Not a Permanent Crazy

I haven't gone to bed yet. Late nights tend to be a thing with me when I'm not well. I guess this is what I'll call it, "not well." I've been in my right mind and I've been lost in the darkness of memories, depression, and numbness. This feeling is temporary. Satan tries and tries to convince me that it's permanent, but Jesus always carries me through the dark places back to the light. I'm so convinced of the darkness when I'm in it. When I am myself again, when I can see clearly again, I'm always amazed at how I believed lies and felt so alone. So I'm going to walk on water, walk by faith. It must take a lot of faith for a physically blind person to walk. I think, in some way, I can understand that. I'm blind right now, emotionally/psychologically. I can't see the truth that I stand on, but I still trust it. I choose it. If Peter had been blind when Jesus called him out on the water, by faith Peter would still have walked on water. He might have even walked further than he did because, being blind, he wouldn't have taken his eyes off Jesus to look at the waves. Maybe Jesus is teaching me to not put my trust in understanding the truth, but to put my trust in the One who is the Truth. When I was younger I coped with things by trying to always understand them. I wasn't always successful, but I was adamant about finding patterns and meanings in things. Maybe that's part of the trying to understand how the people who are supposed to protect you hurt you instead. I don't know. These days I tend to trust Jesus more and my understanding less. It's like the verse finally got from my head to my heart: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I don't know exactly where that verse is in the Bible. I think it's in Proverbs. Sometimes I'm delighted to find that scripture is in my heart before it's in my head. I don't always know where to locate the verses, but I know it's in the Bible and I can always look it up and there it is, word for word what was in my heart. This happened once in the middle of a Wednesday night church service. I went to the church across the road from my house for Wednesday nights. Our youth leader was teaching and he had all us teenagers in the front row of the church instead of our usual back pew. He was talking about a verse of scripture that showed us that Jesus turns our bad circumstances into good things. I was a shy kid, I rarely ever spoke in front of a lot of people. He wanted someone to speak up and tell him the verse. I knew exactly what he was talking about. I had the words of the verse in my heart. Then something interesting happened. I raised my hand. He pointed to me, and I said "Romans 8:28!" I hadn't memorized that verse beforehand. It must have been Jesus who put the knowledge of book, chapter, and verse in my head. Ever since then, He has revealed to me and expanded what that verse means. It has become my life verse. It goes like this: "For we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." It means that He blesses me with good things, and He causes the bad that happens in my life to turn around and bless me as well. He turns tragedy into victory and pain into joy. I can't lose! The good blesses me and the bad becomes good that blesses me! Isn't God amazing? He blows my mind all the time and I just can't help but fall more and more in love with Him the longer I walk with Him. If anyone reading this is interested in knowing the God I know, please ask me about Him. I'd love to tell you more. Thanks for reading :)