Crap

I’d like to say that the past week with my friends has been nothing but awesome. However, life isn’t often the way you would like it to be. It started Saturday night. My friends and I were spending the night at one of our friend’s houses, playing board games, watching Harry Potter, laughing, drinking coke, and eating cookies. Just like any other of our awesome sleepovers. But this one was different. I was hanging out with my friends when all of a sudden something happened that I thought and hoped would never happen again. Remember how I said that I no longer have PTSD, well, apparently that only means that my symptoms aren’t constant enough to be diagnosed as PTSD. I still have symptoms, just not to the extreme that warrants a diagnosis. That night I started to have body memories again. There’s no nice way of putting it, body memories suck. Body memories are physical sensations of trauma. Nobody will be touching me; I could be all alone in a room and feel hands gripping my wrists or a heavy weight on top of me. To put it bluntly, it’s like being sexually abused all over again without a physical person doing the abuse. Imagine a weight that you can’t push off of you, hands that wander that you can’t fight. Yeah, it sounds scary and disturbing. I know it’s my body remembering what was done to it but it freaks me out. I feel like I’m being hurt again, I feel horrible, invasive things being done to me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. And it’s not limited to just the sexual abuse. A few times I felt the pain of being hit in the head. I fought my abuser. I bit him, kicked him, scratched him, punched him, did all I could do to get him to stop. His response: he hit me. He’d hit me in the head, the shoulder, arm, face, it didn’t really matter to him. He was a football player and weightlifter at the time. He was just careful to not hit me hard enough to leave a mark, didn’t want any incriminating evidence. Can you imagine how hard it is to pretend that you’re fine and laugh and joke with your friends when you feel hands moving up your shirt? You feel all alone. You feel like you’re a freak. You feel like you could burst into tears at any moment and you want so desperately to numb out the feelings. But if you numb out reality will get fuzzy and you find yourself in his room again. You blink hard and shake your head and your friend’s room comes back into focus then flickers back into your abuser’s room. You want to tell your friends, you want to reach out for help but you’re afraid they’ll think you’re crazy.

Nothing I do makes the body memories go away. They come and go as they please. When I feel them, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to fight. With body memories there’s no physical person to fight off of you, no way you can run away. What do you do with the fight or flight response? How do you act normal if you’re with people? I don’t know and the best I can do is try to hide it, clench my fists tight, breath, and look around the room I’m in to try to ground myself in the present. What I really want, and this is really really hard to write, I long for someone to just hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay. Nobody told me that after I told about the abuse. Neither of my parents reassured me or hugged me. They asked me endless questions and watched me cry and I didn’t understand and still don’t understand why they never comforted me, not even a pat on the shoulder. I guess they were in shock, I mean nobody expects one of their children to abuse the other.

Sorry this isn’t a very cheerful post. I can’t hold all of this inside indefinitely. It has to come out and how do you go about having a conversation about body memories with a friend? It sounds like it would be really uncomfortable for the listener and I don’t want to burden someone like that. Sometimes, when this PTSD crap happens and I feel crazy . . . it’s really lonely. Crying alone is one of the worst things ever.

You’ve been reading Simply Life by Faith

-Jerelle

Friends, Pong, and Tea Parties

5-?-11

Okay, so I think I’ve figured out how to do this. So much has happened this past week that there’s no way that I can talk about it all. Therefore, I’m going to hit some of the big things that happened, definitely not all because that would be impossible. The first major highlight was finding out that I’m related to one of my very best friends. One of her father’s cousins passed away and the funeral was held at my home church. Her father’s cousin turned out to also be my father’s cousin. It was so awesome finding out that I’m related to such an awesome person. I was surprised, though, by how happy my friend was to find out we’re related. See, I have a strong inferiority complex. Her excitement when she told me puzzled me, but it also started to correct the skewed image I have of myself. I don’t know if I’ve just healed to the point that I can start to accept the good things my friends say about me or if God chose this particular friend to break through the lies I believe about myself. Instead of arguing with her when she says something that contradicts the lies, I find that I can’t honestly believe the lies when she contradicts them. My arguments get stuck in my throat and the voices in my head that used to scream the lies louder when challenged are silenced. I have much more to say about this amazing friend of mine, but I’m saving it for a whole post of its own.

Another highlight, though not as cool, was playing the Atari for the very first time. I played Pong! I’ve wanted to try Pong for a long time because it’s like the very beginning of video games. I expected it to be super easy, I mean how hard can batting a dot back and forth be? I was greatly mistaken. Pong is a very simple game but it challenged me. The little line I controlled to hit the dot moved much slower than the dot did and the dot would bounce off the sides of the screen in unpredictable ways. I had to focus on prediction and reaction time. The game wasn’t really hard, but the simplicity, complexity, and addictiveness of it impressed me. I would definitely play it again and not just because of its historical value.

Another one of my awesome friends decided to have a tea party before she left for her mission trip. We had hot tea, cold tea, and strawberry lemonade. The menu included enchilada soup, cookies, cake, donuts, cinnamon rolls, and dessert. My friend wanted our time together as a group to be meaningful and constructive. One really cool thing we did was make blue jean bracelets. She passed out strips of denim material and we wrote on our strip a goal that we had for this summer, something we wanted to be lifted up in prayer. On mine I wrote “Learn how to use my past to share God with others.” After writing our goal we put our denim strips in a bowl and mixed them up. We then drew at random a strip that wasn’t our own, twisted it, and tied it on our wrist as a bracelet. The bracelet would remind us to pray for one another, particularly the person whose strip we drew. We wrote down that person’s goal so we could remember it and pray for that person to reach her goal. I think it’s an awesome way for us to lift each other up in Christ. After that, our friend decided to wash our feet. Washing feet is an imitation of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. It symbolizes love, humility, and the cleansing of sins. As she came around to each one of us, she prayed for us individually. When she came to me she thanked God for my humor and how I can always make her laugh. That touched me because I love to make people laugh. Seeing someone smile and laugh is one of the most beautiful things on earth. At the same time I was a little sad because my friend led up to thanking God for my humor by saying that we haven’t had a lot of deep talks. I am a very deep person. I love to have deep talks, learn about my friends, and share my life with others. I could not live without going deep. Her comment made me really think about how much I open up to people and go deep with them. I realized that I haven’t really opened up to her or really any of the friends sitting there with me besides my roommate. I used to open up to other people, but lately I’d withdrawn and held people at arms length. Then I realized that I didn’t open up to them because I was too busy protecting myself from further harm. Though I’m a deep person, I was hurt on a very very deep level in my past. I was afraid to open up to my friends, afraid for them to see the real me. I may act like everything is fine and I’m doing great, but a lot of the time I’m not okay and I hurt terribly. I hide the hurt because a little voice in my mind tells me that if my friends really knew the real me, they’d leave, they’d hate me. I can’t explain why they would leave and why they would hate me. It’s an irrational thought and I’ve healed so much to even be able to recognize that as an irrational thought. Before this I hadn’t realized how high and thick my protective walls were. I let people only get so close to me. I don’t want that. I want to open up to people. I want to break down my walls and let people in, it’s just a really scary thing to do because once I let the walls down other people are free to either love me or hurt me. The love sounds wonderful, but the possibility of being hurt by one of my friends is an unbearable thought, and it’s happened before. Once you’re betrayed by someone close to you, someone you call a friend, it’s hard to make yourself vulnerable to another person who could do the same if he/she wanted.

I was so glad that God showed me this about myself. He chose to show me through a friend’s prayer. I have a lot of respect and admiration for this particular friend. She does and says a lot of funny things and that’s awesome and I love that about her. The big thing, however, is her humility and great desire to reflect Jesus. She is a woman who has taken her heart and handed it wholly to Jesus. She is a great example of faith and reliance on God. One of the things that really impress me is her resolve and boldness to say what’s on her heart and to share God with everyone she meets. God is not just the big guy upstairs or a God that we just pay attention to on Sunday to her. God touches every part of her life and she’s acutely aware of it. She runs with all her might towards God and I think that’s beyond awesome. She really encourages and challenges me to seek God in everything. I’m glad because everyone needs a friend that isn’t afraid to point them to the only One who can heal their every hurt and overcome every problem.

You have been reading Simply Life by Faith

-Jerelle

Got a lot to say but can't say it

Okay, so I'm really behind in posting. I have so much to talk about and I'm experiencing writer's block. I tried earlier today and I just couldn't make the words come out right. I'm still working on this and hopefully I'll have a few posts posted soon. I've had a crazy and amazing week and it will be impossible to pack it all into one post. It will take a while to write but I'm determined to get it down because a lot of important things happened this past week. I just wanted to let people know that I'm still blogging, but haven't been home in a week.

A Legacy

5-19-11

I’m moved to tears. I just received a very special gift from an elderly couple in my church. Periodically my dad visits them and when my sister and I are with him we go as well. A lot of young people would be bored with visiting older people who talk about how things used to be and reminisce about earlier times in their lives, however, we find what they have to say both important and interesting. Think about it. How much have these two people seen in their lives? How long have they been trusting God? Imagine the wisdom and understanding and experience they have. Instead of an obligation it’s an honor to know and spend time with these faithful children of God. They have been faithful to God for so many years. Me, I’ve been a Christian for about 10 years. That’s just a small fraction compared to them. So, in a way, they are Christian mentors to my family. All of my great grandparents have passed away and that makes our relationship to this couple even more enriching. This couple couldn’t afford to buy something or give money for my graduation. Instead they pieced together a very thoughtful package of Christian books and sources. One thing that really touched me was my great grandparents’ funeral cards and obituaries tucked inside one of the books. My great grandparents’ were spiritual giants in my eyes. Both were leaders in our small church and it’s because of them that I was raised hearing about Jesus and his love for me. It was their gentle influence, flowing through our family, which led me to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Out of all the decisions I’ve made in my life, even the decision to heal from abuse, making Jesus the Lord of my life has been the greatest and best decision I’ve ever made. My great grandparents’ have left a legacy of following Christ and trusting God in all things great and small. Including their funeral cards and obituaries in the gift seemed to say “They left a legacy and you are continuing that legacy.” That really touched me. I’ve never really counted myself as very important, but seeing the fruit, being the fruit, of the efforts of my great grandparents changed my perspective. They impacted many generations after them and I have the same potential. Just as God worked in them God is working in me. It isn’t our individual abilities and strengths that impact the world for God, it’s our surrender to and faith in God that enables us to show the world God’s light, like a lamp on its stand, like a city on a hill.

You have been reading Simply Life by Faith

Faith_inpresentdarkness

He is my security

5-18-11

Today I rolled out of bed to answer my cell phone. It was my roomie, Jancee (check out her blog http://www.nerdycollegekid.blogspot.com/). What she told me started out sounding like bad news, but then God helped me to see the real situation. Jancee called the apartment complex that we were planning on moving into this morning to check when we could come up and sign the lease for the apartment. The apartment we had set our sights on is no longer available. They told us that the people who had been living in that particular apartment were being evicted because they couldn’t pay the rent. However, the man who owns the apartment complex is a very kind-hearted and understanding man. He was working with the people, not wanting to have to evict them. One of them found a job lately and now they are able to pay the rent again and won’t be evicted. At first, I was really irritated that we seem to have lost a lot of progress towards finding an apartment. I was hoping to hear that we could come up as soon as possible to sign the lease. However, God helped me see the situation with a better perspective. The people who live in that apartment were struggling and came really close to being without a home. They are people just like my roomie and me, people that need a safe place to live. If they had been thrown out how could I really justify rejoicing over having an apartment? Instead God worked it out so that they can now pay the rent and still have a roof over their heads. I think that’s something to celebrate and be happy about. My roomie and I are still looking for a place to stay, but I’m not worried. I realized that I was relying on our human strength and resources to get a place to live before all the available places are taken. Now I can see that my roommate and I finding an apartment is in God’s hands. He provides for his children. No matter what happens, I will trust him with his plan for me. I don’t know what his plan is or where it will take me, but I have faith that his plan is best. I know he will take care of us and the situation we’re in is not a setback but a step closer to his plan for us.

You have been reading Simply Life by Faith

-Faith_inpresentdarkness

Double Protection

12:37 AM 5-18-11

Remember the shiny new deadbolt that my dad put in the door for me? Well, now it’s a huge shiny new metal latch. It screams protection it’s so big. Dad’s going to take out the deadbolt he put in and put the old one back so we can all still lock the door securely so no one can break into our house while we’re away (that’s always a plus! Lol). Dad said he’s going to put the new deadbolt on the other door instead. Wow, double protection! I’d thought about the other door. I’m sure my brother has a key or some way of getting through it, but I forced myself not to think about it because I knew it would bother me. Now I’ll have that metal latch on one door and the new deadbolt on the other. My brother can’t unlock either so you can bet I’m stoked! I feel surrounded by affirmation and protection now. I’ve thought about taking a picture of the new latch and posting it here so you can see the hugeness of it. Actually, I’d like to take pictures in general and share them on my blog. I wonder if you can do that. Well, I guess that’s an experiment for the next time I go to town and get an internet signal. Well, I hate to keep it so short but it’s late and I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow so I’m calling it a night.

You have been reading Simply Life by Faith

Faith_inpresentdarkness

New Deadbolt, Bethany Hamilton, and Compassion International

5-17-11

Hooray!!! I came home yesterday to find a shiny new deadbolt on the door! That was fast! I’ve noticed a marked difference in my sleep and ability to relax. It’s great knowing that you’re protected. Even more awesome than knowing I’m protected is the fact that my dad wants to protect me. That does wonders for my self esteem. Every time I see that new deadbolt on the door it reminds me that I’m worth protecting.

In other news, yesterday I finally got to town again and was able to publish the blog posts I’ve been writing at home. I got to check my email too. Funny, we take being able to get on the internet and check email and facebook for granted when we have internet regularly. However, when we find ourselves in a place with no internet signal for a prolonged amount of time that time on the internet becomes more precious. I did get an update on Bethany Hamilton. I signed up for her monthly newsletter (the coconut wire) on her website. She’s stoked about Soul Surfer’s release in theaters. She also competed in a surf competition lately but didn’t do as well as she had wanted to. She expressed a little bit of discouragement because she’s surfing the best she’s ever surfed in her life but it didn’t show in that competition. I guess that just goes to show that even the best of us get discouraged at times. I do hope that she is encouraged to keep doing her best. She surfs more beautifully than I’ve ever seen anyone surf before. It takes real talent, dedication, and heart to do what she does.

I got an email from Compassion International about my Compassion child, Watson. I sponsor a little boy in Haiti. The sponsor money pays for his food, clothing, education, and medical care. It’s an awesome organization. His birthday is coming up soon and Compassion gave me the option of sending him a birthday gift! The way this works is I give a certain amount of money and the organization buys him an age appropriate gift. Though that email made me happy that I was able to do something for Watson’s birthday it also showed me how little I actually do for the poor in the world. I sponsor one child living in poverty. I decided to sponsor Watson when I had less money than I do now and less of an opportunity to make any more money. I’m blessed to have more money now. I don’t go from paycheck to paycheck anymore and I’ve been working on my savings account. I just feel like there’s so much more I could be doing to help others than what I’m currently doing. Right now I’m blessed with more time and money than I need myself. I don’t know what to do but I just have a strong desire to minister to the needs of others and share God’s love. God blesses us so that we can share those blessings with others. So, I’ve been asking God what he wants me to do. I don’t want to just run off in any random direction to serve others. When I’m blessed with the time to bless others I’m sure God has something in mind. I want to be where he wants me to be, doing what he wants me to do. The most fulfilling thing I can do with my life is to follow God’s path for me. He’s got it all figured out and planned. I just have to trust him. I’m in good hands. J

You have been reading Simply Life by Faith

-Faith_inpresentdarkness