Not a Permanent Crazy

I haven't gone to bed yet. Late nights tend to be a thing with me when I'm not well. I guess this is what I'll call it, "not well." I've been in my right mind and I've been lost in the darkness of memories, depression, and numbness. This feeling is temporary. Satan tries and tries to convince me that it's permanent, but Jesus always carries me through the dark places back to the light. I'm so convinced of the darkness when I'm in it. When I am myself again, when I can see clearly again, I'm always amazed at how I believed lies and felt so alone. So I'm going to walk on water, walk by faith. It must take a lot of faith for a physically blind person to walk. I think, in some way, I can understand that. I'm blind right now, emotionally/psychologically. I can't see the truth that I stand on, but I still trust it. I choose it. If Peter had been blind when Jesus called him out on the water, by faith Peter would still have walked on water. He might have even walked further than he did because, being blind, he wouldn't have taken his eyes off Jesus to look at the waves. Maybe Jesus is teaching me to not put my trust in understanding the truth, but to put my trust in the One who is the Truth. When I was younger I coped with things by trying to always understand them. I wasn't always successful, but I was adamant about finding patterns and meanings in things. Maybe that's part of the trying to understand how the people who are supposed to protect you hurt you instead. I don't know. These days I tend to trust Jesus more and my understanding less. It's like the verse finally got from my head to my heart: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I don't know exactly where that verse is in the Bible. I think it's in Proverbs. Sometimes I'm delighted to find that scripture is in my heart before it's in my head. I don't always know where to locate the verses, but I know it's in the Bible and I can always look it up and there it is, word for word what was in my heart. This happened once in the middle of a Wednesday night church service. I went to the church across the road from my house for Wednesday nights. Our youth leader was teaching and he had all us teenagers in the front row of the church instead of our usual back pew. He was talking about a verse of scripture that showed us that Jesus turns our bad circumstances into good things. I was a shy kid, I rarely ever spoke in front of a lot of people. He wanted someone to speak up and tell him the verse. I knew exactly what he was talking about. I had the words of the verse in my heart. Then something interesting happened. I raised my hand. He pointed to me, and I said "Romans 8:28!" I hadn't memorized that verse beforehand. It must have been Jesus who put the knowledge of book, chapter, and verse in my head. Ever since then, He has revealed to me and expanded what that verse means. It has become my life verse. It goes like this: "For we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." It means that He blesses me with good things, and He causes the bad that happens in my life to turn around and bless me as well. He turns tragedy into victory and pain into joy. I can't lose! The good blesses me and the bad becomes good that blesses me! Isn't God amazing? He blows my mind all the time and I just can't help but fall more and more in love with Him the longer I walk with Him. If anyone reading this is interested in knowing the God I know, please ask me about Him. I'd love to tell you more. Thanks for reading :)

Trying

I'm trying so hard. It's like walking at normal speed in pitch darkness. It's like the leap of faith. Jesus recently told me, just this past Sunday, "Did you know that you're walking on water?" I must be walking on water. I'm trying to not look at the waves and the storm. I'm trying to keep my eyes on Jesus and run to Him with everything. Sometimes, that's so easy. Other times, it's hard just trying to get out of bed. Depression is called a boomerang illness. It is so true! It goes away for a long time. The sun comes back out in your life. You can smile again and feel happy. Then one day, out of the blue, the colors start to bleach out of the world around you again.

I found myself thinking about death today. The day was practically over when the thought hit me that I've been thinking about death all day. Thinking, as if, death was a reality that would be realized very soon. I thought about how I would be remembered. How I would die. It didn't enter into my mind that I might just live to a ripe old age. I was terrified when I realized that I've fallen back into these thoughts. I used to think like this every day. I finally realized I wasn't going to die very soon sometime in college. I'm 25 now and I never saw myself reaching this age. I never saw myself living past 17 really.

I hate that all of this is coming back and slapping me in the face. I know Satan is trying to scare me back into old patterns. He has so much ammunition! So often lately I've forgotten that I don't have to listen to him. The only One I need to hear from is Jesus. Jesus always tells me the truth. He always does what is best for me, no matter what. I'm trying so hard to cling to the things I know to be true. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I feel so alone. Jesus says that I'm never alone. I know it's just a feeling. But feelings can hurt so much. I just feel so isolated. I feel like I can't come to people with the truth of what I'm going through right now. I've gone through it before, nothing really has changed. It worries people and stresses them out. I don't want to do that to people. Gosh, I just want to be held and told that it's going to be okay. Ever since I first told my parents that I was being sexually abused, that's all I've ever wanted. I want someone to just hold me close and whisper softly to me that it's going to be okay and that I am loved. I'm so afraid of driving people away with all that I'm going through, so I hide it, or make it out to not be as serious as it is.

I'm sure that's what the enemy wants. He wants me to isolate myself for fear that the people I love will leave me if they see me like this. I want to stop crying by myself. I want to stop putting on a brave face and minimizing what I'm feeling. How do I do that? How do you just be that honest? I'm scared of losing one person in particular. This person has reassured me over and over that they are not leaving me, that I can't lose them. It gives me hope, but the fear is still there. I guess I just have to take that leap of faith and trust. Trust is so hard. It can feel like you're losing everything even when you're not losing anything.

Your prayers are appreciated. Comments are welcome. I haven't written in so long and I'm not planning on advertising me writing again on facebook. I don't know if facebook has other plans. Stupid site likes to blow a horn every time I do even the smallest thing.

I'm not always like this. I'm so different when I'm actually being myself. It's during the times when I can't see clearly and I lose sight of truth that I need to write, usually anyway. I know I started this blog when I was in a good place. Well, I think I'll go ahead and post this. I'm sure my writing quality is awful, but I'm writing for my benefit. Thank you for reading.

Opening Up

Bleh, I’m sick and I have so much to write about. Let’s be realistic. I’m not going to be able to write about all the things I do or even all the things I plan to write about. That’s life. So I’m just going to write about what I can write about. What’s the biggest thing that has been going on in my life lately? Well, it hasn’t been pleasant. It’s been horrible, interesting, enlightening, and painful. In order for all of this to make sense, though, I have to go back and explain something amazing that happened several days ago. I had gone camping with some of my friends, which is an interesting story in itself. After we packed up and went our separate ways I was hit with a horribly familiar feeling. I couldn’t quite place it because it had been so long since I’d felt it. I was feeling anxiety, a lot of anxiety. My heart and thoughts were racing. My limbs and gut went numb and I drove like a maniac. I didn’t understand what was happening or why I felt the way I did. It was like the few days before then (when I started to have body memories again) had piled up in me and I reached breaking point. I felt isolated and I hurt so bad. I tried to tough it out. I was on the road to my house, so close to my house that I could almost see it. Then I saw him. I saw my abuser’s car as it passed me going the opposite direction. I fell to pieces. I debated a whole lot about what to do. I didn’t feel safe at all. The anxiety was like a horrible countdown clock threatening imminent danger. My thoughts were irrational. Somehow the huge latch Dad put on the door for me looked like a twig and I was sure that it wouldn’t stop my abuser from getting inside. He once took apart a doorknob to get to me. The friend I normally went to for help was really sick that day. I didn’t want to bother her. I knew she cared, but she felt so bad that helping me, no matter how much she wanted to help, would make her feel worse. I had been writing and thinking about all the bad habits and patterns that I had been breaking as I healed. Not asking for help and suffering alone is one of those bad patterns. I decided to take a chance and trust. I texted another good friend of mine. I asked her to pray for me because I was really struggling. She texted back and I opened up to her. I let her know what was bothering me and how I was feeling. Actually, before I started telling her, I hadn’t realized that I was afraid. Truth be told I was terrified. She invited me to her house. She told me she wanted to help and that she wanted me to be safe. It took a lot of convincing on her part. I just find it so hard to believe that I’m not a burden to other people. Trusting my friend and going to her house was one of the best things I did. I could have tried to deal with it alone, but I’ve seen the results of that time and time again and, trust me, it isn’t pretty.

I was super super nervous as I pulled into my friend’s driveway. I was shaking. You know that feeling when you feel like you’re an inch tall? That’s how I felt. I was embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, anxious, hopeful, and desperate. My friend met me at the door. I found it hard to look her in the eyes. It’s hard to do that after you bare your soul to someone, especially if it wasn’t in person. She hugged me. Some wounds are in a place so deep that words alone cannot heal them. This simple act was worth a million encouraging words to me. I was scared and anxious, just like I had been when I told my parents about the abuse. The difference, this time I was met with a reassuring hug. I didn’t have to have it all together; my friend just wanted me to be okay.

We talked . . . a lot. I was shocked by how willing she was to listen because a lot of people would rather distract me from the pain. I have to process it; running from it only postpones it. I found out how closed I’d become as I talked. I was so nervous, so afraid of rejection that I’m sure at some points my voice must have shook. It was hard to talk but I needed to talk about so many things. I talked about the abuse, PTSD, anxiety, how I cope, my parents, etc. Everything is so tied together. I realized that I couldn’t tear down every wall. I could only become vulnerable to a point. I wasn’t able to show how I really felt when I talked. Instead I talked about things in a joking tone and smiled and laughed a lot. I cope using humor a lot. It was either laugh or cry. Crying felt too vulnerable, so I laughed. This may sound strange, but it’s how I protect myself. Sometimes I can’t face everything at once and I have to take things one at a time. In this case I could handle sharing the content but not the emotion that goes with the content.

I decided to break a bad pattern that day and I’m so glad I did. I am so blessed to have opened up to my friend. Having more than just one person to go to when I’m really struggling is really comforting and it makes me feel more sane. When only one person tells you you’re not crazy it’s hard to believe it, especially when you do crazy things and feel like a lunatic. But when two people together agree and tell you you’re not crazy and you’re not bad and you’re not a burden . . . It’s easier to trust what they say and believe them.


This is Simply Life by Faith


-Jerelle