It's a strange thing how what happens to someone you love can affect you so deeply. Yesterday one of my very best friends in the world got into a horrible car wreck which totaled both cars involved, but did not hurt her. That in itself is a miracle. I would wreck all the most expensive cars in the world and have to pay for them just to have her safe and uninjured from that wreck. God is so good to us. The interesting thing is that I've been affected by this more than I thought I would. Of course when I first heard I was terrified. Once I learned that she was okay and unhurt I went into a sort of shock. Things like this take us by surprise. Life is so fragile and most of us never really give that a lot of thought. However, I've lost two friends in my life due to unexpected events. One passed away during open heart surgery, the other in a car wreck on the interstate. I can see in my mind the wreck turning out differently and my friend not coming out unharmed and it terrifies me. We think that stuff like that will never happen to us or the people we love but I know from my life that it does happen and when we least expect it.
All yesterday I was restless. I couldn't go back to sleep after hearing what happened. I kept my phone with me at all times waiting for when my friend would call after school. I couldn't play the video game I've been playing lately: Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit. I didn't think I could handle it. There are way too many wrecks and sirens in that game. I wouldn't have been able to play without thinking of my friend every time I saw a wreck or wrecked my car or heard sirens. I paced a lot at work and worried. At the first opportunity I had I called my friend and didn't get off the phone with her until she went to bed. When I hung up I started crying. I was scared that I almost lost her; I was terrified. I felt so helpless in the face of uncertainty. I wanted to protect the people I love but at the same time I knew so deeply that there was nothing I could do. No amount of my protection can keep those I love from harm. I guess this is how parents feel with their children. I guess that's why they're so protective and have so many rules and worries. When I finally pulled myself together I got ready for bed myself, but when I was finally in bed I started talking to God and asking Him to keep my friend safe and thanking Him for protecting her during that wreck. I started crying again.
When I finally drifted off to sleep I had nightmares of my friends and me being in danger. I had dreams with fear and pain and danger and death. I had one dream that I had died many years ago at age 20 and my mother had cloned me and I came back into life as a baby all over again and way telling my friends about it, now at age 22. I know that sounds bizarre. In the same dream a friend and I were traveling somewhere by plane. So many scary things happened in that particular dream. I remember being seated in a seat that faced my friend at the back of the plane, but was several rows away. I remember the plane starting to go down the runway and noticing that my friend's face was behind glass. The plane had a back window for some reason, but my friend was behind the window, outside of the plane. I panicked and yelled out to her but she pulled up the window and somehow pulled a roof over her head, a lot like you would for a convertible car. In a matter of seconds she was safe and sound inside the plane, ready for take off. I was relieved but then the look on her face changed to fear and I noticed that our plane was lifting into the sky, but unsteadily. The cabin rocked and shook and the plane kept tipping backward. Apparently our pilot was trying to get through the unsteadiness by shooting the plane almost vertical into the sky. Shortly we were high in the sky. I had a window seat and outside the window was the ocean for as far as I could see. I started to relax. The plane had steadied, we were horizontal again and I started to think we were going to be okay. Then it happened. The engines suddenly died and the plane dropped out of the sky. Looking out my window I could see the ocean getting closer and closer and inside I was willing for the engines to restart, but they didn't. The ocean was speeding towards us. I was thinking desperately "we're going to be okay, the engines will turn back on before we hit, just like on tv." I was wrong. Just before we hit I passed out. When I came to, the plane was upside down and I could see water. I was still strapped in my seat, which had somehow turned around to face the front of the plane. I turned my head and looked for my friend in the back of the plane and I yelled for her. She was unharmed but scared. Everyone was scared and shaky but afraid to move. Then I heard sirens. I unhooked my seat belt and landed on what felt and looked like a giant air mattress. It was floating on water inside the plane and ran the entire length of the plane. Other people followed my example but when they tried to move on the air mattress thing water would splash everywhere, especially in the back where my friend was. I yelled for their attention and told them to stop moving, that it could do more harm than good and only a small amount of people should move at a time. I made my way to the back of the plane where my friend was but when I got there she was not in her seat, I looked down where the air mattress ended and I saw that she was underwater. I panicked and dived in after her. I pulled her up to safety. She was okay but shaken. I told her it was going to be okay. Then I passed out again. When I came to again rescue workers were pulling me and my friend out of a rescue truck and my mom was there smiling. I woke up soon after that.
This dream was insane. I had several crazy, scary dreams like this last night. I kept waking up and realizing I and my friends were safe and then falling back asleep to dream some new horrible catastrophe. I never have dreams like these. Usually when I have nightmares they're about abuse. I have dreams that I'm running away from my abuser or that he's caught me again and is hurting me. I never have dreams about plane crashes and people trying to hurt my friends. I guess this was my mind's way of trying to work through all my fears and feelings from yesterday.
I guess my conclusion is that we're usually under this crazy illusion that we're in control. That we can protect ourselves and the ones we love from all harm. However, when something unexpected and scary happens we're faced with the fact that we're not in control and bad things can happen at any time unannounced. I guess that's where faith comes in. Remember the old song "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands"? Well God does have the whole world in His hands, and we have to trust Him with the world, including the lives of the ones we love. We can't live in fear, but we can live in faith. And this is where I remember that I prayed for faith. Its crazy sometimes how God works. When we pray for faith He's very likely to put us in situations that require we exercise our faith. He gives us opportunities for our faith to grow. He doesn't just hand us a gift wrapped package of faith, though that would be nice lol. But hey, we're talking about the God and Master of the universe. He created the universe, how could we not trust Him with it? He created every last grain of sand and every last cell of our bodies. And He loves us more than we can possibly imagine. So what's keeping us from trusting Him? Its a deep question.
Simplylifebyfaith
-J
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Back Again
Wow, so it's been a very long time since I posted. Pretty sure I said that last time I posted as well lol. I knew when I started this blog that I wouldn't be any sort of consistent with posting because that just seems to be against my personality and life. I really admire the people that can stick to a blog and post regularly over the months and years, I'm just not one of them lol.
Anyway, what's been going on in my life right now? Well, a lot and not a lot. I'm currently averaging only 8 hours of work a week at my job. That's kinda good and kinda bad. I need the hours because I need the money for rent and essentials. But, on the other hand, there's a lot of blaming and negativity and backstabbing and unfairness that goes on at work, so I'm more emotionally healthy when I'm not at work. I guess it's back to looking for employment *sign*
My health, well, it's taken another turn for the worse. This time its my knees that are affected. I'm seeing several doctors and having several tests done but the only concrete explanation I have right now is that my knee caps, for some unknown reason, have shifted slightly and are no longer in the right positions. That causes them to rub the cartilage the wrong way and wear away valuable cushioning. I'm glad the doctor found that early.
When it comes to my healing from abuse I've made huge strides. God has used several different people to show me His love and nurturing and protection. I've healed so much since my last several posts. I'm in a much healthier place and can now catch glimpses of how God sees me. Those glimpses are wonderful and so different from the lies I've believed my whole life. I don't see them all the time, but I hope someday soon I won't struggle to know the truth and accept it. Some of the things I glimpse during these times is that I'm loved. That God loves me and other people love me. That was such a hard concept to grasp before and it's still not easy for me to understand. I also see that I deserve protection. This one has been a tough one because I went through abuse believing it was my fault and therefore I deserved what I got. Its taken some hard work and convincing by friends that me deserving abuse is far far far from the truth. One of the best illustrations a friend gave me was asking me to think about my future children. Now, if someone hurt my children, would they deserve it. If their situation was exactly as mine had been, would they deserve it? NO! One huge lie that I've been fighting and losing against for many years is the lie that I'm dirty. I believed when I was little that since my abuser touched me in places he wasn't supposed to that it made me dirty. I thought I was contaminated and ruined. Now sometimes I can see what my friends keep telling me is true, that I'm clean. The abuse didn't make me dirty, it hurt me, but it didn't change who I am. Along with this truth I've come to catch glimpses of another truth, that I'm innocent. I've felt guilty for being abused for years. I know that statement may be hard to understand, but I felt wrong and bad about what my abuser was doing to me. I felt that it must be my fault that it was happening. There's a lot of psychology that goes into such a misattribution of guilt and fault. I was young and couldn't take care of myself. My abuser was sometimes my babysitter and, anyway, he was always around, a constant presence in my life. My mind couldn't take in that I couldn't escape the abuse. Can you imagine a child's mind absorbing the fact that nothing they can do can keep them from being molested and raped and hit? Therefore I came up with the belief that I was causing the abuse and must have somehow wanted it. I never wanted it. I was terrified when it was happening. I was confused and hurt. I didn't know what to do and there was nothing I could do. Even this explanation is helping me see the truth more clearly that I am innocent. My abuser did something wrong to me; I didn't do anything wrong. I was a victim, not a participant.
I'm opening up more now and trusting and believing the truth. It's that wonderful part of healing when, after you're about to give up hope that you'll ever be okay again, you suddenly see the light and a ton a progress comes so fast that it makes you dizzy. I can see so much more clearly now. I can go back and read messages and comments from years ago (changed to timeline profile on facebook lol) and they make so much more sense. I can read them and see that the person who wrote it really did care and wasn't just being nice. I could honestly see the love and concern where I was numb and couldn't see anything but a sense of obligation and doing the right thing before. This is truly awesome!!! There were people there for me when I didn't even realize anyone cared.
I don't how often I'll be posting, but I just wanted to start up again. I love keeping a blog, I'm just not very good at keeping it up to date when life gets hard and it feels like my PTSD takes over. Thanks for reading :)
Simply Life by Faith
-J
Anyway, what's been going on in my life right now? Well, a lot and not a lot. I'm currently averaging only 8 hours of work a week at my job. That's kinda good and kinda bad. I need the hours because I need the money for rent and essentials. But, on the other hand, there's a lot of blaming and negativity and backstabbing and unfairness that goes on at work, so I'm more emotionally healthy when I'm not at work. I guess it's back to looking for employment *sign*
My health, well, it's taken another turn for the worse. This time its my knees that are affected. I'm seeing several doctors and having several tests done but the only concrete explanation I have right now is that my knee caps, for some unknown reason, have shifted slightly and are no longer in the right positions. That causes them to rub the cartilage the wrong way and wear away valuable cushioning. I'm glad the doctor found that early.
When it comes to my healing from abuse I've made huge strides. God has used several different people to show me His love and nurturing and protection. I've healed so much since my last several posts. I'm in a much healthier place and can now catch glimpses of how God sees me. Those glimpses are wonderful and so different from the lies I've believed my whole life. I don't see them all the time, but I hope someday soon I won't struggle to know the truth and accept it. Some of the things I glimpse during these times is that I'm loved. That God loves me and other people love me. That was such a hard concept to grasp before and it's still not easy for me to understand. I also see that I deserve protection. This one has been a tough one because I went through abuse believing it was my fault and therefore I deserved what I got. Its taken some hard work and convincing by friends that me deserving abuse is far far far from the truth. One of the best illustrations a friend gave me was asking me to think about my future children. Now, if someone hurt my children, would they deserve it. If their situation was exactly as mine had been, would they deserve it? NO! One huge lie that I've been fighting and losing against for many years is the lie that I'm dirty. I believed when I was little that since my abuser touched me in places he wasn't supposed to that it made me dirty. I thought I was contaminated and ruined. Now sometimes I can see what my friends keep telling me is true, that I'm clean. The abuse didn't make me dirty, it hurt me, but it didn't change who I am. Along with this truth I've come to catch glimpses of another truth, that I'm innocent. I've felt guilty for being abused for years. I know that statement may be hard to understand, but I felt wrong and bad about what my abuser was doing to me. I felt that it must be my fault that it was happening. There's a lot of psychology that goes into such a misattribution of guilt and fault. I was young and couldn't take care of myself. My abuser was sometimes my babysitter and, anyway, he was always around, a constant presence in my life. My mind couldn't take in that I couldn't escape the abuse. Can you imagine a child's mind absorbing the fact that nothing they can do can keep them from being molested and raped and hit? Therefore I came up with the belief that I was causing the abuse and must have somehow wanted it. I never wanted it. I was terrified when it was happening. I was confused and hurt. I didn't know what to do and there was nothing I could do. Even this explanation is helping me see the truth more clearly that I am innocent. My abuser did something wrong to me; I didn't do anything wrong. I was a victim, not a participant.
I'm opening up more now and trusting and believing the truth. It's that wonderful part of healing when, after you're about to give up hope that you'll ever be okay again, you suddenly see the light and a ton a progress comes so fast that it makes you dizzy. I can see so much more clearly now. I can go back and read messages and comments from years ago (changed to timeline profile on facebook lol) and they make so much more sense. I can read them and see that the person who wrote it really did care and wasn't just being nice. I could honestly see the love and concern where I was numb and couldn't see anything but a sense of obligation and doing the right thing before. This is truly awesome!!! There were people there for me when I didn't even realize anyone cared.
I don't how often I'll be posting, but I just wanted to start up again. I love keeping a blog, I'm just not very good at keeping it up to date when life gets hard and it feels like my PTSD takes over. Thanks for reading :)
Simply Life by Faith
-J
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Lexington, Changes, and Grief
I know it's been a very long time since I posted. That was due to several factors. First of all, I didn't have my computer. I lent it to my college roommate because her computer stopped working. I didn't have internet at home and I visited her a lot at the dorm so it made the most sense. However, without my computer at home I stopped writing. All the times I felt like writing were times I was home away from my computer. Another reason was that my PTSD got really really bad after my last post and I kinda dropped off the face of blogging. I hurt so badly and I reexperienced my trauma so vividly over the rest of the summer that I was in no shape to keep up a blog. I was honestly doing good to get in one solid meal a day.
Now, I'm not sure that I'm doing much better. I've gone through some really stressful and emotional days lately. I just moved 100 miles away from home. I went from a tiny town to the big city, far away from what I'm used to. My college roommate moved with me and we're splitting the rent and expenses on a little apartment in the heart of the big city. I decided to take a year off school. I couldn't handle moving to the big city, finding a job, working, going to school in another town, and dealing with the level of PTSD that I was going through. It has taken a huge load off my shoulders and I thank those people who helped me make the best decision for me. I am still not fully unpacked. I'm living off my savings and the help of family. I'm looking for a job, I don't care if I have to scrub toilets. I'm satisfied as long as I can pay the rent, utilities, and keep food on the table.
The day after I moved in my great great uncle passed away. Now, he wasn't as old as that sounds. He was around the same age as my grandpa. He was one of the very best people I knew. Even with my past and having PTSD, I NEVER felt unsafe or in danger with him. I always trusted him 100%. I knew I never had to fear this man, though I feared every other man on the planet. He was truly one of the best people in the world. He was so kind and loving and strong. When I think of what a real man and real strength looks like I see him. He's one of the people who, through his example, taught me that not all men will hurt me, that in fact there are good men who will protect me instead of hurt me. I couldn't thank him enough. I didn't see my uncle a lot but God has been showing me how this amazing and wonderful man helped heal pieces of my heart that I thought would never be whole again. In the hospital I couldn't find the words to express to him how I felt and what he had done in my life. I was there with him and his immediate family up to an hour before he passed away. He was so aware of what was going on. He knew it was his time and he faced death bravely. Though he couldn't stand physically in that hospital, I believe he faced death standing. I will miss him so much. I can close my eyes and see his smile and hear his soft voice saying "Hey Hun!" That's how he always greeted me. I don't think he every really called me by my name, but I didn't mind. His soft "Hey Hun!" made me feel cherished and loved for who I was. He always made me feel safer and happier. He was one of those people who, when he walked into a room, everyone felt more at ease. I am honored to call him my uncle. I have been blessed so much having him in my life and I will miss him terribly now that he's gone. However, his courage inspires and strengthens me to face life bravely and meet the challenges I will face standing. So look out big city! Look out PTSD!
-Jerelle
Now, I'm not sure that I'm doing much better. I've gone through some really stressful and emotional days lately. I just moved 100 miles away from home. I went from a tiny town to the big city, far away from what I'm used to. My college roommate moved with me and we're splitting the rent and expenses on a little apartment in the heart of the big city. I decided to take a year off school. I couldn't handle moving to the big city, finding a job, working, going to school in another town, and dealing with the level of PTSD that I was going through. It has taken a huge load off my shoulders and I thank those people who helped me make the best decision for me. I am still not fully unpacked. I'm living off my savings and the help of family. I'm looking for a job, I don't care if I have to scrub toilets. I'm satisfied as long as I can pay the rent, utilities, and keep food on the table.
The day after I moved in my great great uncle passed away. Now, he wasn't as old as that sounds. He was around the same age as my grandpa. He was one of the very best people I knew. Even with my past and having PTSD, I NEVER felt unsafe or in danger with him. I always trusted him 100%. I knew I never had to fear this man, though I feared every other man on the planet. He was truly one of the best people in the world. He was so kind and loving and strong. When I think of what a real man and real strength looks like I see him. He's one of the people who, through his example, taught me that not all men will hurt me, that in fact there are good men who will protect me instead of hurt me. I couldn't thank him enough. I didn't see my uncle a lot but God has been showing me how this amazing and wonderful man helped heal pieces of my heart that I thought would never be whole again. In the hospital I couldn't find the words to express to him how I felt and what he had done in my life. I was there with him and his immediate family up to an hour before he passed away. He was so aware of what was going on. He knew it was his time and he faced death bravely. Though he couldn't stand physically in that hospital, I believe he faced death standing. I will miss him so much. I can close my eyes and see his smile and hear his soft voice saying "Hey Hun!" That's how he always greeted me. I don't think he every really called me by my name, but I didn't mind. His soft "Hey Hun!" made me feel cherished and loved for who I was. He always made me feel safer and happier. He was one of those people who, when he walked into a room, everyone felt more at ease. I am honored to call him my uncle. I have been blessed so much having him in my life and I will miss him terribly now that he's gone. However, his courage inspires and strengthens me to face life bravely and meet the challenges I will face standing. So look out big city! Look out PTSD!
-Jerelle
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Exhausted
I cried the night of the 4th of July, I woke up yesterday and cried, I cried again that evening. Last night I cried for hours before falling to sleep. I got maybe three hours of sleep because I cried so much. Today I woke up early and drove to Lexington to sign the lease on my apartment and pay the deposit money. I hung out at Joseph Beth Bookstore and the Mall with a friend and my sister before driving home. On the way home I relived being raped, while driving. It hurt physically and emotionally. When the reliving died away I became so exhausted from crying and lack of sleep that I almost fell asleep at the wheel. My sister drove to our hometown, but then had to go to work. Now I'm crashing in another friend's room b/c I don't really trust myself to drive home. I hurt, my eyes are swollen from crying last night, I don't feel safe, and I'm EXHAUSTED. That's really all I have to say. It's not really something you can put on your status for facebook.
-Jerelle
-Jerelle
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
PTSD Relapse
I haven't posted in a long time. To be quite honest I'm not okay. I'm in very very familiar territory, but I'm not okay. It's an everyday, every hour thing. . . . My PTSD is back. It's back and it's as strong and horrible as ever. I've held off writing about it because it just hurts so much that acting out, numbing, or distracting myself is easier, no, it makes life liveable. PTSD is a psychological disorder that causes you to relive your trauma. For me, that's obviously rape and molestation. Sorry to be blunt but that's my reality. I relive it every day. I feel it, I hurt, I cry, I try to get away from it and I can't. You can't run away from yourself. There's no real person to fight off of you. The panic attacks, extreme anxiety, flashbacks, hallucinations, disassociations, numbness, they've all come back in full force, maybe stronger than before. Every day I feel like I'm going crazy. I forget to eat all day. I don't sleep until 3 in the morning. I stay out late. I can't concentrate enough even to read Harry Potter (rereading before the last movie). I'm afraid of my own shadow, constantly looking behind me. I'm scared to death all day. My stomach feels like it's trapped in a speeding car after swallowing a ball of ice. I'm a wreck. I used to be really good at pretending and acting like I'm okay so nobody notices I'm crazy, but I can't make myself pretend anymore. I'm sick of pretending. I just hurt so much I can't find words to describe it. I feel so pathetic and alone. I'm silently screaming all day. I want help, but it's so hard to ask for help, to reach out. I can't see things clearly. I can't see that anyone could possibly care about me. Because of this I try my hardest to not make myself a burden to others. I just feel so broken. I know God is putting me back together but I can't feel him. I know he's there and I'll never doubt that he's here with me and has everything under control. I just hurt and it feels like there's no end to this hurt. Sometimes I just want to disappear, not die, just disappear. I just want to be okay again.
-Jerelle
-Jerelle
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Good and the Bad
(trigger and graphic warning)
Yesterday was a crazy day. It started at 4:00AM. I woke up fighting my blanket. I was experiencing hallucinations (I referred to these as body memories in an earlier post). My hallucinations are usually not the visual kind. I hallucinate touch. I feel things that aren’t happening. This particular morning the hallucinations were so strong that they woke me up. It was much more vivid than normal and I had been sleeping. I was vulnerable and when I woke up I was scared to death. There were a few times when I woke up as a child and my brother was abusing me. Imagine how hard it is to fall asleep when you know he can strip you twice as fast if he starts while you’re asleep, then have you already pinned before you know where you are. This morning was much the same except he wasn’t there. I could feel him but he wasn’t actually there. It’s confusing when you feel a heavy weight on top of you but you can still sit up and walk around. It was HORRIBLE. Being sexually abused was bad enough when it was actually happening. Why do I have to keep reexperiencing it?! It’s like the abuse never ended and it’s just continuing to this day. It’s like he’s figured out how to send a phantom version of himself to keep abusing me.
Well, I never got back to sleep. After a while, when I couldn’t handle it alone anymore because it was driving me crazy, I texted a friend. Yeah, I texted a friend at 4-something in the morning, I’m a jerk. She helped me ground myself in the present and in reality. What I was feeling was NOT happening. I was safe in my bed and my abuser was nowhere near me. She told me I was going to be okay. Most of the time, all it takes is another person reassuring me that it’s not real and that I’m safe. Yeah the pain sucks but if I can stay in the present and not dissociate I do much better.
At 6:00AM I got out of bed. I was taking my sister to try for her license and we had to get to the courthouse to get in line. They only take the first ten people. There was only one other test taker waiting at the courthouse doors when we got there. The doors apparently don’t open until 7:00AM so the line starts outside. However, once we got inside we found out that there must have been an unlocked door somewhere or the 6 people in the hallway had stayed the night lol. At 8:00AM they started actually giving the tests (sounds drawn out doesn’t it lol). By about 8:30 it was all over. Unfortunately my sister didn’t pass. I told her that a lot of people don’t pass the first time and we can always try again. She cheered up later when I shot a video of her making her cats dance to Britney Spears.
The same day I was going hiking with one of my very best friends! Funny enough, I don’t think we’d ever hung out just the two of us before just a few days ago. I was nervous. I’m not the healthiest person. I used to be a lot healthier and I loved hiking. I could hike all day, especially if I got to rock climb. :) Sometime during my junior year of college I got some sort of mysterious illness. Doctors still don’t understand it or know what’s wrong but it made me gain 70 pounds in about three months with no diet or activity level change. I got arthritis in all my joints, had horrible trouble concentrating, was fatigue ALL the time, developed pleurisy, and a bunch of other stuff. It was a mess. I’ve been getting mysteriously better though. The arthritis is minor, I’m not tired anymore, my head is clearer, and without really changing my eating or activity level I’ve lost (as of this morning) 11 pounds!!! Still, I was nervous about hiking. My friend is in shape and she’s in her element in nature. I’m a slow hiker so I was afraid I’d slow her down to the point of utter boredom. I did much better than I thought I would though. Ten pounds really make a difference when it comes to hiking. :) I was also afraid I’d do something dangerous and irrational. We were alone and I’d never been in a situation with this friend when I lost all rationality and fell into a panic. I did get too close to some cliff edges and crossed some dangerous places. My friend sounded scared when I did these things and that confused me a little. I don’t know why but when friends show concern for my safety I get confused. It makes logical sense but when I’m irrational I just stop and wonder “Why do you care so much?” I’m also bad for getting a little freaked out and running off. We got to a point on the trail where the path branch left and right. My friend decided to walk a little ways down the left side to see what was down there. She turned her back and I bolted. It didn’t feel like I moved that fast but when I heard her yelling for me I was surprised at how far away I was. Then something interesting happened. My rationality returned and I walked back to her. I don’t know, the fear left just as suddenly as it had come. She didn’t seem to notice what had happened and I’d never felt safe again so quickly after getting scared. I decided not to say anything about. I didn’t want to freak her out. We continued down the trail and after a while found a little beach and dipped our feet in the river. Now, some background information. I’m very self conscious. I hadn’t really thought about it before yesterday, but since I was raped I’ve been super self conscious about showing any skin whatsoever, even my feet. I wear T-shirts every day and pants. I never wear shorts, even in the summer. I never show my legs. Something about it makes me feel vulnerable to being hurt again. I guess my logic was that if I cover up it will be harder for anyone to hurt me again. Wearing more clothes did have an impact when my abuser did attack me. Pants are harder to remove than shorts (forgive my bluntness). There was no way that I could take off my shoes and socks and roll up my jeans to walk into the water with someone I didn’t completely trust and feel safe with. There’s not a lot of people I feel totally safe with and as much as I wanted to step into the water on past hiking trips I couldn’t bring myself to reach that vulnerability with friends before. So it was a big moment for me. :) It felt really healing because I could step out and trust that I was completely safe.
On the way back a HUGE downpour caught us. That sounds like it would be a horrible thing but I LOVED IT!!! I love the rain and getting caught in thunderstorms. God feels so close when I’m standing in a storm. This may sound weird but when the wind is blowing ice cold rain into my face and the sky cracks open with thunder God’s love for me feels obvious. I can see it so clearly, even if I can’t see the physical trail in front of me lol. It feels like God is holding me tightly and telling me how much He loves me. He feels so close, like I could reach out and touch Him. When I’m caught in a storm I can’t keep the smile off my face :) Before we got to the car it started hailing. The hail wasn’t big and I, again, thought it was awesome. I didn’t think it hurt; it was just really cold lol. I don’t think my friend was as thrilled as I was lol. We completely soaked the two front seats of my car, which was awesome I mean how many times can you be completely soaked and jump into a completely dry car seat?
It was a day mixed with both amazingness and awful PTSD symptoms. On the way back to campus I freaked more than once because I thought I saw my brother’s vehicle. The are SO MANY vehicles that look JUST LIKE my brother’s. It’s unnerving. His car hadn’t been at my grandparents, which meant he was out and about. I was trying to both hide my fear from my friend and not hide it. I’m trying this new thing where I don’t hide so much from my friends, but old habits are hard to break and the belief that I’ll freak out my friends is still strong. The day ended with a dance party in a teeny tiny lobby and a creepy Dr. Who episode with empty children. Things never get boring lol.
This is Simply Life by Faith
-Jerelle
Yesterday was a crazy day. It started at 4:00AM. I woke up fighting my blanket. I was experiencing hallucinations (I referred to these as body memories in an earlier post). My hallucinations are usually not the visual kind. I hallucinate touch. I feel things that aren’t happening. This particular morning the hallucinations were so strong that they woke me up. It was much more vivid than normal and I had been sleeping. I was vulnerable and when I woke up I was scared to death. There were a few times when I woke up as a child and my brother was abusing me. Imagine how hard it is to fall asleep when you know he can strip you twice as fast if he starts while you’re asleep, then have you already pinned before you know where you are. This morning was much the same except he wasn’t there. I could feel him but he wasn’t actually there. It’s confusing when you feel a heavy weight on top of you but you can still sit up and walk around. It was HORRIBLE. Being sexually abused was bad enough when it was actually happening. Why do I have to keep reexperiencing it?! It’s like the abuse never ended and it’s just continuing to this day. It’s like he’s figured out how to send a phantom version of himself to keep abusing me.
Well, I never got back to sleep. After a while, when I couldn’t handle it alone anymore because it was driving me crazy, I texted a friend. Yeah, I texted a friend at 4-something in the morning, I’m a jerk. She helped me ground myself in the present and in reality. What I was feeling was NOT happening. I was safe in my bed and my abuser was nowhere near me. She told me I was going to be okay. Most of the time, all it takes is another person reassuring me that it’s not real and that I’m safe. Yeah the pain sucks but if I can stay in the present and not dissociate I do much better.
At 6:00AM I got out of bed. I was taking my sister to try for her license and we had to get to the courthouse to get in line. They only take the first ten people. There was only one other test taker waiting at the courthouse doors when we got there. The doors apparently don’t open until 7:00AM so the line starts outside. However, once we got inside we found out that there must have been an unlocked door somewhere or the 6 people in the hallway had stayed the night lol. At 8:00AM they started actually giving the tests (sounds drawn out doesn’t it lol). By about 8:30 it was all over. Unfortunately my sister didn’t pass. I told her that a lot of people don’t pass the first time and we can always try again. She cheered up later when I shot a video of her making her cats dance to Britney Spears.
The same day I was going hiking with one of my very best friends! Funny enough, I don’t think we’d ever hung out just the two of us before just a few days ago. I was nervous. I’m not the healthiest person. I used to be a lot healthier and I loved hiking. I could hike all day, especially if I got to rock climb. :) Sometime during my junior year of college I got some sort of mysterious illness. Doctors still don’t understand it or know what’s wrong but it made me gain 70 pounds in about three months with no diet or activity level change. I got arthritis in all my joints, had horrible trouble concentrating, was fatigue ALL the time, developed pleurisy, and a bunch of other stuff. It was a mess. I’ve been getting mysteriously better though. The arthritis is minor, I’m not tired anymore, my head is clearer, and without really changing my eating or activity level I’ve lost (as of this morning) 11 pounds!!! Still, I was nervous about hiking. My friend is in shape and she’s in her element in nature. I’m a slow hiker so I was afraid I’d slow her down to the point of utter boredom. I did much better than I thought I would though. Ten pounds really make a difference when it comes to hiking. :) I was also afraid I’d do something dangerous and irrational. We were alone and I’d never been in a situation with this friend when I lost all rationality and fell into a panic. I did get too close to some cliff edges and crossed some dangerous places. My friend sounded scared when I did these things and that confused me a little. I don’t know why but when friends show concern for my safety I get confused. It makes logical sense but when I’m irrational I just stop and wonder “Why do you care so much?” I’m also bad for getting a little freaked out and running off. We got to a point on the trail where the path branch left and right. My friend decided to walk a little ways down the left side to see what was down there. She turned her back and I bolted. It didn’t feel like I moved that fast but when I heard her yelling for me I was surprised at how far away I was. Then something interesting happened. My rationality returned and I walked back to her. I don’t know, the fear left just as suddenly as it had come. She didn’t seem to notice what had happened and I’d never felt safe again so quickly after getting scared. I decided not to say anything about. I didn’t want to freak her out. We continued down the trail and after a while found a little beach and dipped our feet in the river. Now, some background information. I’m very self conscious. I hadn’t really thought about it before yesterday, but since I was raped I’ve been super self conscious about showing any skin whatsoever, even my feet. I wear T-shirts every day and pants. I never wear shorts, even in the summer. I never show my legs. Something about it makes me feel vulnerable to being hurt again. I guess my logic was that if I cover up it will be harder for anyone to hurt me again. Wearing more clothes did have an impact when my abuser did attack me. Pants are harder to remove than shorts (forgive my bluntness). There was no way that I could take off my shoes and socks and roll up my jeans to walk into the water with someone I didn’t completely trust and feel safe with. There’s not a lot of people I feel totally safe with and as much as I wanted to step into the water on past hiking trips I couldn’t bring myself to reach that vulnerability with friends before. So it was a big moment for me. :) It felt really healing because I could step out and trust that I was completely safe.
On the way back a HUGE downpour caught us. That sounds like it would be a horrible thing but I LOVED IT!!! I love the rain and getting caught in thunderstorms. God feels so close when I’m standing in a storm. This may sound weird but when the wind is blowing ice cold rain into my face and the sky cracks open with thunder God’s love for me feels obvious. I can see it so clearly, even if I can’t see the physical trail in front of me lol. It feels like God is holding me tightly and telling me how much He loves me. He feels so close, like I could reach out and touch Him. When I’m caught in a storm I can’t keep the smile off my face :) Before we got to the car it started hailing. The hail wasn’t big and I, again, thought it was awesome. I didn’t think it hurt; it was just really cold lol. I don’t think my friend was as thrilled as I was lol. We completely soaked the two front seats of my car, which was awesome I mean how many times can you be completely soaked and jump into a completely dry car seat?
It was a day mixed with both amazingness and awful PTSD symptoms. On the way back to campus I freaked more than once because I thought I saw my brother’s vehicle. The are SO MANY vehicles that look JUST LIKE my brother’s. It’s unnerving. His car hadn’t been at my grandparents, which meant he was out and about. I was trying to both hide my fear from my friend and not hide it. I’m trying this new thing where I don’t hide so much from my friends, but old habits are hard to break and the belief that I’ll freak out my friends is still strong. The day ended with a dance party in a teeny tiny lobby and a creepy Dr. Who episode with empty children. Things never get boring lol.
This is Simply Life by Faith
-Jerelle
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