Back Again

Wow, so it's been a very long time since I posted. Pretty sure I said that last time I posted as well lol. I knew when I started this blog that I wouldn't be any sort of consistent with posting because that just seems to be against my personality and life. I really admire the people that can stick to a blog and post regularly over the months and years, I'm just not one of them lol.

Anyway, what's been going on in my life right now? Well, a lot and not a lot. I'm currently averaging only 8 hours of work a week at my job. That's kinda good and kinda bad. I need the hours because I need the money for rent and essentials. But, on the other hand, there's a lot of blaming and negativity and backstabbing and unfairness that goes on at work, so I'm more emotionally healthy when I'm not at work. I guess it's back to looking for employment *sign*

My health, well, it's taken another turn for the worse. This time its my knees that are affected. I'm seeing several doctors and having several tests done but the only concrete explanation I have right now is that my knee caps, for some unknown reason, have shifted slightly and are no longer in the right positions. That causes them to rub the cartilage the wrong way and wear away valuable cushioning. I'm glad the doctor found that early.

When it comes to my healing from abuse I've made huge strides. God has used several different people to show me His love and nurturing and protection. I've healed so much since my last several posts. I'm in a much healthier place and can now catch glimpses of how God sees me. Those glimpses are wonderful and so different from the lies I've believed my whole life. I don't see them all the time, but I hope someday soon I won't struggle to know the truth and accept it. Some of the things I glimpse during these times is that I'm loved. That God loves me and other people love me. That was such a hard concept to grasp before and it's still not easy for me to understand. I also see that I deserve protection. This one has been a tough one because I went through abuse believing it was my fault and therefore I deserved what I got. Its taken some hard work and convincing by friends that me deserving abuse is far far far from the truth. One of the best illustrations a friend gave me was asking me to think about my future children. Now, if someone hurt my children, would they deserve it. If their situation was exactly as mine had been, would they deserve it? NO! One huge lie that I've been fighting and losing against for many years is the lie that I'm dirty. I believed when I was little that since my abuser touched me in places he wasn't supposed to that it made me dirty. I thought I was contaminated and ruined. Now sometimes I can see what my friends keep telling me is true, that I'm clean. The abuse didn't make me dirty, it hurt me, but it didn't change who I am. Along with this truth I've come to catch glimpses of another truth, that I'm innocent. I've felt guilty for being abused for years. I know that statement may be hard to understand, but I felt wrong and bad about what my abuser was doing to me. I felt that it must be my fault that it was happening. There's a lot of psychology that goes into such a misattribution of guilt and fault. I was young and couldn't take care of myself. My abuser was sometimes my babysitter and, anyway, he was always around, a constant presence in my life. My mind couldn't take in that I couldn't escape the abuse. Can you imagine a child's mind absorbing the fact that nothing they can do can keep them from being molested and raped and hit? Therefore I came up with the belief that I was causing the abuse and must have somehow wanted it. I never wanted it. I was terrified when it was happening. I was confused and hurt. I didn't know what to do and there was nothing I could do. Even this explanation is helping me see the truth more clearly that I am innocent. My abuser did something wrong to me; I didn't do anything wrong. I was a victim, not a participant.

I'm opening up more now and trusting and believing the truth. It's that wonderful part of healing when, after you're about to give up hope that you'll ever be okay again, you suddenly see the light and a ton a progress comes so fast that it makes you dizzy. I can see so much more clearly now. I can go back and read messages and comments from years ago (changed to timeline profile on facebook lol) and they make so much more sense. I can read them and see that the person who wrote it really did care and wasn't just being nice. I could honestly see the love and concern where I was numb and couldn't see anything but a sense of obligation and doing the right thing before. This is truly awesome!!! There were people there for me when I didn't even realize anyone cared.

I don't how often I'll be posting, but I just wanted to start up again. I love keeping a blog, I'm just not very good at keeping it up to date when life gets hard and it feels like my PTSD takes over. Thanks for reading :)

Simply Life by Faith

-J

Exhausted

I cried the night of the 4th of July, I woke up yesterday and cried, I cried again that evening. Last night I cried for hours before falling to sleep. I got maybe three hours of sleep because I cried so much. Today I woke up early and drove to Lexington to sign the lease on my apartment and pay the deposit money. I hung out at Joseph Beth Bookstore and the Mall with a friend and my sister before driving home. On the way home I relived being raped, while driving. It hurt physically and emotionally. When the reliving died away I became so exhausted from crying and lack of sleep that I almost fell asleep at the wheel. My sister drove to our hometown, but then had to go to work. Now I'm crashing in another friend's room b/c I don't really trust myself to drive home. I hurt, my eyes are swollen from crying last night, I don't feel safe, and I'm EXHAUSTED. That's really all I have to say. It's not really something you can put on your status for facebook.

-Jerelle

PTSD Relapse

I haven't posted in a long time. To be quite honest I'm not okay. I'm in very very familiar territory, but I'm not okay. It's an everyday, every hour thing. . . . My PTSD is back. It's back and it's as strong and horrible as ever. I've held off writing about it because it just hurts so much that acting out, numbing, or distracting myself is easier, no, it makes life liveable. PTSD is a psychological disorder that causes you to relive your trauma. For me, that's obviously rape and molestation. Sorry to be blunt but that's my reality. I relive it every day. I feel it, I hurt, I cry, I try to get away from it and I can't. You can't run away from yourself. There's no real person to fight off of you. The panic attacks, extreme anxiety, flashbacks, hallucinations, disassociations, numbness, they've all come back in full force, maybe stronger than before. Every day I feel like I'm going crazy. I forget to eat all day. I don't sleep until 3 in the morning. I stay out late. I can't concentrate enough even to read Harry Potter (rereading before the last movie). I'm afraid of my own shadow, constantly looking behind me. I'm scared to death all day. My stomach feels like it's trapped in a speeding car after swallowing a ball of ice. I'm a wreck. I used to be really good at pretending and acting like I'm okay so nobody notices I'm crazy, but I can't make myself pretend anymore. I'm sick of pretending. I just hurt so much I can't find words to describe it. I feel so pathetic and alone. I'm silently screaming all day. I want help, but it's so hard to ask for help, to reach out. I can't see things clearly. I can't see that anyone could possibly care about me. Because of this I try my hardest to not make myself a burden to others. I just feel so broken. I know God is putting me back together but I can't feel him. I know he's there and I'll never doubt that he's here with me and has everything under control. I just hurt and it feels like there's no end to this hurt. Sometimes I just want to disappear, not die, just disappear. I just want to be okay again.

-Jerelle

The Good and the Bad

(trigger and graphic warning)

Yesterday was a crazy day. It started at 4:00AM. I woke up fighting my blanket. I was experiencing hallucinations (I referred to these as body memories in an earlier post). My hallucinations are usually not the visual kind. I hallucinate touch. I feel things that aren’t happening. This particular morning the hallucinations were so strong that they woke me up. It was much more vivid than normal and I had been sleeping. I was vulnerable and when I woke up I was scared to death. There were a few times when I woke up as a child and my brother was abusing me. Imagine how hard it is to fall asleep when you know he can strip you twice as fast if he starts while you’re asleep, then have you already pinned before you know where you are. This morning was much the same except he wasn’t there. I could feel him but he wasn’t actually there. It’s confusing when you feel a heavy weight on top of you but you can still sit up and walk around. It was HORRIBLE. Being sexually abused was bad enough when it was actually happening. Why do I have to keep reexperiencing it?! It’s like the abuse never ended and it’s just continuing to this day. It’s like he’s figured out how to send a phantom version of himself to keep abusing me.
Well, I never got back to sleep. After a while, when I couldn’t handle it alone anymore because it was driving me crazy, I texted a friend. Yeah, I texted a friend at 4-something in the morning, I’m a jerk. She helped me ground myself in the present and in reality. What I was feeling was NOT happening. I was safe in my bed and my abuser was nowhere near me. She told me I was going to be okay. Most of the time, all it takes is another person reassuring me that it’s not real and that I’m safe. Yeah the pain sucks but if I can stay in the present and not dissociate I do much better.
At 6:00AM I got out of bed. I was taking my sister to try for her license and we had to get to the courthouse to get in line. They only take the first ten people. There was only one other test taker waiting at the courthouse doors when we got there. The doors apparently don’t open until 7:00AM so the line starts outside. However, once we got inside we found out that there must have been an unlocked door somewhere or the 6 people in the hallway had stayed the night lol. At 8:00AM they started actually giving the tests (sounds drawn out doesn’t it lol). By about 8:30 it was all over. Unfortunately my sister didn’t pass. I told her that a lot of people don’t pass the first time and we can always try again. She cheered up later when I shot a video of her making her cats dance to Britney Spears.
The same day I was going hiking with one of my very best friends! Funny enough, I don’t think we’d ever hung out just the two of us before just a few days ago. I was nervous. I’m not the healthiest person. I used to be a lot healthier and I loved hiking. I could hike all day, especially if I got to rock climb. :) Sometime during my junior year of college I got some sort of mysterious illness. Doctors still don’t understand it or know what’s wrong but it made me gain 70 pounds in about three months with no diet or activity level change. I got arthritis in all my joints, had horrible trouble concentrating, was fatigue ALL the time, developed pleurisy, and a bunch of other stuff. It was a mess. I’ve been getting mysteriously better though. The arthritis is minor, I’m not tired anymore, my head is clearer, and without really changing my eating or activity level I’ve lost (as of this morning) 11 pounds!!! Still, I was nervous about hiking. My friend is in shape and she’s in her element in nature. I’m a slow hiker so I was afraid I’d slow her down to the point of utter boredom. I did much better than I thought I would though. Ten pounds really make a difference when it comes to hiking. :) I was also afraid I’d do something dangerous and irrational. We were alone and I’d never been in a situation with this friend when I lost all rationality and fell into a panic. I did get too close to some cliff edges and crossed some dangerous places. My friend sounded scared when I did these things and that confused me a little. I don’t know why but when friends show concern for my safety I get confused. It makes logical sense but when I’m irrational I just stop and wonder “Why do you care so much?” I’m also bad for getting a little freaked out and running off. We got to a point on the trail where the path branch left and right. My friend decided to walk a little ways down the left side to see what was down there. She turned her back and I bolted. It didn’t feel like I moved that fast but when I heard her yelling for me I was surprised at how far away I was. Then something interesting happened. My rationality returned and I walked back to her. I don’t know, the fear left just as suddenly as it had come. She didn’t seem to notice what had happened and I’d never felt safe again so quickly after getting scared. I decided not to say anything about. I didn’t want to freak her out. We continued down the trail and after a while found a little beach and dipped our feet in the river. Now, some background information. I’m very self conscious. I hadn’t really thought about it before yesterday, but since I was raped I’ve been super self conscious about showing any skin whatsoever, even my feet. I wear T-shirts every day and pants. I never wear shorts, even in the summer. I never show my legs. Something about it makes me feel vulnerable to being hurt again. I guess my logic was that if I cover up it will be harder for anyone to hurt me again. Wearing more clothes did have an impact when my abuser did attack me. Pants are harder to remove than shorts (forgive my bluntness). There was no way that I could take off my shoes and socks and roll up my jeans to walk into the water with someone I didn’t completely trust and feel safe with. There’s not a lot of people I feel totally safe with and as much as I wanted to step into the water on past hiking trips I couldn’t bring myself to reach that vulnerability with friends before. So it was a big moment for me. :) It felt really healing because I could step out and trust that I was completely safe.
On the way back a HUGE downpour caught us. That sounds like it would be a horrible thing but I LOVED IT!!! I love the rain and getting caught in thunderstorms. God feels so close when I’m standing in a storm. This may sound weird but when the wind is blowing ice cold rain into my face and the sky cracks open with thunder God’s love for me feels obvious. I can see it so clearly, even if I can’t see the physical trail in front of me lol. It feels like God is holding me tightly and telling me how much He loves me. He feels so close, like I could reach out and touch Him. When I’m caught in a storm I can’t keep the smile off my face :) Before we got to the car it started hailing. The hail wasn’t big and I, again, thought it was awesome. I didn’t think it hurt; it was just really cold lol. I don’t think my friend was as thrilled as I was lol. We completely soaked the two front seats of my car, which was awesome I mean how many times can you be completely soaked and jump into a completely dry car seat?
It was a day mixed with both amazingness and awful PTSD symptoms. On the way back to campus I freaked more than once because I thought I saw my brother’s vehicle. The are SO MANY vehicles that look JUST LIKE my brother’s. It’s unnerving. His car hadn’t been at my grandparents, which meant he was out and about. I was trying to both hide my fear from my friend and not hide it. I’m trying this new thing where I don’t hide so much from my friends, but old habits are hard to break and the belief that I’ll freak out my friends is still strong. The day ended with a dance party in a teeny tiny lobby and a creepy Dr. Who episode with empty children. Things never get boring lol.

This is Simply Life by Faith

-Jerelle

Determined

I just wanted to come on here and say that I'm still determined. I've been struggling with PTSD and PTSD symptoms since my senior year of high school. I got a short break from it my senior year of college but now it seems to have come back in full force. But I'm not crushed by that. It feels absolutely horrible that I reached a point where I wasn't afraid for an entire day and now I can't go an hour without reexperiencing something horrible my brother did to me (I'm so glad I'm good at hiding this crap in daily life). But I've had a taste of what life is like without PTSD, without anxiety or fear that I'll be hurt again. It's so good it's beyond words. Before, I had no evidence that life without trauma or reexperiencing trauma was possible. I didn't know life without it. I had no idea what that looked or felt like. Now I know and it's made my resolve to heal even stronger. I know it's possible and attainable now. It's not just some far off wish or hope. It's a reality that can be reached. I'm not going to give up. I can't give up because it's either heal or die slowly. If I wasn't trying to heal I'd be trying to drown out the pain through any means possible. That means I'd be drinking, driving way too fast, taking huge risks, cutting, partying, taking a baseball bat to my brother's car, punching holes in walls even if I bloodied my fists, and doing anything stupid I could think of because as bad as it sounds physical pain and adrenaline distract me from the pain inside. I don't want to try to drown out the pain because in the long run it only hurts me more and it hurts the people who love me, though right now I really  can't see why or how anyone could ever love me. When anxiety and pain take over me, I can't see things as they are. Most of my thoughts are irrational and I can't see the truth even when it's spoken to me plainly. Right now I'm reexperiencing something. I honestly don't go a day or even half a day without reexperiencing something. Right now all I feel is disgusting and dirty and worthless. It's hard not to feel this way when I can feel the past happening all over again. In reality I know I'm sitting in my friend's dorm room, but at the same time I'm hallucinating and feeling pain and hands holding me down or hitting me in the head because I made a crazy bid for freedom. It really sucks and there's nothing I can do to make it go away. However, I trust God in this. I know he has a plan and he's healing me. I don't understand everything or how I can be healed but I trust God and I KNOW he can and will heal me. If he wasn't going to do something amazing with my past and heal me then why did he stop me from taking my own life four years ago? There must be a reason I'm alive and I'm fighting for that purpose. I refuse to give up.

-Jerelle

Opening Up

Bleh, I’m sick and I have so much to write about. Let’s be realistic. I’m not going to be able to write about all the things I do or even all the things I plan to write about. That’s life. So I’m just going to write about what I can write about. What’s the biggest thing that has been going on in my life lately? Well, it hasn’t been pleasant. It’s been horrible, interesting, enlightening, and painful. In order for all of this to make sense, though, I have to go back and explain something amazing that happened several days ago. I had gone camping with some of my friends, which is an interesting story in itself. After we packed up and went our separate ways I was hit with a horribly familiar feeling. I couldn’t quite place it because it had been so long since I’d felt it. I was feeling anxiety, a lot of anxiety. My heart and thoughts were racing. My limbs and gut went numb and I drove like a maniac. I didn’t understand what was happening or why I felt the way I did. It was like the few days before then (when I started to have body memories again) had piled up in me and I reached breaking point. I felt isolated and I hurt so bad. I tried to tough it out. I was on the road to my house, so close to my house that I could almost see it. Then I saw him. I saw my abuser’s car as it passed me going the opposite direction. I fell to pieces. I debated a whole lot about what to do. I didn’t feel safe at all. The anxiety was like a horrible countdown clock threatening imminent danger. My thoughts were irrational. Somehow the huge latch Dad put on the door for me looked like a twig and I was sure that it wouldn’t stop my abuser from getting inside. He once took apart a doorknob to get to me. The friend I normally went to for help was really sick that day. I didn’t want to bother her. I knew she cared, but she felt so bad that helping me, no matter how much she wanted to help, would make her feel worse. I had been writing and thinking about all the bad habits and patterns that I had been breaking as I healed. Not asking for help and suffering alone is one of those bad patterns. I decided to take a chance and trust. I texted another good friend of mine. I asked her to pray for me because I was really struggling. She texted back and I opened up to her. I let her know what was bothering me and how I was feeling. Actually, before I started telling her, I hadn’t realized that I was afraid. Truth be told I was terrified. She invited me to her house. She told me she wanted to help and that she wanted me to be safe. It took a lot of convincing on her part. I just find it so hard to believe that I’m not a burden to other people. Trusting my friend and going to her house was one of the best things I did. I could have tried to deal with it alone, but I’ve seen the results of that time and time again and, trust me, it isn’t pretty.

I was super super nervous as I pulled into my friend’s driveway. I was shaking. You know that feeling when you feel like you’re an inch tall? That’s how I felt. I was embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, anxious, hopeful, and desperate. My friend met me at the door. I found it hard to look her in the eyes. It’s hard to do that after you bare your soul to someone, especially if it wasn’t in person. She hugged me. Some wounds are in a place so deep that words alone cannot heal them. This simple act was worth a million encouraging words to me. I was scared and anxious, just like I had been when I told my parents about the abuse. The difference, this time I was met with a reassuring hug. I didn’t have to have it all together; my friend just wanted me to be okay.

We talked . . . a lot. I was shocked by how willing she was to listen because a lot of people would rather distract me from the pain. I have to process it; running from it only postpones it. I found out how closed I’d become as I talked. I was so nervous, so afraid of rejection that I’m sure at some points my voice must have shook. It was hard to talk but I needed to talk about so many things. I talked about the abuse, PTSD, anxiety, how I cope, my parents, etc. Everything is so tied together. I realized that I couldn’t tear down every wall. I could only become vulnerable to a point. I wasn’t able to show how I really felt when I talked. Instead I talked about things in a joking tone and smiled and laughed a lot. I cope using humor a lot. It was either laugh or cry. Crying felt too vulnerable, so I laughed. This may sound strange, but it’s how I protect myself. Sometimes I can’t face everything at once and I have to take things one at a time. In this case I could handle sharing the content but not the emotion that goes with the content.

I decided to break a bad pattern that day and I’m so glad I did. I am so blessed to have opened up to my friend. Having more than just one person to go to when I’m really struggling is really comforting and it makes me feel more sane. When only one person tells you you’re not crazy it’s hard to believe it, especially when you do crazy things and feel like a lunatic. But when two people together agree and tell you you’re not crazy and you’re not bad and you’re not a burden . . . It’s easier to trust what they say and believe them.


This is Simply Life by Faith


-Jerelle

Crap

I’d like to say that the past week with my friends has been nothing but awesome. However, life isn’t often the way you would like it to be. It started Saturday night. My friends and I were spending the night at one of our friend’s houses, playing board games, watching Harry Potter, laughing, drinking coke, and eating cookies. Just like any other of our awesome sleepovers. But this one was different. I was hanging out with my friends when all of a sudden something happened that I thought and hoped would never happen again. Remember how I said that I no longer have PTSD, well, apparently that only means that my symptoms aren’t constant enough to be diagnosed as PTSD. I still have symptoms, just not to the extreme that warrants a diagnosis. That night I started to have body memories again. There’s no nice way of putting it, body memories suck. Body memories are physical sensations of trauma. Nobody will be touching me; I could be all alone in a room and feel hands gripping my wrists or a heavy weight on top of me. To put it bluntly, it’s like being sexually abused all over again without a physical person doing the abuse. Imagine a weight that you can’t push off of you, hands that wander that you can’t fight. Yeah, it sounds scary and disturbing. I know it’s my body remembering what was done to it but it freaks me out. I feel like I’m being hurt again, I feel horrible, invasive things being done to me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. And it’s not limited to just the sexual abuse. A few times I felt the pain of being hit in the head. I fought my abuser. I bit him, kicked him, scratched him, punched him, did all I could do to get him to stop. His response: he hit me. He’d hit me in the head, the shoulder, arm, face, it didn’t really matter to him. He was a football player and weightlifter at the time. He was just careful to not hit me hard enough to leave a mark, didn’t want any incriminating evidence. Can you imagine how hard it is to pretend that you’re fine and laugh and joke with your friends when you feel hands moving up your shirt? You feel all alone. You feel like you’re a freak. You feel like you could burst into tears at any moment and you want so desperately to numb out the feelings. But if you numb out reality will get fuzzy and you find yourself in his room again. You blink hard and shake your head and your friend’s room comes back into focus then flickers back into your abuser’s room. You want to tell your friends, you want to reach out for help but you’re afraid they’ll think you’re crazy.

Nothing I do makes the body memories go away. They come and go as they please. When I feel them, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to fight. With body memories there’s no physical person to fight off of you, no way you can run away. What do you do with the fight or flight response? How do you act normal if you’re with people? I don’t know and the best I can do is try to hide it, clench my fists tight, breath, and look around the room I’m in to try to ground myself in the present. What I really want, and this is really really hard to write, I long for someone to just hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay. Nobody told me that after I told about the abuse. Neither of my parents reassured me or hugged me. They asked me endless questions and watched me cry and I didn’t understand and still don’t understand why they never comforted me, not even a pat on the shoulder. I guess they were in shock, I mean nobody expects one of their children to abuse the other.

Sorry this isn’t a very cheerful post. I can’t hold all of this inside indefinitely. It has to come out and how do you go about having a conversation about body memories with a friend? It sounds like it would be really uncomfortable for the listener and I don’t want to burden someone like that. Sometimes, when this PTSD crap happens and I feel crazy . . . it’s really lonely. Crying alone is one of the worst things ever.

You’ve been reading Simply Life by Faith

-Jerelle

A Father's Protection

3-15-11

            I haven’t been sleeping well. The past few nights I’ve just tossed and turned. I’ll be tired and I can’t find anything in my day that contributes to poor sleep. I don’t drink caffeinated pop anymore, don’t get much chocolate, I exercise in the morning. It’s quiet in the house and nothing in particular seems to wake me up. This has happened before. My sophomore year of college I had so much trouble with sleep that I was exhausted all the time and cried because I couldn’t sleep. Of course, during that time I had PTSD and the sleep problems made sense because of my general hypervigilance and sensitive alarm response. I don’t have PTSD anymore so I’ve racked my brains for a plausible explanation. That’s when I realized that I haven’t slept well since it dawned on me the other day that my abuser can walk into the house anytime during the day when I’m alone. He has a key to the house. My sister goes to school and then work and Dad has a 9 to 5 job, though he’s had to work late more often this past week. It really unsettles and bothers me that the only thing stopping my abuser from hurting me again is his decision to either hurt me or not hurt me. He knows I’m alone. I’m defenseless. Knowing this, it makes sense that I haven’t been sleeping well. In order to sleep we have to let our guard down and relax and that’s something I don’t naturally do when I’m a sitting duck for a known rapist, especially a man who has personally raped me in the past.

            He was at the house today. Dad, my sister, and I had gone out to eat after Church and we dropped my sister off at her boyfriend’s house. We came back to the house because Dad had forgotten something. When we came into view of the house I recognized my brother’s vehicle in the driveway. I ignored him while Dad ran into the house to get what he’d forgotten. After we left, I told my Dad that I didn’t like the idea that my brother could come by and get into the house when I’m alone. Dad told me he’d worried about that and that my brother wasn’t supposed to still be in town. He was expected to be down for only two weeks while he found a job and moved to another state. He came down a month or more ago. Dad said that he could put another deadbolt on the door that my brother wouldn’t have the key to for me to use when I’m alone at the house. Relief washed over me. A year ago I had cut ties with my family, especially my dad, and left town. It wasn’t healthy for me to be around my family. I wasn’t supported or protected by them. Since I renewed my relationship with my family I’ve noticed things have changed a great deal. I guess, after I left, Dad really looked at his relationship with his kids and realized how important it was that he protect me. His lack of protection equated a lack of concern and love to me. Now he’s stepping up and choosing to protect me from possible harm. I can’t begin to express how much that means to me. In deciding to protect me he’s affirmed my worth and expressed his love for me. The simple decision to put another deadbolt on the door was like him saying to me “You are important to me. I love you and because I love you I want to protect you. I don’t want any bad thing to happen to you.” Once again, God has healed a part of me through another person. My sense of self worth was severely damaged when I wasn’t protected from my brother. Now, I’m healing because Dad affirmed my worth in choosing to protect me. God is so amazing and I trust him with all that is in me. I know that God is in control. No bad thing can happen to me that God won’t turn into an even bigger blessing. He is using what happened to me in the past for good now. Anything else bad that happens to me will only add to the good because what mankind means for evil, God means for good (Genesis 50:20). I will keep moving forward because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

You have been reading Simply Life by Faith

-Faith_inpresentdarkness

Though Sorrow May Last for the Night His Joy Comes With the Morning

3-14-11

            Can it be possible that the sun is rising on my dark night of the soul? The night has been so long that’s it’s hard to imagine life without it. I remember the nights when I cried myself to sleep, praying and asking God when it would be okay again. When was I going to not hurt anymore. When could I lie down in my bed and not think about his hands covering my mouth so I couldn’t scream. Lying in bed triggered a lot of painful and unsafe feelings in me because I was often abused in a bed. I hated myself, I hated by body, I hated how weak and vulnerable I felt. Everything is so different now. I speak with confidence, well, more confidence than I’ve had most of my life. I like myself. I take care of my body, eating what’s good for me and exercising. Before, I felt that I didn’t deserve what was good for me. Now I gladly take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If something feels too threatening to me or upsets me, bringing up memories of the abuse, I say no. I assert my boundaries and I don’t let anyone walk all over me anymore. If I don’t feel up to smiling and acting civil towards my brother at family get togethers I leave. I don’t put up with it anymore. I will not live with my head down anymore. I am not a door mat. I have more self respect now. I used to wear a mask so often that many in the family didn’t know it was fake. I operated according to a fake personality. I was an introvert, quiet, didn’t step on people’s toes, didn’t get in the way, didn’t ruffle feathers, and sacrificed myself for the convenience of others. In reality, I’m equally introverted and extraverted. I can be quiet and I can be loud. I care deeply about people but now I won’t enslave myself to them, I’ll help as much as I can, but I won’t be an enabler. I will not be an emotional punching bag anymore. I’ll ruffle feathers and step on toes if I have to and I believe I’m worth enough to get in the way sometimes. I stand up for myself because I’m worth fighting for. I will not apologize for being who I truly am. I’ve hid my true self far too long and hiding your true self is damaging. If my abuser can walk around with his head held high why can’t I? I can and I will. I didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t my fault. I refuse to continue carrying my brother’s shame. The shame belongs to him, not me. I drop it today and God forbid I pick it back up.

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Faith_inpresentdarkness

The Courage to Speak

5-13-11

Lately I’ve really thrown myself into prayer more than I have in a very long time. I know that God wants us to ask for the things we need, though he knows better than we do what we need. I’ve been telling God my desires to do something big for him. I feel like he has something amazing planned for me that involves my testimony. I’ve noticed how, in just the past few days, God has taken that request and desire of mine and shown me things I didn’t think I was capable of. I’ve talked about some of those instances already. Mostly, what I’ve noticed is that God has opened my mouth. I’m not afraid to tell people my testimony and share my relationship with God. Yesterday I visited my aunt next door. I used to visit her a lot and we’d talk about random things for hours. She’s a housewife and homebound because she doesn’t have a driver’s license. It doesn’t seem to bother her, I’d go crazy. I ended up telling her my testimony, how I’d been abused and raped and God’s been healing me. I talk about God, but I don’t “overdo it” if that makes sense. I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable and not understand me. I try to communicate things in a practical way that would relate to the person I’m talking to. I don’t know how successful I am with that though. God should be shared with people, but I disagree with shoving God down people’s throats. It’s their personal decision to accept him or reject him. I don’t think people should be pressured because the decision should come from their heart.

What’s really amazed me is how God has given me peace and calmed me when I tell my testimony. I used to get worked up something awful. I wanted to share my testimony but at the same time I was scared to death of rejection and not being believed. I was so ashamed about what happened to me. Now I’m able to let my guard down with more people and share what God has done in me. My aunt was surprised when I told her, but understanding. Our conversations together had never really reached this depth before so we both had to adjust to that. It opened up our conversation to the possibility of other deep subjects. Later the same day my sister had a friend over. While my sister did her friend’s nails we all talked about anything and everything. Her friend mentioned my abuser offhandedly. I don’t remember the context. I was alarmed that she knew him, but it’s not really a big neighborhood. I’d just thought he’d been away when she moved down. She has a boyfriend, so I wasn’t worried about a possible romantic relationship between her and my abuser, but all the same, I was concerned. I’m living proof that he doesn’t need a romantic relationship to attempt and/or complete a sexual assault. He abused me since I was about 9, off and on, until I was about to turn 18. I told my sister’s friend to never be alone with him. She asked me why, just out of curiosity. I surprised myself by being able to tell her frankly. I said “He’s a rapist.” I told her that it happened to me and that he’s had other victims that I didn’t find out about until I broke the silence and told. It’s amazing how when one person breaks the silence, others find it easier to break the silence as well. I hope no one else has to ever find out what he’s capable of by experience. As far as I know I’m his only rape victim and that offense was repeated. As far as I know he’s sexually abused other girls (who are safe from him now) but he’s never raped someone else. Of course, he denies all of this and will deny it until he’s blue in the face. But God has shown me that I don’t have to wait for him to face the truth. Though an honest apology and promise that it will never happen again from him would be tremendously healing for both of us, I can heal without his cooperation. Nothing is too hard for God. There isn’t a wound, physical, psychological, or spiritual, that he can’t heal. Of this, I am also living proof.

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-Faith_inpresentdarkness

Healing Through a Teacher's Concern

5-10-11

Today my sister needed me to drive her to school in the middle of the day. Apparently they had nothing for the seniors to do during state testing so they didn’t have to come to school until lunch time. After saying bye to her I walked around the school for awhile and talking to some of my high school teachers. I thought that since I just graduated college, it was an appropriate time to visit them. J I visited one of my English teachers and then my Visual and Performing Arts teacher. He was my dance instructor. I was a dancer in high school. It’s one of those things that sets me on fire and makes me feel like I’m flying. I don’t get to dance much these days, but I had such an awesome time on the dance team in high school.

Later, I ran into my U.S. History teacher. He was one of my very favorite teachers when I was in high school and I always felt safe around him, though I didn’t trust many males. We started talking about God and hard times in life and I told him that I’d had PTSD most of the time I was in college. He was stunned and asked me why. I told him that I was abused; I didn’t specify what kind of abuse. He was shocked and asked me who, so I told him. I was surprised that he asked questions because a lot of people are really uncomfortable with talking about sexual abuse. He asked for more information, not in a creepy, invasive way but out of true concern. I told him that I had been raped more than once, told my last semester of high school, and fell completely apart. He gave me a hug and expressed concern for my well being. I know now that, had I told him when I was in high school, he would have definitely taken me seriously. The thought never occurred to me back then. I couldn’t even tell my own father, I had to tell a female. Just like when my psychology professor’s daughter hugged me, when I talked about the abuse with my history teacher I felt God take a hold of my heart and heal a deep part of me that had been broken. God is so amazing and mysterious in the way that he heals us. My history teacher was the first man that I told, in person, that I was sexually abused. I was able to talk about it with him and I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t go numb, I didn’t have panicked thoughts that he would somehow hurt me because I had to become vulnerable to tell him. I felt completely safe. It was really powerful and healing. God works through so many different people in so many different ways to accomplish his plans. I’m just so amazed at how God is working in my life right now. It reminds me of a Bible verse “‘For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.’” (Jeremiah 29:11).

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-Faith_inpresentdarkness

Graduating College

5-7-11

Today I graduated college with a Bachelor of Science degree for psychology and religion. A lot of hard work went into reaching this day. However, I wouldn’t have walked across that stage if it hadn’t been for God. My freshman year of college I developed delayed onset chronic PTSD. This disorder would stay with me until the last half of the fall semester of my senior year. I went years without the ability to fully feel emotion or even physical sensation. I numbed out. I experienced flashbacks of the abuse. The memories of rape were the hardest to go through during this time. I had panic attacks, hyper vigilance, and a constant fear that someone would hurt me again like my brother had. During my freshman year the pain got so bad that I often contemplated suicide. I lost a lot of the will to live. If I had not numbed out, I would have been constantly weeping for the hurt, pain, shame, and lack of support I felt from my family. I know my family loves me, but at the time (unbeknownst to me) most of my family didn’t know about the abuse. I thought word had spread since I had told my parents my senior year of high school. The lack of reaction, support, reassurance, and protection took a lot out of me. I felt, essentially, alone with my pain. I hated myself to the very core. I believed so strongly that it was somehow my fault, some deficiency in myself that had caused the abuse and that made my family not want to help me or protect me. I felt marked by the abuse and unworthy of love or affection from anyone.

God was not going to let me go. He had and still has a plan for my life. The very day that I thought I could take the pain no more and held a knife to the underside of my arm God sent someone to me. I held that knife to my arm for a while, intending to cut a deep line down the underside of my forearm, up to my wrist. I’d heard that was the way to do it. But with that knife to my arm I heard God screaming in my head “Don’t do it!!!” I ended up closing the knife and throwing it across the room, away from me. I then ran out of my dorm room and down the sidewalk towards the cafe. I ran into the youth pastor for one of the local churches. I knew him from being a leader in my high school First Priority club. He asked me how I was doing. I finally decided to be honest and tell him that I was really struggling. He told me to come talk to him in his church office sometime. Not long after that I found myself in a side room of the church building with him, talking about what was going on. At that moment when I needed to let everything spill out, I found that I could not speak. All I could do was cry. I never got to tell him what was wrong, but he gave me the number for a female college senior that I could talk to. I later told him that I felt suicidal through an email. I also met with the college minister and talked with him. I wasn’t able to tell him much either, I was so numb, so hurt, and so ashamed that the words I needed to say would not come out. He directed me to a lady who could set me up with a counselor.

Little bit by little bit, I got better. At least, I got to the point that I no longer wanted to take my own life. I decided to just try living one day at a time and trusting God with my life.

Healing was gradual most of the time, but I went through many short bursts of healing over the years. I have come so far. To walk across that stage at my own college graduation was so much more than just the celebration of hard academic study and achievement. The real reason for celebration was that I am still alive. I don’t want to take my life and I haven’t wanted to take my life for years. I don’t have PTSD anymore. I’m healing and have healed so much. The best part though is that my faith in and relationship with God has grown a hundred times stronger. People sometimes wonder why God allows the storms of life to happen to his children. Seeing the change in me, I wonder what we would be like if God didn’t use those storms to strengthen our faith and deepen our relationship with Him. If I had to do it all over again, I would still have chosen to heal. Burying the pain only makes things worse. The part of the journey of healing that I’ve come through so far has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. It shook me to my core, broke every part of me, and I had to allow God to heal the broken parts. Imagine having a hurricane, tsunami, tornado, earthquake, and flashflood trapped inside of you all at once with no escape. There is nothing easy about healing from sexual abuse and rape. However, God is greater. His goodness triumphs over every evil. His strength trumps all adversity. His power to heal overcomes every wound, no matter how deep. I am truly blessed and grateful to be alive today. I walk, live, work, and heal in the power and love of my Savior. Without him, I can do nothing, but through Him, I can do all things.

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-Faith_inpresentdarkness

P.S.- Staying at my dad’s house I no longer have internet service to post to my blog regularly. Instead I am writing posts on Microsoft Word at home and posting them when I can get to town and get a signal.

Making Progress

So I've had a pretty awesome day today. Events were pretty normal, well, as normal as finals week gets lol. This changed perspective on life has had far reaching effects. I can see everything so differently. I've broken out of my cage of pain and shame and it feels amazing!!! It feels so good to smile, really genuinely smile and laugh and not feel uncomfortable. I find myself happy for no apparent reason and thinking about all the good things in life. My heart bursts with love and thanks for what God has done in me. I'm also more active and healthy. With this new perspective and resolve I see myself as a beautiful creation of God who deserves to be healthy. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and each day I find myself wanting more and more to take care of this temple. I've been spontaneous and joined my friends on trips to the library, walmart, the cafeteria, around campus (plenty of socializing and walking). I'm up and moving around so much more than I was just a few days ago. I also have an appetite again. I've gone for about a year without one. On a good day I might have gotten hungry for one meal. Now, I'm hungry when I'm supposed to be. Eating is not a chore anymore. I no longer dread meal times. I'm also eating healthier. Today I surprised myself by choosing not only healthy portions, but healthy food options in the cafe today. My plate for supper was a full half fruits and veggies! Another quarter was rice w/ carrot and pineapple (interesting mix, I know lol they try). The last quarter was sesame seed chicken. I'm stoked about this! I'm full of so much joy and hope for the future. It is just so amazing living without the shame of abuse constantly overshadowing me. I said it on this blog, it's out there now and no one so far has reacted with disgust towards me. I feel so empowered to live my life to the fullest I possibly can on this earth. This is such a stunning change in me I'm surprised I'm not outwardly glowing. The Bible talks about God filling your cup to overflowing. That's how I feel right now. I'm full of fierce joy, triumph, love, peace, and hope. My middle name is a hawaiian name, by doing some research a long time ago I found out that it means "blessed." Right now I truly feel blessed. I am literally so full of joy that I'm about to cry. The feeling is so wonderful and I wondered during the grueling years of suffering from abuse and then the hard years of healing from the abuse if I would ever feel this way again. God's timing is perfect. If I could have bypassed on the hard work of trying to heal and jumped straight to this feeling I wouldn't have done it. Now I have the joy and peace plus the understanding, strength, and courage it takes to survive and actively heal from sexual abuse and rape.

I know it's an awkward topic and I said it wouldn't be my only topic on this blog. I want to assure anyone reading this blog that I'm not afraid to talk about it and I'm open to questions. If someone reading this has a similar story or related story, or just needs someone to listen, I am more than happy to be there. I am only a comment or facebook message away. Even if your past has no trauma in it and you are just curious or want to talk, I'm completely open to it. The defeat of shame in my life has broken the chains that have held me in silence for so long. Now, thanks to God, I'm a force to be reckoned with. My strength and faith come from God. I know this because I could not have pulled myself out of the pit I was in. I am a classic case of divine intervention, and I'm proud of it!

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May you be blessed today

-Faith_inpresentdarkness

This Little Light of Mine

I've decided that I want to go public with my blog, that meaning that I want my friends to know about it. I want to spread it on facebook. The very same day that I posted my last post I got a message from a friend that had read it. Her message really encouraged me and helped me see that I really can reach others through my testimony. I know that my testimony is one that people don't normally ask to be given during a retreat or Bible study night. Sexual abuse and rape are kinda taboo subjects. People feel uncomfortable when they hear about it. My aim is not to make others feel uncomfortable. I just want to share my story and not be silent and ashamed about it anymore. Not talking about it only serves to make survivors feel ashamed about their pasts. My hope is that me talking about it and sharing how I've been healing from abuse will encourage others. I want to share God through my testimony. Just posting part of my story on my last post and then reading a response from a friend has helped me heal a little bit more.

Of course sexual abuse and rape aren't going to be the only topics on this blog. This blog is still titled Simply Life by Faith. It's about my life and my life isn't defined by something bad that happened to me. I going to talk about all kinds of things in my life. So don't worry, this blog isn't going to be a constant downer. I've just been amazed and inspired to reach others with my story, both the joy and the tears of it. That being said, I do want to mention the awesome day I had today.

Some of my friends and I all went to Knoxville today. We visited this really big and really amazing used bookstore. It was the biggest book store I think I've ever been in, and the prices were really great. I walked out with 5 books in all. I can have no doubts that I chose the right two majors in college. My majors are psychology and religion. I bought two books from the Professional Psychology section and two books from the Christian Living section. My fifth book came out of a random section (can't remember the name), but it's also related to psychology because it about how to see a person's personality in his/her handwriting. I've always found that topic interesting and now I've finally found a book on it! Later we went to the movies to see Jane Eyre. I've never read the book, to the utter disbelief and horror of my roommate. I didn't expect it to be so scary. I thought it would be more chick flicky but there were several spooky scenes in this movie. Now I want to read the book because the movie was really interesting, and, yes, in a psychological way lol. I'm a psych nerd, what can I say? I've always liked to learn about people and understand them. I'm not all about analyzing people. That's uncomfortable to go through and not really reliable. Instead I like to build relationships with people and get to know them personally. I have a passion for other people and their stories.

Well, it's really late and finals start tomorrow . . . or later this morning depending on how you see it. lol.

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-Faith_inpresentdarkness

P.S. -For those of you who don't know, my real name is not Faith. I use it as a pseudo-name because my name is really unique and I try to be careful about the personally identifying information I share on the internet.

Blessings in Abundance

So, I've been looking at my life differently lately and it has changed my perspective. I tend to focus on what I do wrong. My failings are ever before my eyes. You know how it feels when you can't see the good in you for all the bad? Well, I saw a movie two Thursdays ago that has had a huge impact on me. It's called Soul Surfer (based on a true story). It's about a female surfer in Hawaii, named Bethany Hamilton, who was attacked by a shark at the age of thirteen. The shark bit off her entire left arm. Despite this she trusted God in her struggles, didn't give up on her dream of becoming a pro surfer, and in the end learned that God enabled her to reach millions of people through her injury and courage. Bethany Hamilton is now 21 and a pro surfer. She is continuing to inspire others around the world who have suffered trauma. The message that this movie shared helped me to see with new eyes. Bad things happen to people, but God makes the bad into a good and uses our wounds and struggles to strengthen us and others. He turns bad things into opportunies to share his truth, life, and gospel. I knew this already, but seeing the story of someone who lives it out today really opened my eyes to this truth. Bethany's faith in God is amazing. I think the most amazing thing about her faith in God is that it isn't passive. She acted on her faith, though she couldn't see the big picture. She didn't just wait around, she worked towards her dream and took her walk with God one day at a time.

Having suffered from trauma in the past, Bethany's story really hit home for me. I am a survivor of incest. My older brother sexually abused me for many years and raped me more than once when I was around 13-14. I developed delayed onset chronic post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) my freshman year of college. Within just the past year, I can now say that I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for PTSD. I still struggle with some issues of self esteem, confidence, body image, anger, and anxiety, but I have come so far in my healing. Bethany's story helped me to look beyond simply healing from the trauma to looking to how I can use what happened to me to share God with others. I decided years ago that I want to be a counselor and help fellow survivors of sexual trauma, however, I wasn't getting the big picture. Yes, it's great that I want to help other survivors like me, but God can work through my experience to reach more than just one specific subgroup of trauma survivors. Just as Bethany's story spoke to me, my story can speak to others who don't necessarily share my experience. Being sexually abused and/or raped can seriously damage self image, confidence, relationships, and especially future marriage and having children. Working through the pain and struggling to heal is a huge job. There is nothing easy about it. So I guess, in a way, my story is similar to Bethany's. I haven't given up and I never lost faith in God. Instead I work actively, every day, to heal from the trauma. I am also reaching for my dream: to be confident, to look at myself and see beauty, to meet and marry my future husband and trust him, to have children and be close and nurturing to them, to have deep, enduring, loving relationships with others, to be myself and not be ashamed, to share God's love with the world.

Looking at my life differently also led me to see the good things in me and in my life. I am surrounded by so much of God's blessings, grace, hope, peace, love, and mercy. I have gone from being a hurting, heartbroken girl with PTSD in a dysfunctional family to a healing woman with a healing family. God has blessed me in so many ways, I don't know if I can even scratch the surface in this blog post. Every day I see more of God's love for me and every day I love God a little more. I see my family healing from past dysfunctional ways of acting; I see my connection to and communication with my family growing stronger. God is so good and I know that it was in his plan for a young girl attacked by a shark in Hawaii to, years later, reach a woman healing from sexual trauma. God is just awesome like that.

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May God bless you abundantly, as he has blessed me.

-Faith_inpresentdarkness