after school. I couldn't play the video game I've been playing lately: Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit. I didn't think I could handle it. There are way too many wrecks and sirens in that game. I wouldn't have been able to play without thinking of my friend every time I saw a wreck or wrecked my car or heard sirens. I paced a lot at work and worried. At the first opportunity I had I called my friend and didn't get off the phone with her until she went to bed. When I hung up I started crying. I was scared that I almost lost her; I was terrified. I felt so helpless in the face of uncertainty. I wanted to protect the people I love but at the same time I knew so deeply that there was nothing I could do. No amount of my protection can keep those I love from harm. I guess this is how parents feel with their children. I guess that's why they're so protective and have so many rules and worries. When I finally pulled myself together I got ready for bed myself, but when I was finally in bed I started talking to God and asking Him to keep my friend safe and thanking Him for protecting her during that wreck. I started crying again.

When I finally drifted off to sleep I had nightmares of my friends and me being in danger. I had dreams with fear and pain and danger and death. I had one dream that I had died many years ago at age 20 and my mother had cloned me and I came back into life as a baby all over again and way telling my friends about it, now at age 22. I know that sounds bizarre. In the same dream a friend and I were traveling somewhere by plane. So many scary things happened in that particular dream. I remember being seated in a seat that faced my friend at the back of the plane, but was several rows away. I remember the plane starting to go down the runway and noticing that my friend's face was behind glass. The plane had a back window for some reason, but my friend was behind the window, outside of the plane. I panicked and yelled out to her but she pulled up the window and somehow pulled a roof over her head, a lot like you would for a convertible car. In a matter of seconds she was safe and sound inside the plane, ready for take off. I was relieved but then the look on her face changed to fear and I noticed that our plane was lifting into the sky, but unsteadily. The cabin rocked and shook and the plane kept tipping backward. Apparently our pilot was trying to get through the unsteadiness by shooting the plane almost vertical into the sky. Shortly we were high in the sky. I had a window seat and outside the window was the ocean for as far as I could see. I started to relax. The plane had steadied, we were horizontal again and I started to think we were going to be okay. Then it happened. The engines suddenly died and the plane dropped out of the sky. Looking out my window I could see the ocean getting closer and closer and inside I was willing for the engines to restart, but they didn't. The ocean was speeding towards us. I was thinking desperately "we're going to be okay, the engines will turn back on before we hit, just like on tv." I was wrong. Just before we hit I passed out. When I came to, the plane was upside down and I could see water. I was still strapped in my seat, which had somehow turned around to face the front of the plane. I turned my head and looked for my friend in the back of the plane and I yelled for her. She was unharmed but scared. Everyone was scared and shaky but afraid to move. Then I heard sirens. I unhooked my seat belt and landed on what felt and looked like a giant air mattress. It was floating on water inside the plane and ran the entire length of the plane. Other people followed my example but when they tried to move on the air mattress thing water would splash everywhere, especially in the back where my friend was. I yelled for their attention and told them to stop moving, that it could do more harm than good and only a small amount of people should move at a time. I made my way to the back of the plane where my friend was but when I got there she was not in her seat, I looked down where the air mattress ended and I saw that she was underwater. I panicked and dived in after her. I pulled her up to safety. She was okay but shaken. I told her it was going to be okay. Then I passed out again. When I came to again rescue workers were pulling me and my friend out of a rescue truck and my mom was there smiling. I woke up soon after that.

This dream was insane. I had several crazy, scary dreams like this last night. I kept waking up and realizing I and my friends were safe and then falling back asleep to dream some new horrible catastrophe. I never have dreams like these. Usually when I have nightmares they're about abuse. I have dreams that I'm running away from my abuser or that he's caught me again and is hurting me. I never have dreams about plane crashes and people trying to hurt my friends. I guess this was my mind's way of trying to work through all my fears and feelings from yesterday.

I guess my conclusion is that we're usually under this crazy illusion that we're in control. That we can protect ourselves and the ones we love from all harm. However, when something unexpected and scary happens we're faced with the fact that we're not in control and bad things can happen at any time unannounced. I guess that's where faith comes in. Remember the old song "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands"? Well God does have the whole world in His hands, and we have to trust Him with the world, including the lives of the ones we love. We can't live in fear, but we can live in faith. And this is where I remember that I prayed for faith. Its crazy sometimes how God works. When we pray for faith He's very likely to put us in situations that require we exercise our faith. He gives us opportunities for our faith to grow. He doesn't just hand us a gift wrapped package of faith, though that would be nice lol. But hey, we're talking about the God and Master of the universe. He created the universe, how could we not trust Him with it? He created every last grain of sand and every last cell of our bodies. And He loves us more than we can possibly imagine. So what's keeping us from trusting Him? Its a deep question.

Simplylifebyfaith

-J

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Back Again

Wow, so it's been a very long time since I posted. Pretty sure I said that last time I posted as well lol. I knew when I started this blog that I wouldn't be any sort of consistent with posting because that just seems to be against my personality and life. I really admire the people that can stick to a blog and post regularly over the months and years, I'm just not one of them lol.

Anyway, what's been going on in my life right now? Well, a lot and not a lot. I'm currently averaging only 8 hours of work a week at my job. That's kinda good and kinda bad. I need the hours because I need the money for rent and essentials. But, on the other hand, there's a lot of blaming and negativity and backstabbing and unfairness that goes on at work, so I'm more emotionally healthy when I'm not at work. I guess it's back to looking for employment *sign*

My health, well, it's taken another turn for the worse. This time its my knees that are affected. I'm seeing several doctors and having several tests done but the only concrete explanation I have right now is that my knee caps, for some unknown reason, have shifted slightly and are no longer in the right positions. That causes them to rub the cartilage the wrong way and wear away valuable cushioning. I'm glad the doctor found that early.

When it comes to my healing from abuse I've made huge strides. God has used several different people to show me His love and nurturing and protection. I've healed so much since my last several posts. I'm in a much healthier place and can now catch glimpses of how God sees me. Those glimpses are wonderful and so different from the lies I've believed my whole life. I don't see them all the time, but I hope someday soon I won't struggle to know the truth and accept it. Some of the things I glimpse during these times is that I'm loved. That God loves me and other people love me. That was such a hard concept to grasp before and it's still not easy for me to understand. I also see that I deserve protection. This one has been a tough one because I went through abuse believing it was my fault and therefore I deserved what I got. Its taken some hard work and convincing by friends that me deserving abuse is far far far from the truth. One of the best illustrations a friend gave me was asking me to think about my future children. Now, if someone hurt my children, would they deserve it. If their situation was exactly as mine had been, would they deserve it? NO! One huge lie that I've been fighting and losing against for many years is the lie that I'm dirty. I believed when I was little that since my abuser touched me in places he wasn't supposed to that it made me dirty. I thought I was contaminated and ruined. Now sometimes I can see what my friends keep telling me is true, that I'm clean. The abuse didn't make me dirty, it hurt me, but it didn't change who I am. Along with this truth I've come to catch glimpses of another truth, that I'm innocent. I've felt guilty for being abused for years. I know that statement may be hard to understand, but I felt wrong and bad about what my abuser was doing to me. I felt that it must be my fault that it was happening. There's a lot of psychology that goes into such a misattribution of guilt and fault. I was young and couldn't take care of myself. My abuser was sometimes my babysitter and, anyway, he was always around, a constant presence in my life. My mind couldn't take in that I couldn't escape the abuse. Can you imagine a child's mind absorbing the fact that nothing they can do can keep them from being molested and raped and hit? Therefore I came up with the belief that I was causing the abuse and must have somehow wanted it. I never wanted it. I was terrified when it was happening. I was confused and hurt. I didn't know what to do and there was nothing I could do. Even this explanation is helping me see the truth more clearly that I am innocent. My abuser did something wrong to me; I didn't do anything wrong. I was a victim, not a participant.

I'm opening up more now and trusting and believing the truth. It's that wonderful part of healing when, after you're about to give up hope that you'll ever be okay again, you suddenly see the light and a ton a progress comes so fast that it makes you dizzy. I can see so much more clearly now. I can go back and read messages and comments from years ago (changed to timeline profile on facebook lol) and they make so much more sense. I can read them and see that the person who wrote it really did care and wasn't just being nice. I could honestly see the love and concern where I was numb and couldn't see anything but a sense of obligation and doing the right thing before. This is truly awesome!!! There were people there for me when I didn't even realize anyone cared.

I don't how often I'll be posting, but I just wanted to start up again. I love keeping a blog, I'm just not very good at keeping it up to date when life gets hard and it feels like my PTSD takes over. Thanks for reading :)

Simply Life by Faith

-J