The Good and the Bad

(trigger and graphic warning)

Yesterday was a crazy day. It started at 4:00AM. I woke up fighting my blanket. I was experiencing hallucinations (I referred to these as body memories in an earlier post). My hallucinations are usually not the visual kind. I hallucinate touch. I feel things that aren’t happening. This particular morning the hallucinations were so strong that they woke me up. It was much more vivid than normal and I had been sleeping. I was vulnerable and when I woke up I was scared to death. There were a few times when I woke up as a child and my brother was abusing me. Imagine how hard it is to fall asleep when you know he can strip you twice as fast if he starts while you’re asleep, then have you already pinned before you know where you are. This morning was much the same except he wasn’t there. I could feel him but he wasn’t actually there. It’s confusing when you feel a heavy weight on top of you but you can still sit up and walk around. It was HORRIBLE. Being sexually abused was bad enough when it was actually happening. Why do I have to keep reexperiencing it?! It’s like the abuse never ended and it’s just continuing to this day. It’s like he’s figured out how to send a phantom version of himself to keep abusing me.
Well, I never got back to sleep. After a while, when I couldn’t handle it alone anymore because it was driving me crazy, I texted a friend. Yeah, I texted a friend at 4-something in the morning, I’m a jerk. She helped me ground myself in the present and in reality. What I was feeling was NOT happening. I was safe in my bed and my abuser was nowhere near me. She told me I was going to be okay. Most of the time, all it takes is another person reassuring me that it’s not real and that I’m safe. Yeah the pain sucks but if I can stay in the present and not dissociate I do much better.
At 6:00AM I got out of bed. I was taking my sister to try for her license and we had to get to the courthouse to get in line. They only take the first ten people. There was only one other test taker waiting at the courthouse doors when we got there. The doors apparently don’t open until 7:00AM so the line starts outside. However, once we got inside we found out that there must have been an unlocked door somewhere or the 6 people in the hallway had stayed the night lol. At 8:00AM they started actually giving the tests (sounds drawn out doesn’t it lol). By about 8:30 it was all over. Unfortunately my sister didn’t pass. I told her that a lot of people don’t pass the first time and we can always try again. She cheered up later when I shot a video of her making her cats dance to Britney Spears.
The same day I was going hiking with one of my very best friends! Funny enough, I don’t think we’d ever hung out just the two of us before just a few days ago. I was nervous. I’m not the healthiest person. I used to be a lot healthier and I loved hiking. I could hike all day, especially if I got to rock climb. :) Sometime during my junior year of college I got some sort of mysterious illness. Doctors still don’t understand it or know what’s wrong but it made me gain 70 pounds in about three months with no diet or activity level change. I got arthritis in all my joints, had horrible trouble concentrating, was fatigue ALL the time, developed pleurisy, and a bunch of other stuff. It was a mess. I’ve been getting mysteriously better though. The arthritis is minor, I’m not tired anymore, my head is clearer, and without really changing my eating or activity level I’ve lost (as of this morning) 11 pounds!!! Still, I was nervous about hiking. My friend is in shape and she’s in her element in nature. I’m a slow hiker so I was afraid I’d slow her down to the point of utter boredom. I did much better than I thought I would though. Ten pounds really make a difference when it comes to hiking. :) I was also afraid I’d do something dangerous and irrational. We were alone and I’d never been in a situation with this friend when I lost all rationality and fell into a panic. I did get too close to some cliff edges and crossed some dangerous places. My friend sounded scared when I did these things and that confused me a little. I don’t know why but when friends show concern for my safety I get confused. It makes logical sense but when I’m irrational I just stop and wonder “Why do you care so much?” I’m also bad for getting a little freaked out and running off. We got to a point on the trail where the path branch left and right. My friend decided to walk a little ways down the left side to see what was down there. She turned her back and I bolted. It didn’t feel like I moved that fast but when I heard her yelling for me I was surprised at how far away I was. Then something interesting happened. My rationality returned and I walked back to her. I don’t know, the fear left just as suddenly as it had come. She didn’t seem to notice what had happened and I’d never felt safe again so quickly after getting scared. I decided not to say anything about. I didn’t want to freak her out. We continued down the trail and after a while found a little beach and dipped our feet in the river. Now, some background information. I’m very self conscious. I hadn’t really thought about it before yesterday, but since I was raped I’ve been super self conscious about showing any skin whatsoever, even my feet. I wear T-shirts every day and pants. I never wear shorts, even in the summer. I never show my legs. Something about it makes me feel vulnerable to being hurt again. I guess my logic was that if I cover up it will be harder for anyone to hurt me again. Wearing more clothes did have an impact when my abuser did attack me. Pants are harder to remove than shorts (forgive my bluntness). There was no way that I could take off my shoes and socks and roll up my jeans to walk into the water with someone I didn’t completely trust and feel safe with. There’s not a lot of people I feel totally safe with and as much as I wanted to step into the water on past hiking trips I couldn’t bring myself to reach that vulnerability with friends before. So it was a big moment for me. :) It felt really healing because I could step out and trust that I was completely safe.
On the way back a HUGE downpour caught us. That sounds like it would be a horrible thing but I LOVED IT!!! I love the rain and getting caught in thunderstorms. God feels so close when I’m standing in a storm. This may sound weird but when the wind is blowing ice cold rain into my face and the sky cracks open with thunder God’s love for me feels obvious. I can see it so clearly, even if I can’t see the physical trail in front of me lol. It feels like God is holding me tightly and telling me how much He loves me. He feels so close, like I could reach out and touch Him. When I’m caught in a storm I can’t keep the smile off my face :) Before we got to the car it started hailing. The hail wasn’t big and I, again, thought it was awesome. I didn’t think it hurt; it was just really cold lol. I don’t think my friend was as thrilled as I was lol. We completely soaked the two front seats of my car, which was awesome I mean how many times can you be completely soaked and jump into a completely dry car seat?
It was a day mixed with both amazingness and awful PTSD symptoms. On the way back to campus I freaked more than once because I thought I saw my brother’s vehicle. The are SO MANY vehicles that look JUST LIKE my brother’s. It’s unnerving. His car hadn’t been at my grandparents, which meant he was out and about. I was trying to both hide my fear from my friend and not hide it. I’m trying this new thing where I don’t hide so much from my friends, but old habits are hard to break and the belief that I’ll freak out my friends is still strong. The day ended with a dance party in a teeny tiny lobby and a creepy Dr. Who episode with empty children. Things never get boring lol.

This is Simply Life by Faith

-Jerelle

Though Sorrow May Last for the Night His Joy Comes With the Morning

3-14-11

            Can it be possible that the sun is rising on my dark night of the soul? The night has been so long that’s it’s hard to imagine life without it. I remember the nights when I cried myself to sleep, praying and asking God when it would be okay again. When was I going to not hurt anymore. When could I lie down in my bed and not think about his hands covering my mouth so I couldn’t scream. Lying in bed triggered a lot of painful and unsafe feelings in me because I was often abused in a bed. I hated myself, I hated by body, I hated how weak and vulnerable I felt. Everything is so different now. I speak with confidence, well, more confidence than I’ve had most of my life. I like myself. I take care of my body, eating what’s good for me and exercising. Before, I felt that I didn’t deserve what was good for me. Now I gladly take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If something feels too threatening to me or upsets me, bringing up memories of the abuse, I say no. I assert my boundaries and I don’t let anyone walk all over me anymore. If I don’t feel up to smiling and acting civil towards my brother at family get togethers I leave. I don’t put up with it anymore. I will not live with my head down anymore. I am not a door mat. I have more self respect now. I used to wear a mask so often that many in the family didn’t know it was fake. I operated according to a fake personality. I was an introvert, quiet, didn’t step on people’s toes, didn’t get in the way, didn’t ruffle feathers, and sacrificed myself for the convenience of others. In reality, I’m equally introverted and extraverted. I can be quiet and I can be loud. I care deeply about people but now I won’t enslave myself to them, I’ll help as much as I can, but I won’t be an enabler. I will not be an emotional punching bag anymore. I’ll ruffle feathers and step on toes if I have to and I believe I’m worth enough to get in the way sometimes. I stand up for myself because I’m worth fighting for. I will not apologize for being who I truly am. I’ve hid my true self far too long and hiding your true self is damaging. If my abuser can walk around with his head held high why can’t I? I can and I will. I didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t my fault. I refuse to continue carrying my brother’s shame. The shame belongs to him, not me. I drop it today and God forbid I pick it back up.

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Faith_inpresentdarkness

Making Progress

So I've had a pretty awesome day today. Events were pretty normal, well, as normal as finals week gets lol. This changed perspective on life has had far reaching effects. I can see everything so differently. I've broken out of my cage of pain and shame and it feels amazing!!! It feels so good to smile, really genuinely smile and laugh and not feel uncomfortable. I find myself happy for no apparent reason and thinking about all the good things in life. My heart bursts with love and thanks for what God has done in me. I'm also more active and healthy. With this new perspective and resolve I see myself as a beautiful creation of God who deserves to be healthy. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and each day I find myself wanting more and more to take care of this temple. I've been spontaneous and joined my friends on trips to the library, walmart, the cafeteria, around campus (plenty of socializing and walking). I'm up and moving around so much more than I was just a few days ago. I also have an appetite again. I've gone for about a year without one. On a good day I might have gotten hungry for one meal. Now, I'm hungry when I'm supposed to be. Eating is not a chore anymore. I no longer dread meal times. I'm also eating healthier. Today I surprised myself by choosing not only healthy portions, but healthy food options in the cafe today. My plate for supper was a full half fruits and veggies! Another quarter was rice w/ carrot and pineapple (interesting mix, I know lol they try). The last quarter was sesame seed chicken. I'm stoked about this! I'm full of so much joy and hope for the future. It is just so amazing living without the shame of abuse constantly overshadowing me. I said it on this blog, it's out there now and no one so far has reacted with disgust towards me. I feel so empowered to live my life to the fullest I possibly can on this earth. This is such a stunning change in me I'm surprised I'm not outwardly glowing. The Bible talks about God filling your cup to overflowing. That's how I feel right now. I'm full of fierce joy, triumph, love, peace, and hope. My middle name is a hawaiian name, by doing some research a long time ago I found out that it means "blessed." Right now I truly feel blessed. I am literally so full of joy that I'm about to cry. The feeling is so wonderful and I wondered during the grueling years of suffering from abuse and then the hard years of healing from the abuse if I would ever feel this way again. God's timing is perfect. If I could have bypassed on the hard work of trying to heal and jumped straight to this feeling I wouldn't have done it. Now I have the joy and peace plus the understanding, strength, and courage it takes to survive and actively heal from sexual abuse and rape.

I know it's an awkward topic and I said it wouldn't be my only topic on this blog. I want to assure anyone reading this blog that I'm not afraid to talk about it and I'm open to questions. If someone reading this has a similar story or related story, or just needs someone to listen, I am more than happy to be there. I am only a comment or facebook message away. Even if your past has no trauma in it and you are just curious or want to talk, I'm completely open to it. The defeat of shame in my life has broken the chains that have held me in silence for so long. Now, thanks to God, I'm a force to be reckoned with. My strength and faith come from God. I know this because I could not have pulled myself out of the pit I was in. I am a classic case of divine intervention, and I'm proud of it!

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May you be blessed today

-Faith_inpresentdarkness