3-15-11
I haven’t been sleeping well. The past few nights I’ve just tossed and turned. I’ll be tired and I can’t find anything in my day that contributes to poor sleep. I don’t drink caffeinated pop anymore, don’t get much chocolate, I exercise in the morning. It’s quiet in the house and nothing in particular seems to wake me up. This has happened before. My sophomore year of college I had so much trouble with sleep that I was exhausted all the time and cried because I couldn’t sleep. Of course, during that time I had PTSD and the sleep problems made sense because of my general hypervigilance and sensitive alarm response. I don’t have PTSD anymore so I’ve racked my brains for a plausible explanation. That’s when I realized that I haven’t slept well since it dawned on me the other day that my abuser can walk into the house anytime during the day when I’m alone. He has a key to the house. My sister goes to school and then work and Dad has a 9 to 5 job, though he’s had to work late more often this past week. It really unsettles and bothers me that the only thing stopping my abuser from hurting me again is his decision to either hurt me or not hurt me. He knows I’m alone. I’m defenseless. Knowing this, it makes sense that I haven’t been sleeping well. In order to sleep we have to let our guard down and relax and that’s something I don’t naturally do when I’m a sitting duck for a known rapist, especially a man who has personally raped me in the past.
He was at the house today. Dad, my sister, and I had gone out to eat after Church and we dropped my sister off at her boyfriend’s house. We came back to the house because Dad had forgotten something. When we came into view of the house I recognized my brother’s vehicle in the driveway. I ignored him while Dad ran into the house to get what he’d forgotten. After we left, I told my Dad that I didn’t like the idea that my brother could come by and get into the house when I’m alone. Dad told me he’d worried about that and that my brother wasn’t supposed to still be in town. He was expected to be down for only two weeks while he found a job and moved to another state. He came down a month or more ago. Dad said that he could put another deadbolt on the door that my brother wouldn’t have the key to for me to use when I’m alone at the house. Relief washed over me. A year ago I had cut ties with my family, especially my dad, and left town. It wasn’t healthy for me to be around my family. I wasn’t supported or protected by them. Since I renewed my relationship with my family I’ve noticed things have changed a great deal. I guess, after I left, Dad really looked at his relationship with his kids and realized how important it was that he protect me. His lack of protection equated a lack of concern and love to me. Now he’s stepping up and choosing to protect me from possible harm. I can’t begin to express how much that means to me. In deciding to protect me he’s affirmed my worth and expressed his love for me. The simple decision to put another deadbolt on the door was like him saying to me “You are important to me. I love you and because I love you I want to protect you. I don’t want any bad thing to happen to you.” Once again, God has healed a part of me through another person. My sense of self worth was severely damaged when I wasn’t protected from my brother. Now, I’m healing because Dad affirmed my worth in choosing to protect me. God is so amazing and I trust him with all that is in me. I know that God is in control. No bad thing can happen to me that God won’t turn into an even bigger blessing. He is using what happened to me in the past for good now. Anything else bad that happens to me will only add to the good because what mankind means for evil, God means for good (Genesis 50:20). I will keep moving forward because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
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-Faith_inpresentdarkness
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