Today God chose to act in my life using a child. God is always surprising me like that. One of my psychology professors invited my roommate and me to her house for dinner today. My roommate and I were bringing our 3DS for her three kids to see. They had yet to see it and were ecstatic when they finally got it in their hands. Earlier this month (or late last month) I gave my box set of A Series of Unfortunate Events to my professor so she could give it to her daughter (I'll call her K). K was reading the books and absolutely loved them. It was going to be a surprise. My professor chose to reveal that surprise while we were at her house. When K opened the box and saw the books her expression of delight was so genuine and free. I struggle with showing true emotions, so it was amazing to see her reaction. Then, she surprised me. She came over to me and hugged me. It wasn't one of those polite, brief thank you hugs. She grabbed a hold of me and held on tight. To understand the impact of this act, you need some background information. I've been terrified of small children since I started healing from my abuse. Children made me feel uncomfortable. They were so small and vulnerable. I was so afraid of somehow hurting them that I distanced myself from them. I was afraid to stand close to them, afraid to hug them, talk to them, or let them touch me in any way. It wasn't my feelings of safety that concerned me, I was scared out of my mind for their safety. I visibly shook when my roommate's little brother jumped into my lap unexpectedly at her house. I knew I would never and could never purposely hurt them. It was irrational. When K hugged me, God grabbed a hold of my heart and started to heal a deep part of me. I was really hesitant, then I hugged back gently, but when she didn't let go I hugged tighter. It's amazing how one simple act can affect the heart so much. I was confused and didn't quite understand what was going on in my heart. Later the same day we joined the family at the ball park in town. Her two sons were on little league teams. Before we left to go back to our dorm K hugged me again. This time she hugged me even longer and harder. She did this several times, and I hugged her back with less and less hesitation each time. I realized that somehow this little girl was healing part of my heart. I wanted so much to drop my guard and just hug her, but I still feared somehow hurting that beautiful little girl. I'm fighting tears writing this because it affected me so strongly. She started the healing process in that hurt part of my heart. God works in such mysterious and unexpected ways.
What K did today made me really start to examine why I started to fear children in the first place. My thoughts are that the self blame for the abuse still had a hold on me. I feared children because of some unconscious idea in my head that I was bad and if they were around me they would get hurt. When K hugged me I started to realize that I'm not bad. I'm not the one who hurt people. The abuse was not my fault. I would never and could never hurt a child like I was hurt. Seeing this now I can finally throw off the conviction that children aren't safe around me. That belongs to my abuser, not me. I didn't hurt an innocent, vulnerable person. I was the innocent, vulnerable person that was hurt. I don't know how to begin to describe how freeing it feels to know that I'm not dangerous, that children are safe with me. I actually actively protect them, watching out for threats that could harm them. I couldn't see this through the conviction that I was the dangerous one. I want to thank God for showing this to me and for healing that hurting part in my heart. I also want to thank K for being God's chosen vessel in his work of healing. God is so amazing. He is definitely doing something HUGE in my life right now. May all the praise go to Him. I play only a small part in this. I am willing and working to heal, but God is the one who does the healing. :)
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-Faith_inpresentdarkness
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