Not a Permanent Crazy

I haven't gone to bed yet. Late nights tend to be a thing with me when I'm not well. I guess this is what I'll call it, "not well." I've been in my right mind and I've been lost in the darkness of memories, depression, and numbness. This feeling is temporary. Satan tries and tries to convince me that it's permanent, but Jesus always carries me through the dark places back to the light. I'm so convinced of the darkness when I'm in it. When I am myself again, when I can see clearly again, I'm always amazed at how I believed lies and felt so alone. So I'm going to walk on water, walk by faith. It must take a lot of faith for a physically blind person to walk. I think, in some way, I can understand that. I'm blind right now, emotionally/psychologically. I can't see the truth that I stand on, but I still trust it. I choose it. If Peter had been blind when Jesus called him out on the water, by faith Peter would still have walked on water. He might have even walked further than he did because, being blind, he wouldn't have taken his eyes off Jesus to look at the waves. Maybe Jesus is teaching me to not put my trust in understanding the truth, but to put my trust in the One who is the Truth. When I was younger I coped with things by trying to always understand them. I wasn't always successful, but I was adamant about finding patterns and meanings in things. Maybe that's part of the trying to understand how the people who are supposed to protect you hurt you instead. I don't know. These days I tend to trust Jesus more and my understanding less. It's like the verse finally got from my head to my heart: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I don't know exactly where that verse is in the Bible. I think it's in Proverbs. Sometimes I'm delighted to find that scripture is in my heart before it's in my head. I don't always know where to locate the verses, but I know it's in the Bible and I can always look it up and there it is, word for word what was in my heart. This happened once in the middle of a Wednesday night church service. I went to the church across the road from my house for Wednesday nights. Our youth leader was teaching and he had all us teenagers in the front row of the church instead of our usual back pew. He was talking about a verse of scripture that showed us that Jesus turns our bad circumstances into good things. I was a shy kid, I rarely ever spoke in front of a lot of people. He wanted someone to speak up and tell him the verse. I knew exactly what he was talking about. I had the words of the verse in my heart. Then something interesting happened. I raised my hand. He pointed to me, and I said "Romans 8:28!" I hadn't memorized that verse beforehand. It must have been Jesus who put the knowledge of book, chapter, and verse in my head. Ever since then, He has revealed to me and expanded what that verse means. It has become my life verse. It goes like this: "For we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." It means that He blesses me with good things, and He causes the bad that happens in my life to turn around and bless me as well. He turns tragedy into victory and pain into joy. I can't lose! The good blesses me and the bad becomes good that blesses me! Isn't God amazing? He blows my mind all the time and I just can't help but fall more and more in love with Him the longer I walk with Him. If anyone reading this is interested in knowing the God I know, please ask me about Him. I'd love to tell you more. Thanks for reading :)

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors

So, as you can probably guess from my post title, I've been seeing a lot of doctors lately. It has been crazy and I've paid a fortune in co pays alone. Besides my primary care physician I have five other doctors, all of which are specialists. I have a rheumatologist, a orthopedic physician, a gastroenterologist, a gynecologist, and a physical therapist. And guess what! I just found out last night that my old endocrinologist has moved from her old location, close to where I used to live, 100 miles from my current home, and has moved just down the road from me. Well yay, another doctor! lol I probably should schedule an appointment with her some time. She put me on Metformin, which caused me to lose like 10 pounds. However, around hectic finals time senior year of college I missed my follow up appointment with her and never saw her again because I graduated from college shortly after and had a crazy hectic PTSD and healing filled summer. I ran out of my prescription and my weight loss went with it lol. I gained the 10 pounds back too. Most of my current doctors are telling that if I'd lose weight it would help my symptoms, maybe not cure me, but it would definitely would help. Hmmmm, hard to do that when extreme weight gain and retention is one of my symptoms lol. But no doctor believes that.

I saw my physical therapist this morning. She said my strength and range of motion were pretty good. She gave me a series of knee exercises to help strength my knee muscles. Hopefully that will help my knee problems. I also learned that it's okay to exercise my knees. I freaked a little when my orthopedic physician told me I'm probably wearing away valuable cartilage in my knees. My logic followed that the more I exercised my knees, the more cartilage I would wear away. Now that I know that exercise is okay and an important part of treatment I'm not so afraid. I was having images in my head of me losing all my cartilage and having to have knee replacement surgery at a very young age. I definitely didn't want that.

Through all this medical stuff, I've learned something, and, even now, it sounds weird coming from me. I've learned that I'm strong. My friends have told me that I'm strong to have survived the abuse I went through most of my life. I've been told that I'm super strong and brave for facing my past and choosing to actively heal from it. I didn't believe them. All I did was survive. I thought that if I was strong I would have fought off my attackers, I would have had the courage to tell earlier, I wouldn't have PTSD. But now, I'm starting to see this strength they're telling me about. I've seen a lot of doctors lately and gone through a lot of tests and procedures. A lot of these crossed the boundary into triggering reactions from my PTSD because of my past. I've been poked and prodded and stuck with needles and much worse, invasive things. I can see now that going through all of this is very strong, given my past. I'm facing it though is scares me when any doctor touches me, even if its just on the shoulder. I've gone through procedures that were so terrifiyingly similar to what was done to me in my past that I've cried and lost sleep, but I still went through with it. I didn't hide from it. I showed up and faced what I had to go through to find answers to my health problems. That's both strong and brave. I've also started to stand up for myself. I am a sexual abuse survivor. We don't handle medical settings very well a lot of the time. There's such an imbalance of power between patient and doctor, sometimes clothes must be removed, sometimes you have to be exposed, sometimes invasive things must be done, and sometimes, doctors are callous and disrespectful. I've been disrespected and hurt by doctors in the past. I was afraid to stand up for myself. Now, I can see that they have no right to do that to me. I have the right to say no, to demand sensitive care, to be treated with respect and dignity. I've learned to be open about my past and proactive in securing what I need to feel safe for procedures and in informing doctors and nurses in what is okay and what is not okay when it comes to my care. Standing up for yourself is one of the most healing and self respectful things a survivor of sexual abuse can do. I directly contradicts the way we were treated when we were abused. In abuse, I didn't have any control over the situation and I was hurt. There was nothing I could do. Now, I can take charge and be in control of what is done to my body.

God is healing me in amazing ways. I wouldn't be where I am without Him. He's the one who has shown me my value in His eyes and He's the One who has made me strong. I can be brave because my bravery comes from Him. I am strong because He is my strength. One day, not long ago, I heard Him speak directly to me. I heard His voice, not with my ears, but with my heart. I was receiving communion at a friend's church. It happened suddenly and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it didn't come from my own mind or imagination. I heard God speaking to me and His voice sounded like He was smiling as He said it. He said: "You are Mine. I love you and I am sooooo proud of you." I was so shocked to hear this. Not only was I hearing the voice of the King of Kings, the Creator of the Universe, but I was hearing Him say that I was His, that He loves me, and craziest of all, that He's proud of me. There's this huge sense of awe that overwhelms you when God not only speaks to you so clearly, but He tells you that He's proud of you. I was so confused. I didn't understand what I had done to make God proud of me. But I've realized I don't have to do anything to make Him proud of me. Because of Jesus, in God's eyes I am perfectly sinless, innocent, and beautiful. I love God and I'm trying to follow His will for my life. That has led me down some painful paths and to some rough places but I haven't quit. I haven't quit because He is my strength and He leads me, but at the same time, He's proud of me for following Him. There is no one else on the face of the planet that is worthy of all the trust that we are called to trust God. But when we do trust Him, He is proud of us. Though He does all the hard stuff (making all things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), He is proud of us when we walk by faith. We walk by faith, and don't get me wrong that is a super hard thing to do, but when we walk by faith, God is the solid ground we're walking on. I'm not downplaying how hard life is. To human beings, just living on earth is the hardest thing you can ever do. We don't have it easy, but God does things that only God can do. We can't help ourselves, we can't save ourselves. We don't have that strength or power. But God does and He saves us. It's just so amazing that God does so many awesome things that are beyond my ability and comprehension. But when I step out and trust in the Creator of the universe, the One who controls gravity itself, He is proud of me. That just blows my mind.

SimplyLifebyFaith

-J

Back Again

Wow, so it's been a very long time since I posted. Pretty sure I said that last time I posted as well lol. I knew when I started this blog that I wouldn't be any sort of consistent with posting because that just seems to be against my personality and life. I really admire the people that can stick to a blog and post regularly over the months and years, I'm just not one of them lol.

Anyway, what's been going on in my life right now? Well, a lot and not a lot. I'm currently averaging only 8 hours of work a week at my job. That's kinda good and kinda bad. I need the hours because I need the money for rent and essentials. But, on the other hand, there's a lot of blaming and negativity and backstabbing and unfairness that goes on at work, so I'm more emotionally healthy when I'm not at work. I guess it's back to looking for employment *sign*

My health, well, it's taken another turn for the worse. This time its my knees that are affected. I'm seeing several doctors and having several tests done but the only concrete explanation I have right now is that my knee caps, for some unknown reason, have shifted slightly and are no longer in the right positions. That causes them to rub the cartilage the wrong way and wear away valuable cushioning. I'm glad the doctor found that early.

When it comes to my healing from abuse I've made huge strides. God has used several different people to show me His love and nurturing and protection. I've healed so much since my last several posts. I'm in a much healthier place and can now catch glimpses of how God sees me. Those glimpses are wonderful and so different from the lies I've believed my whole life. I don't see them all the time, but I hope someday soon I won't struggle to know the truth and accept it. Some of the things I glimpse during these times is that I'm loved. That God loves me and other people love me. That was such a hard concept to grasp before and it's still not easy for me to understand. I also see that I deserve protection. This one has been a tough one because I went through abuse believing it was my fault and therefore I deserved what I got. Its taken some hard work and convincing by friends that me deserving abuse is far far far from the truth. One of the best illustrations a friend gave me was asking me to think about my future children. Now, if someone hurt my children, would they deserve it. If their situation was exactly as mine had been, would they deserve it? NO! One huge lie that I've been fighting and losing against for many years is the lie that I'm dirty. I believed when I was little that since my abuser touched me in places he wasn't supposed to that it made me dirty. I thought I was contaminated and ruined. Now sometimes I can see what my friends keep telling me is true, that I'm clean. The abuse didn't make me dirty, it hurt me, but it didn't change who I am. Along with this truth I've come to catch glimpses of another truth, that I'm innocent. I've felt guilty for being abused for years. I know that statement may be hard to understand, but I felt wrong and bad about what my abuser was doing to me. I felt that it must be my fault that it was happening. There's a lot of psychology that goes into such a misattribution of guilt and fault. I was young and couldn't take care of myself. My abuser was sometimes my babysitter and, anyway, he was always around, a constant presence in my life. My mind couldn't take in that I couldn't escape the abuse. Can you imagine a child's mind absorbing the fact that nothing they can do can keep them from being molested and raped and hit? Therefore I came up with the belief that I was causing the abuse and must have somehow wanted it. I never wanted it. I was terrified when it was happening. I was confused and hurt. I didn't know what to do and there was nothing I could do. Even this explanation is helping me see the truth more clearly that I am innocent. My abuser did something wrong to me; I didn't do anything wrong. I was a victim, not a participant.

I'm opening up more now and trusting and believing the truth. It's that wonderful part of healing when, after you're about to give up hope that you'll ever be okay again, you suddenly see the light and a ton a progress comes so fast that it makes you dizzy. I can see so much more clearly now. I can go back and read messages and comments from years ago (changed to timeline profile on facebook lol) and they make so much more sense. I can read them and see that the person who wrote it really did care and wasn't just being nice. I could honestly see the love and concern where I was numb and couldn't see anything but a sense of obligation and doing the right thing before. This is truly awesome!!! There were people there for me when I didn't even realize anyone cared.

I don't how often I'll be posting, but I just wanted to start up again. I love keeping a blog, I'm just not very good at keeping it up to date when life gets hard and it feels like my PTSD takes over. Thanks for reading :)

Simply Life by Faith

-J

Lexington, Changes, and Grief

I know it's been a very long time since I posted. That was due to several factors. First of all, I didn't have my computer. I lent it to my college roommate because her computer stopped working. I didn't have internet at home and I visited her a lot at the dorm so it made the most sense. However, without my computer at home I stopped writing. All the times I felt like writing were times I was home away from my computer. Another reason was that my PTSD got really really bad after my last post and I kinda dropped off the face of blogging. I hurt so badly and I reexperienced my trauma so vividly over the rest of the summer that I was in no shape to keep up a blog. I was honestly doing good to get in one solid meal a day.

Now, I'm not sure that I'm doing much better. I've gone through some really stressful and emotional days lately. I just moved 100 miles away from home. I went from a tiny town to the big city, far away from what I'm used to. My college roommate moved with me and we're splitting the rent and expenses on a little apartment in the heart of the big city. I decided to take a year off school. I couldn't handle moving to the big city, finding a job, working, going to school in another town, and dealing with the level of PTSD that I was going through. It has taken a huge load off my shoulders and I thank those people who helped me make the best decision for me. I am still not fully unpacked. I'm living off my savings and the help of family. I'm looking for a job, I don't care if I have to scrub toilets. I'm satisfied as long as I can pay the rent, utilities, and keep food on the table.

The day after I moved in my great great uncle passed away. Now, he wasn't as old as that sounds. He was around the same age as my grandpa. He was one of the very best people I knew. Even with my past and having PTSD, I NEVER felt unsafe or in danger with him. I always trusted him 100%. I knew I never had to fear this man, though I feared every other man on the planet. He was truly one of the best people in the world. He was so kind and loving and strong. When I think of what a real man and real strength looks like I see him. He's one of the people who, through his example, taught me that not all men will hurt me, that in fact there are good men who will protect me instead of hurt me. I couldn't thank him enough. I didn't see my uncle a lot but God has been showing me how this amazing and wonderful man helped heal pieces of my heart that I thought would never be whole again. In the hospital I couldn't find the words to express to him how I felt and what he had done in my life. I was there with him and his immediate family up to an hour before he passed away. He was so aware of what was going on. He knew it was his time and he faced death bravely. Though he couldn't stand physically in that hospital, I believe he faced death standing. I will miss him so much. I can close my eyes and see his smile and hear his soft voice saying "Hey Hun!" That's how he always greeted me. I don't think he every really called me by my name, but I didn't mind. His soft "Hey Hun!" made me feel cherished and loved for who I was. He always made me feel safer and happier. He was one of those people who, when he walked into a room, everyone felt more at ease. I am honored to call him my uncle. I have been blessed so much having him in my life and I will miss him terribly now that he's gone. However, his courage inspires and strengthens me to face life bravely and meet the challenges I will face standing. So look out big city! Look out PTSD!

-Jerelle

Determined

I just wanted to come on here and say that I'm still determined. I've been struggling with PTSD and PTSD symptoms since my senior year of high school. I got a short break from it my senior year of college but now it seems to have come back in full force. But I'm not crushed by that. It feels absolutely horrible that I reached a point where I wasn't afraid for an entire day and now I can't go an hour without reexperiencing something horrible my brother did to me (I'm so glad I'm good at hiding this crap in daily life). But I've had a taste of what life is like without PTSD, without anxiety or fear that I'll be hurt again. It's so good it's beyond words. Before, I had no evidence that life without trauma or reexperiencing trauma was possible. I didn't know life without it. I had no idea what that looked or felt like. Now I know and it's made my resolve to heal even stronger. I know it's possible and attainable now. It's not just some far off wish or hope. It's a reality that can be reached. I'm not going to give up. I can't give up because it's either heal or die slowly. If I wasn't trying to heal I'd be trying to drown out the pain through any means possible. That means I'd be drinking, driving way too fast, taking huge risks, cutting, partying, taking a baseball bat to my brother's car, punching holes in walls even if I bloodied my fists, and doing anything stupid I could think of because as bad as it sounds physical pain and adrenaline distract me from the pain inside. I don't want to try to drown out the pain because in the long run it only hurts me more and it hurts the people who love me, though right now I really  can't see why or how anyone could ever love me. When anxiety and pain take over me, I can't see things as they are. Most of my thoughts are irrational and I can't see the truth even when it's spoken to me plainly. Right now I'm reexperiencing something. I honestly don't go a day or even half a day without reexperiencing something. Right now all I feel is disgusting and dirty and worthless. It's hard not to feel this way when I can feel the past happening all over again. In reality I know I'm sitting in my friend's dorm room, but at the same time I'm hallucinating and feeling pain and hands holding me down or hitting me in the head because I made a crazy bid for freedom. It really sucks and there's nothing I can do to make it go away. However, I trust God in this. I know he has a plan and he's healing me. I don't understand everything or how I can be healed but I trust God and I KNOW he can and will heal me. If he wasn't going to do something amazing with my past and heal me then why did he stop me from taking my own life four years ago? There must be a reason I'm alive and I'm fighting for that purpose. I refuse to give up.

-Jerelle

Friends, Pong, and Tea Parties

5-?-11

Okay, so I think I’ve figured out how to do this. So much has happened this past week that there’s no way that I can talk about it all. Therefore, I’m going to hit some of the big things that happened, definitely not all because that would be impossible. The first major highlight was finding out that I’m related to one of my very best friends. One of her father’s cousins passed away and the funeral was held at my home church. Her father’s cousin turned out to also be my father’s cousin. It was so awesome finding out that I’m related to such an awesome person. I was surprised, though, by how happy my friend was to find out we’re related. See, I have a strong inferiority complex. Her excitement when she told me puzzled me, but it also started to correct the skewed image I have of myself. I don’t know if I’ve just healed to the point that I can start to accept the good things my friends say about me or if God chose this particular friend to break through the lies I believe about myself. Instead of arguing with her when she says something that contradicts the lies, I find that I can’t honestly believe the lies when she contradicts them. My arguments get stuck in my throat and the voices in my head that used to scream the lies louder when challenged are silenced. I have much more to say about this amazing friend of mine, but I’m saving it for a whole post of its own.

Another highlight, though not as cool, was playing the Atari for the very first time. I played Pong! I’ve wanted to try Pong for a long time because it’s like the very beginning of video games. I expected it to be super easy, I mean how hard can batting a dot back and forth be? I was greatly mistaken. Pong is a very simple game but it challenged me. The little line I controlled to hit the dot moved much slower than the dot did and the dot would bounce off the sides of the screen in unpredictable ways. I had to focus on prediction and reaction time. The game wasn’t really hard, but the simplicity, complexity, and addictiveness of it impressed me. I would definitely play it again and not just because of its historical value.

Another one of my awesome friends decided to have a tea party before she left for her mission trip. We had hot tea, cold tea, and strawberry lemonade. The menu included enchilada soup, cookies, cake, donuts, cinnamon rolls, and dessert. My friend wanted our time together as a group to be meaningful and constructive. One really cool thing we did was make blue jean bracelets. She passed out strips of denim material and we wrote on our strip a goal that we had for this summer, something we wanted to be lifted up in prayer. On mine I wrote “Learn how to use my past to share God with others.” After writing our goal we put our denim strips in a bowl and mixed them up. We then drew at random a strip that wasn’t our own, twisted it, and tied it on our wrist as a bracelet. The bracelet would remind us to pray for one another, particularly the person whose strip we drew. We wrote down that person’s goal so we could remember it and pray for that person to reach her goal. I think it’s an awesome way for us to lift each other up in Christ. After that, our friend decided to wash our feet. Washing feet is an imitation of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. It symbolizes love, humility, and the cleansing of sins. As she came around to each one of us, she prayed for us individually. When she came to me she thanked God for my humor and how I can always make her laugh. That touched me because I love to make people laugh. Seeing someone smile and laugh is one of the most beautiful things on earth. At the same time I was a little sad because my friend led up to thanking God for my humor by saying that we haven’t had a lot of deep talks. I am a very deep person. I love to have deep talks, learn about my friends, and share my life with others. I could not live without going deep. Her comment made me really think about how much I open up to people and go deep with them. I realized that I haven’t really opened up to her or really any of the friends sitting there with me besides my roommate. I used to open up to other people, but lately I’d withdrawn and held people at arms length. Then I realized that I didn’t open up to them because I was too busy protecting myself from further harm. Though I’m a deep person, I was hurt on a very very deep level in my past. I was afraid to open up to my friends, afraid for them to see the real me. I may act like everything is fine and I’m doing great, but a lot of the time I’m not okay and I hurt terribly. I hide the hurt because a little voice in my mind tells me that if my friends really knew the real me, they’d leave, they’d hate me. I can’t explain why they would leave and why they would hate me. It’s an irrational thought and I’ve healed so much to even be able to recognize that as an irrational thought. Before this I hadn’t realized how high and thick my protective walls were. I let people only get so close to me. I don’t want that. I want to open up to people. I want to break down my walls and let people in, it’s just a really scary thing to do because once I let the walls down other people are free to either love me or hurt me. The love sounds wonderful, but the possibility of being hurt by one of my friends is an unbearable thought, and it’s happened before. Once you’re betrayed by someone close to you, someone you call a friend, it’s hard to make yourself vulnerable to another person who could do the same if he/she wanted.

I was so glad that God showed me this about myself. He chose to show me through a friend’s prayer. I have a lot of respect and admiration for this particular friend. She does and says a lot of funny things and that’s awesome and I love that about her. The big thing, however, is her humility and great desire to reflect Jesus. She is a woman who has taken her heart and handed it wholly to Jesus. She is a great example of faith and reliance on God. One of the things that really impress me is her resolve and boldness to say what’s on her heart and to share God with everyone she meets. God is not just the big guy upstairs or a God that we just pay attention to on Sunday to her. God touches every part of her life and she’s acutely aware of it. She runs with all her might towards God and I think that’s beyond awesome. She really encourages and challenges me to seek God in everything. I’m glad because everyone needs a friend that isn’t afraid to point them to the only One who can heal their every hurt and overcome every problem.

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-Jerelle

A Father's Protection

3-15-11

            I haven’t been sleeping well. The past few nights I’ve just tossed and turned. I’ll be tired and I can’t find anything in my day that contributes to poor sleep. I don’t drink caffeinated pop anymore, don’t get much chocolate, I exercise in the morning. It’s quiet in the house and nothing in particular seems to wake me up. This has happened before. My sophomore year of college I had so much trouble with sleep that I was exhausted all the time and cried because I couldn’t sleep. Of course, during that time I had PTSD and the sleep problems made sense because of my general hypervigilance and sensitive alarm response. I don’t have PTSD anymore so I’ve racked my brains for a plausible explanation. That’s when I realized that I haven’t slept well since it dawned on me the other day that my abuser can walk into the house anytime during the day when I’m alone. He has a key to the house. My sister goes to school and then work and Dad has a 9 to 5 job, though he’s had to work late more often this past week. It really unsettles and bothers me that the only thing stopping my abuser from hurting me again is his decision to either hurt me or not hurt me. He knows I’m alone. I’m defenseless. Knowing this, it makes sense that I haven’t been sleeping well. In order to sleep we have to let our guard down and relax and that’s something I don’t naturally do when I’m a sitting duck for a known rapist, especially a man who has personally raped me in the past.

            He was at the house today. Dad, my sister, and I had gone out to eat after Church and we dropped my sister off at her boyfriend’s house. We came back to the house because Dad had forgotten something. When we came into view of the house I recognized my brother’s vehicle in the driveway. I ignored him while Dad ran into the house to get what he’d forgotten. After we left, I told my Dad that I didn’t like the idea that my brother could come by and get into the house when I’m alone. Dad told me he’d worried about that and that my brother wasn’t supposed to still be in town. He was expected to be down for only two weeks while he found a job and moved to another state. He came down a month or more ago. Dad said that he could put another deadbolt on the door that my brother wouldn’t have the key to for me to use when I’m alone at the house. Relief washed over me. A year ago I had cut ties with my family, especially my dad, and left town. It wasn’t healthy for me to be around my family. I wasn’t supported or protected by them. Since I renewed my relationship with my family I’ve noticed things have changed a great deal. I guess, after I left, Dad really looked at his relationship with his kids and realized how important it was that he protect me. His lack of protection equated a lack of concern and love to me. Now he’s stepping up and choosing to protect me from possible harm. I can’t begin to express how much that means to me. In deciding to protect me he’s affirmed my worth and expressed his love for me. The simple decision to put another deadbolt on the door was like him saying to me “You are important to me. I love you and because I love you I want to protect you. I don’t want any bad thing to happen to you.” Once again, God has healed a part of me through another person. My sense of self worth was severely damaged when I wasn’t protected from my brother. Now, I’m healing because Dad affirmed my worth in choosing to protect me. God is so amazing and I trust him with all that is in me. I know that God is in control. No bad thing can happen to me that God won’t turn into an even bigger blessing. He is using what happened to me in the past for good now. Anything else bad that happens to me will only add to the good because what mankind means for evil, God means for good (Genesis 50:20). I will keep moving forward because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

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-Faith_inpresentdarkness

Though Sorrow May Last for the Night His Joy Comes With the Morning

3-14-11

            Can it be possible that the sun is rising on my dark night of the soul? The night has been so long that’s it’s hard to imagine life without it. I remember the nights when I cried myself to sleep, praying and asking God when it would be okay again. When was I going to not hurt anymore. When could I lie down in my bed and not think about his hands covering my mouth so I couldn’t scream. Lying in bed triggered a lot of painful and unsafe feelings in me because I was often abused in a bed. I hated myself, I hated by body, I hated how weak and vulnerable I felt. Everything is so different now. I speak with confidence, well, more confidence than I’ve had most of my life. I like myself. I take care of my body, eating what’s good for me and exercising. Before, I felt that I didn’t deserve what was good for me. Now I gladly take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If something feels too threatening to me or upsets me, bringing up memories of the abuse, I say no. I assert my boundaries and I don’t let anyone walk all over me anymore. If I don’t feel up to smiling and acting civil towards my brother at family get togethers I leave. I don’t put up with it anymore. I will not live with my head down anymore. I am not a door mat. I have more self respect now. I used to wear a mask so often that many in the family didn’t know it was fake. I operated according to a fake personality. I was an introvert, quiet, didn’t step on people’s toes, didn’t get in the way, didn’t ruffle feathers, and sacrificed myself for the convenience of others. In reality, I’m equally introverted and extraverted. I can be quiet and I can be loud. I care deeply about people but now I won’t enslave myself to them, I’ll help as much as I can, but I won’t be an enabler. I will not be an emotional punching bag anymore. I’ll ruffle feathers and step on toes if I have to and I believe I’m worth enough to get in the way sometimes. I stand up for myself because I’m worth fighting for. I will not apologize for being who I truly am. I’ve hid my true self far too long and hiding your true self is damaging. If my abuser can walk around with his head held high why can’t I? I can and I will. I didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t my fault. I refuse to continue carrying my brother’s shame. The shame belongs to him, not me. I drop it today and God forbid I pick it back up.

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The Courage to Speak

5-13-11

Lately I’ve really thrown myself into prayer more than I have in a very long time. I know that God wants us to ask for the things we need, though he knows better than we do what we need. I’ve been telling God my desires to do something big for him. I feel like he has something amazing planned for me that involves my testimony. I’ve noticed how, in just the past few days, God has taken that request and desire of mine and shown me things I didn’t think I was capable of. I’ve talked about some of those instances already. Mostly, what I’ve noticed is that God has opened my mouth. I’m not afraid to tell people my testimony and share my relationship with God. Yesterday I visited my aunt next door. I used to visit her a lot and we’d talk about random things for hours. She’s a housewife and homebound because she doesn’t have a driver’s license. It doesn’t seem to bother her, I’d go crazy. I ended up telling her my testimony, how I’d been abused and raped and God’s been healing me. I talk about God, but I don’t “overdo it” if that makes sense. I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable and not understand me. I try to communicate things in a practical way that would relate to the person I’m talking to. I don’t know how successful I am with that though. God should be shared with people, but I disagree with shoving God down people’s throats. It’s their personal decision to accept him or reject him. I don’t think people should be pressured because the decision should come from their heart.

What’s really amazed me is how God has given me peace and calmed me when I tell my testimony. I used to get worked up something awful. I wanted to share my testimony but at the same time I was scared to death of rejection and not being believed. I was so ashamed about what happened to me. Now I’m able to let my guard down with more people and share what God has done in me. My aunt was surprised when I told her, but understanding. Our conversations together had never really reached this depth before so we both had to adjust to that. It opened up our conversation to the possibility of other deep subjects. Later the same day my sister had a friend over. While my sister did her friend’s nails we all talked about anything and everything. Her friend mentioned my abuser offhandedly. I don’t remember the context. I was alarmed that she knew him, but it’s not really a big neighborhood. I’d just thought he’d been away when she moved down. She has a boyfriend, so I wasn’t worried about a possible romantic relationship between her and my abuser, but all the same, I was concerned. I’m living proof that he doesn’t need a romantic relationship to attempt and/or complete a sexual assault. He abused me since I was about 9, off and on, until I was about to turn 18. I told my sister’s friend to never be alone with him. She asked me why, just out of curiosity. I surprised myself by being able to tell her frankly. I said “He’s a rapist.” I told her that it happened to me and that he’s had other victims that I didn’t find out about until I broke the silence and told. It’s amazing how when one person breaks the silence, others find it easier to break the silence as well. I hope no one else has to ever find out what he’s capable of by experience. As far as I know I’m his only rape victim and that offense was repeated. As far as I know he’s sexually abused other girls (who are safe from him now) but he’s never raped someone else. Of course, he denies all of this and will deny it until he’s blue in the face. But God has shown me that I don’t have to wait for him to face the truth. Though an honest apology and promise that it will never happen again from him would be tremendously healing for both of us, I can heal without his cooperation. Nothing is too hard for God. There isn’t a wound, physical, psychological, or spiritual, that he can’t heal. Of this, I am also living proof.

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Healing Through a Teacher's Concern

5-10-11

Today my sister needed me to drive her to school in the middle of the day. Apparently they had nothing for the seniors to do during state testing so they didn’t have to come to school until lunch time. After saying bye to her I walked around the school for awhile and talking to some of my high school teachers. I thought that since I just graduated college, it was an appropriate time to visit them. J I visited one of my English teachers and then my Visual and Performing Arts teacher. He was my dance instructor. I was a dancer in high school. It’s one of those things that sets me on fire and makes me feel like I’m flying. I don’t get to dance much these days, but I had such an awesome time on the dance team in high school.

Later, I ran into my U.S. History teacher. He was one of my very favorite teachers when I was in high school and I always felt safe around him, though I didn’t trust many males. We started talking about God and hard times in life and I told him that I’d had PTSD most of the time I was in college. He was stunned and asked me why. I told him that I was abused; I didn’t specify what kind of abuse. He was shocked and asked me who, so I told him. I was surprised that he asked questions because a lot of people are really uncomfortable with talking about sexual abuse. He asked for more information, not in a creepy, invasive way but out of true concern. I told him that I had been raped more than once, told my last semester of high school, and fell completely apart. He gave me a hug and expressed concern for my well being. I know now that, had I told him when I was in high school, he would have definitely taken me seriously. The thought never occurred to me back then. I couldn’t even tell my own father, I had to tell a female. Just like when my psychology professor’s daughter hugged me, when I talked about the abuse with my history teacher I felt God take a hold of my heart and heal a deep part of me that had been broken. God is so amazing and mysterious in the way that he heals us. My history teacher was the first man that I told, in person, that I was sexually abused. I was able to talk about it with him and I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t go numb, I didn’t have panicked thoughts that he would somehow hurt me because I had to become vulnerable to tell him. I felt completely safe. It was really powerful and healing. God works through so many different people in so many different ways to accomplish his plans. I’m just so amazed at how God is working in my life right now. It reminds me of a Bible verse “‘For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.’” (Jeremiah 29:11).

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Great Reading Material

5-8-11

I finished Bethany Hamilton’s book, Soul Surfer, today!!! It is an amazing book! The book showed me how she struggled with healing emotionally from the attack. She’s the strongest woman I know and reading her own words about how she struggled is really encouraging to me. When I first watched the movie I felt that she barely struggled at all, especially compared to me struggling to heal from abuse. It kinda made me feel somehow weak, but I knew that wasn’t the message the movie was meant to tell. There was more to it and reading her honest thoughts on the subject of her attack and healing, I got a better picture of it. Yes, she did struggle, but she trusted God and that’s what got her to where she is today. I’ve been actively trusting God in my healing for 4 ½ years and God has done amazing things in my life. I never thought I could smile, relax, breath, dance, or open up to people the way I do now. Now, I truly live.

Today I was reading my Bible and I came across the story of the sinful woman who washed and anointed Jesus’ feet (Luke 7:36-50). Jesus was dining at the house of a Pharisee. This woman washed his feet with her tears, wiped them dry with her hair, anointed them with expensive oil from an alabaster jar, and never ceased to kiss his feet. Can you imagine kissing the feet of the Lord of the Universe? That thought blew my mind. She had so much faith in God that she abandoned herself to her Lord and worshiped him openly before all the guests at the Pharisee’s house. The Pharisee looked down upon this woman and couldn’t believe that Jesus allowed her to touch him, but Jesus pronounced this woman’s sins to be forgiven. I think this is one of the most beautiful stories in the Bible.

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Graduating College

5-7-11

Today I graduated college with a Bachelor of Science degree for psychology and religion. A lot of hard work went into reaching this day. However, I wouldn’t have walked across that stage if it hadn’t been for God. My freshman year of college I developed delayed onset chronic PTSD. This disorder would stay with me until the last half of the fall semester of my senior year. I went years without the ability to fully feel emotion or even physical sensation. I numbed out. I experienced flashbacks of the abuse. The memories of rape were the hardest to go through during this time. I had panic attacks, hyper vigilance, and a constant fear that someone would hurt me again like my brother had. During my freshman year the pain got so bad that I often contemplated suicide. I lost a lot of the will to live. If I had not numbed out, I would have been constantly weeping for the hurt, pain, shame, and lack of support I felt from my family. I know my family loves me, but at the time (unbeknownst to me) most of my family didn’t know about the abuse. I thought word had spread since I had told my parents my senior year of high school. The lack of reaction, support, reassurance, and protection took a lot out of me. I felt, essentially, alone with my pain. I hated myself to the very core. I believed so strongly that it was somehow my fault, some deficiency in myself that had caused the abuse and that made my family not want to help me or protect me. I felt marked by the abuse and unworthy of love or affection from anyone.

God was not going to let me go. He had and still has a plan for my life. The very day that I thought I could take the pain no more and held a knife to the underside of my arm God sent someone to me. I held that knife to my arm for a while, intending to cut a deep line down the underside of my forearm, up to my wrist. I’d heard that was the way to do it. But with that knife to my arm I heard God screaming in my head “Don’t do it!!!” I ended up closing the knife and throwing it across the room, away from me. I then ran out of my dorm room and down the sidewalk towards the cafe. I ran into the youth pastor for one of the local churches. I knew him from being a leader in my high school First Priority club. He asked me how I was doing. I finally decided to be honest and tell him that I was really struggling. He told me to come talk to him in his church office sometime. Not long after that I found myself in a side room of the church building with him, talking about what was going on. At that moment when I needed to let everything spill out, I found that I could not speak. All I could do was cry. I never got to tell him what was wrong, but he gave me the number for a female college senior that I could talk to. I later told him that I felt suicidal through an email. I also met with the college minister and talked with him. I wasn’t able to tell him much either, I was so numb, so hurt, and so ashamed that the words I needed to say would not come out. He directed me to a lady who could set me up with a counselor.

Little bit by little bit, I got better. At least, I got to the point that I no longer wanted to take my own life. I decided to just try living one day at a time and trusting God with my life.

Healing was gradual most of the time, but I went through many short bursts of healing over the years. I have come so far. To walk across that stage at my own college graduation was so much more than just the celebration of hard academic study and achievement. The real reason for celebration was that I am still alive. I don’t want to take my life and I haven’t wanted to take my life for years. I don’t have PTSD anymore. I’m healing and have healed so much. The best part though is that my faith in and relationship with God has grown a hundred times stronger. People sometimes wonder why God allows the storms of life to happen to his children. Seeing the change in me, I wonder what we would be like if God didn’t use those storms to strengthen our faith and deepen our relationship with Him. If I had to do it all over again, I would still have chosen to heal. Burying the pain only makes things worse. The part of the journey of healing that I’ve come through so far has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. It shook me to my core, broke every part of me, and I had to allow God to heal the broken parts. Imagine having a hurricane, tsunami, tornado, earthquake, and flashflood trapped inside of you all at once with no escape. There is nothing easy about healing from sexual abuse and rape. However, God is greater. His goodness triumphs over every evil. His strength trumps all adversity. His power to heal overcomes every wound, no matter how deep. I am truly blessed and grateful to be alive today. I walk, live, work, and heal in the power and love of my Savior. Without him, I can do nothing, but through Him, I can do all things.

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P.S.- Staying at my dad’s house I no longer have internet service to post to my blog regularly. Instead I am writing posts on Microsoft Word at home and posting them when I can get to town and get a signal.

The Healing Touch of a Child

Today God chose to act in my life using a child. God is always surprising me like that. One of my psychology professors invited my roommate and me to her house for dinner today. My roommate and I were bringing our 3DS for her three kids to see. They had yet to see it and were ecstatic when they finally got it in their hands. Earlier this month (or late last month) I gave my box set of A Series of Unfortunate Events to my professor so she could give it to her daughter (I'll call her K). K was reading the books and absolutely loved them. It was going to be a surprise. My professor chose to reveal that surprise while we were at her house. When K opened the box and saw the books her expression of delight was so genuine and free. I struggle with showing true emotions, so it was amazing to see her reaction. Then, she surprised me. She came over to me and hugged me. It wasn't one of those polite, brief thank you hugs. She grabbed a hold of me and held on tight. To understand the impact of this act, you need some background information. I've been terrified of small children since I started healing from my abuse. Children made me feel uncomfortable. They were so small and vulnerable. I was so afraid of somehow hurting them that I distanced myself from them. I was afraid to stand close to them, afraid to hug them, talk to them, or let them touch me in any way. It wasn't my feelings of safety that concerned me, I was scared out of my mind for their safety. I visibly shook when my roommate's little brother jumped into my lap unexpectedly at her house. I knew I would never and could never purposely hurt them. It was irrational. When K hugged me, God grabbed a hold of my heart and started to heal a deep part of me. I was really hesitant, then I hugged back gently, but when she didn't let go I hugged tighter. It's amazing how one simple act can affect the heart so much. I was confused and didn't quite understand what was going on in my heart. Later the same day we joined the family at the ball park in town. Her two sons were on little league teams. Before we left to go back to our dorm K hugged me again. This time she hugged me even longer and harder. She did this several times, and I hugged her back with less and less hesitation each time. I realized that somehow this little girl was healing part of my heart. I wanted so much to drop my guard and just hug her, but I still feared somehow hurting that beautiful little girl. I'm fighting tears writing this because it affected me so strongly. She started the healing process in that hurt part of my heart. God works in such mysterious and unexpected ways.

What K did today made me really start to examine why I started to fear children in the first place. My thoughts are that the self blame for the abuse still had a hold on me. I feared children because of some unconscious idea in my head that I was bad and if they were around me they would get hurt. When K hugged me I started to realize that I'm not bad. I'm not the one who hurt people. The abuse was not my fault. I would never and could never hurt a child like I was hurt. Seeing this now I can finally throw off the conviction that children aren't safe around me. That belongs to my abuser, not me. I didn't hurt an innocent, vulnerable person. I was the innocent, vulnerable person that was hurt. I don't know how to begin to describe how freeing it feels to know that I'm not dangerous, that children are safe with me. I actually actively protect them, watching out for threats that could harm them. I couldn't see this through the conviction that I was the dangerous one. I want to thank God for showing this to me and for healing that hurting part in my heart. I also want to thank K for being God's chosen vessel in his work of healing. God is so amazing. He is definitely doing something HUGE in my life right now. May all the praise go to Him. I play only a small part in this. I am willing and working to heal, but God is the one who does the healing. :)

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Making Progress

So I've had a pretty awesome day today. Events were pretty normal, well, as normal as finals week gets lol. This changed perspective on life has had far reaching effects. I can see everything so differently. I've broken out of my cage of pain and shame and it feels amazing!!! It feels so good to smile, really genuinely smile and laugh and not feel uncomfortable. I find myself happy for no apparent reason and thinking about all the good things in life. My heart bursts with love and thanks for what God has done in me. I'm also more active and healthy. With this new perspective and resolve I see myself as a beautiful creation of God who deserves to be healthy. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and each day I find myself wanting more and more to take care of this temple. I've been spontaneous and joined my friends on trips to the library, walmart, the cafeteria, around campus (plenty of socializing and walking). I'm up and moving around so much more than I was just a few days ago. I also have an appetite again. I've gone for about a year without one. On a good day I might have gotten hungry for one meal. Now, I'm hungry when I'm supposed to be. Eating is not a chore anymore. I no longer dread meal times. I'm also eating healthier. Today I surprised myself by choosing not only healthy portions, but healthy food options in the cafe today. My plate for supper was a full half fruits and veggies! Another quarter was rice w/ carrot and pineapple (interesting mix, I know lol they try). The last quarter was sesame seed chicken. I'm stoked about this! I'm full of so much joy and hope for the future. It is just so amazing living without the shame of abuse constantly overshadowing me. I said it on this blog, it's out there now and no one so far has reacted with disgust towards me. I feel so empowered to live my life to the fullest I possibly can on this earth. This is such a stunning change in me I'm surprised I'm not outwardly glowing. The Bible talks about God filling your cup to overflowing. That's how I feel right now. I'm full of fierce joy, triumph, love, peace, and hope. My middle name is a hawaiian name, by doing some research a long time ago I found out that it means "blessed." Right now I truly feel blessed. I am literally so full of joy that I'm about to cry. The feeling is so wonderful and I wondered during the grueling years of suffering from abuse and then the hard years of healing from the abuse if I would ever feel this way again. God's timing is perfect. If I could have bypassed on the hard work of trying to heal and jumped straight to this feeling I wouldn't have done it. Now I have the joy and peace plus the understanding, strength, and courage it takes to survive and actively heal from sexual abuse and rape.

I know it's an awkward topic and I said it wouldn't be my only topic on this blog. I want to assure anyone reading this blog that I'm not afraid to talk about it and I'm open to questions. If someone reading this has a similar story or related story, or just needs someone to listen, I am more than happy to be there. I am only a comment or facebook message away. Even if your past has no trauma in it and you are just curious or want to talk, I'm completely open to it. The defeat of shame in my life has broken the chains that have held me in silence for so long. Now, thanks to God, I'm a force to be reckoned with. My strength and faith come from God. I know this because I could not have pulled myself out of the pit I was in. I am a classic case of divine intervention, and I'm proud of it!

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May you be blessed today

-Faith_inpresentdarkness

Blessings in Abundance

So, I've been looking at my life differently lately and it has changed my perspective. I tend to focus on what I do wrong. My failings are ever before my eyes. You know how it feels when you can't see the good in you for all the bad? Well, I saw a movie two Thursdays ago that has had a huge impact on me. It's called Soul Surfer (based on a true story). It's about a female surfer in Hawaii, named Bethany Hamilton, who was attacked by a shark at the age of thirteen. The shark bit off her entire left arm. Despite this she trusted God in her struggles, didn't give up on her dream of becoming a pro surfer, and in the end learned that God enabled her to reach millions of people through her injury and courage. Bethany Hamilton is now 21 and a pro surfer. She is continuing to inspire others around the world who have suffered trauma. The message that this movie shared helped me to see with new eyes. Bad things happen to people, but God makes the bad into a good and uses our wounds and struggles to strengthen us and others. He turns bad things into opportunies to share his truth, life, and gospel. I knew this already, but seeing the story of someone who lives it out today really opened my eyes to this truth. Bethany's faith in God is amazing. I think the most amazing thing about her faith in God is that it isn't passive. She acted on her faith, though she couldn't see the big picture. She didn't just wait around, she worked towards her dream and took her walk with God one day at a time.

Having suffered from trauma in the past, Bethany's story really hit home for me. I am a survivor of incest. My older brother sexually abused me for many years and raped me more than once when I was around 13-14. I developed delayed onset chronic post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) my freshman year of college. Within just the past year, I can now say that I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for PTSD. I still struggle with some issues of self esteem, confidence, body image, anger, and anxiety, but I have come so far in my healing. Bethany's story helped me to look beyond simply healing from the trauma to looking to how I can use what happened to me to share God with others. I decided years ago that I want to be a counselor and help fellow survivors of sexual trauma, however, I wasn't getting the big picture. Yes, it's great that I want to help other survivors like me, but God can work through my experience to reach more than just one specific subgroup of trauma survivors. Just as Bethany's story spoke to me, my story can speak to others who don't necessarily share my experience. Being sexually abused and/or raped can seriously damage self image, confidence, relationships, and especially future marriage and having children. Working through the pain and struggling to heal is a huge job. There is nothing easy about it. So I guess, in a way, my story is similar to Bethany's. I haven't given up and I never lost faith in God. Instead I work actively, every day, to heal from the trauma. I am also reaching for my dream: to be confident, to look at myself and see beauty, to meet and marry my future husband and trust him, to have children and be close and nurturing to them, to have deep, enduring, loving relationships with others, to be myself and not be ashamed, to share God's love with the world.

Looking at my life differently also led me to see the good things in me and in my life. I am surrounded by so much of God's blessings, grace, hope, peace, love, and mercy. I have gone from being a hurting, heartbroken girl with PTSD in a dysfunctional family to a healing woman with a healing family. God has blessed me in so many ways, I don't know if I can even scratch the surface in this blog post. Every day I see more of God's love for me and every day I love God a little more. I see my family healing from past dysfunctional ways of acting; I see my connection to and communication with my family growing stronger. God is so good and I know that it was in his plan for a young girl attacked by a shark in Hawaii to, years later, reach a woman healing from sexual trauma. God is just awesome like that.

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May God bless you abundantly, as he has blessed me.

-Faith_inpresentdarkness