3-14-11
Can it be possible that the sun is rising on my dark night of the soul? The night has been so long that’s it’s hard to imagine life without it. I remember the nights when I cried myself to sleep, praying and asking God when it would be okay again. When was I going to not hurt anymore. When could I lie down in my bed and not think about his hands covering my mouth so I couldn’t scream. Lying in bed triggered a lot of painful and unsafe feelings in me because I was often abused in a bed. I hated myself, I hated by body, I hated how weak and vulnerable I felt. Everything is so different now. I speak with confidence, well, more confidence than I’ve had most of my life. I like myself. I take care of my body, eating what’s good for me and exercising. Before, I felt that I didn’t deserve what was good for me. Now I gladly take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If something feels too threatening to me or upsets me, bringing up memories of the abuse, I say no. I assert my boundaries and I don’t let anyone walk all over me anymore. If I don’t feel up to smiling and acting civil towards my brother at family get togethers I leave. I don’t put up with it anymore. I will not live with my head down anymore. I am not a door mat. I have more self respect now. I used to wear a mask so often that many in the family didn’t know it was fake. I operated according to a fake personality. I was an introvert, quiet, didn’t step on people’s toes, didn’t get in the way, didn’t ruffle feathers, and sacrificed myself for the convenience of others. In reality, I’m equally introverted and extraverted. I can be quiet and I can be loud. I care deeply about people but now I won’t enslave myself to them, I’ll help as much as I can, but I won’t be an enabler. I will not be an emotional punching bag anymore. I’ll ruffle feathers and step on toes if I have to and I believe I’m worth enough to get in the way sometimes. I stand up for myself because I’m worth fighting for. I will not apologize for being who I truly am. I’ve hid my true self far too long and hiding your true self is damaging. If my abuser can walk around with his head held high why can’t I? I can and I will. I didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t my fault. I refuse to continue carrying my brother’s shame. The shame belongs to him, not me. I drop it today and God forbid I pick it back up.
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Faith_inpresentdarkness
You shouldn't have to even think about him, let-alone be around him. There is nothing in your life that should even remind you of him. But I know that we can all take confort in knowing that God loved you through it all, but it burdens my heart to think that your test is so much harder to pass than that of most others. But in my heart I don't believe that you are worth any less than anyone else, and you shouldn't have to put yourself through the panic of knowing that someone could hurt you again. When they persecute you in one city get out and go to another. Be somewhere you feel safe, if your family knows and still lets him in the house they aren't worth your time, regardless of whether they love you or not, and regardless of whether you love them or not, its the fact that you deserve better.
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