The Courage to Speak

5-13-11

Lately I’ve really thrown myself into prayer more than I have in a very long time. I know that God wants us to ask for the things we need, though he knows better than we do what we need. I’ve been telling God my desires to do something big for him. I feel like he has something amazing planned for me that involves my testimony. I’ve noticed how, in just the past few days, God has taken that request and desire of mine and shown me things I didn’t think I was capable of. I’ve talked about some of those instances already. Mostly, what I’ve noticed is that God has opened my mouth. I’m not afraid to tell people my testimony and share my relationship with God. Yesterday I visited my aunt next door. I used to visit her a lot and we’d talk about random things for hours. She’s a housewife and homebound because she doesn’t have a driver’s license. It doesn’t seem to bother her, I’d go crazy. I ended up telling her my testimony, how I’d been abused and raped and God’s been healing me. I talk about God, but I don’t “overdo it” if that makes sense. I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable and not understand me. I try to communicate things in a practical way that would relate to the person I’m talking to. I don’t know how successful I am with that though. God should be shared with people, but I disagree with shoving God down people’s throats. It’s their personal decision to accept him or reject him. I don’t think people should be pressured because the decision should come from their heart.

What’s really amazed me is how God has given me peace and calmed me when I tell my testimony. I used to get worked up something awful. I wanted to share my testimony but at the same time I was scared to death of rejection and not being believed. I was so ashamed about what happened to me. Now I’m able to let my guard down with more people and share what God has done in me. My aunt was surprised when I told her, but understanding. Our conversations together had never really reached this depth before so we both had to adjust to that. It opened up our conversation to the possibility of other deep subjects. Later the same day my sister had a friend over. While my sister did her friend’s nails we all talked about anything and everything. Her friend mentioned my abuser offhandedly. I don’t remember the context. I was alarmed that she knew him, but it’s not really a big neighborhood. I’d just thought he’d been away when she moved down. She has a boyfriend, so I wasn’t worried about a possible romantic relationship between her and my abuser, but all the same, I was concerned. I’m living proof that he doesn’t need a romantic relationship to attempt and/or complete a sexual assault. He abused me since I was about 9, off and on, until I was about to turn 18. I told my sister’s friend to never be alone with him. She asked me why, just out of curiosity. I surprised myself by being able to tell her frankly. I said “He’s a rapist.” I told her that it happened to me and that he’s had other victims that I didn’t find out about until I broke the silence and told. It’s amazing how when one person breaks the silence, others find it easier to break the silence as well. I hope no one else has to ever find out what he’s capable of by experience. As far as I know I’m his only rape victim and that offense was repeated. As far as I know he’s sexually abused other girls (who are safe from him now) but he’s never raped someone else. Of course, he denies all of this and will deny it until he’s blue in the face. But God has shown me that I don’t have to wait for him to face the truth. Though an honest apology and promise that it will never happen again from him would be tremendously healing for both of us, I can heal without his cooperation. Nothing is too hard for God. There isn’t a wound, physical, psychological, or spiritual, that he can’t heal. Of this, I am also living proof.

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